Forward Movement!

So the two day temp job has now turned into a 1-3 month temp job. Hooray! I'm in the accounting office of Keurig - that fancy little single cup coffee maker company. The people there are all really nice... and of course, all the coffee I want during the day is free. Plus, since Kelly has a Keurig at home, I can snag some K-cups to bring home as well. Hehe.

And on a related note... I've now had a phone interview and taken a computer skills test for a job at the Tufts-run USDA research center. And I'm scheduled to go in this coming Friday to interview in person - with four different people, all in separate interviews... and now I'm actually up for two different positions there. Both are administrative assistant type work... just in two different offices. Apparently they think I'd be good for either job, so I get to interview with the bosses for both of them. So hopefully that means I'll get hired there!

On the fitness front... well, I've had mixed success, but I did get my arse up twice to go to the gym before work - yes, *before* work! - and felt just awesome both days. Those were also the nights that I slept at Kevin's house. The nights I slept at home I couldn't get myself up early enough. I think it's because he knows I want to get up and go, and just him being there motivates me to get up and do it. Even though he doesn't get up... just knowing that he knows... it helps. Although, it's not like I hide that I didn't make it the other days... but I guess in the moment it's that little push I need. This week my goal is to make it all four days. That means getting up about 5am. Which seems crazy to do voluntarily... especially when I hated it so much as a teacher.

There's just something about having a schedule that feels really good. And actually working during the week... it makes the weekend all that much more relaxing and fun! Hehe. Not that I didn't know this before... but it's different when you're teaching. Work always comes home with you. Even though accounting is by no means exciting... I love that it stays at the office.

I can feel a positive momentum building. I'm trying not to get too excited, or get my hopes up too high. But it feels sooo good to sense that finally some things are working my way. And if I'm lucky, it will continue.

I Get To Go To Work Tomorrow!

OK, it sounds a lot more exciting than it really is... but still. I have to get up and go to work for the first time in over 14 months. It's something different to look forward to.

It's just a two day temp job, Friday and Monday. According to my agency guy I'll be "filing my face off". He said something about moving files from one place to another and organizing them... and then Monday reorganizing them and moving them back to the first place. Hrm... But hey, it'll pay me a little bit (all of $11/hr... ooh la la). And it's a step in the right direction, at least. And if I want, it can be something current to add to my resume. (Though I may wait until there's a second temp position before I do that... we'll see. Depends what I actually end up *doing* at this assignment.)

In other news on the job front, I had a phone interview on Tuesday. And feel pretty positive about it. I'll know sometime next week if I'm one of the finalists being called for an in-person interview. And he guaranteed I'll hear from him one way or another... which I certainly appreciate. Limbo is far worse than knowing I didn't get something. This interview was for an Assistant to the Director position at a nutrition research lab run by Tufts and funded by the USDA. Not a dream job necessarily... but it sounds like a pretty good job at least. I'd get experience in the education/research program management arena and would get to develop special projects for myself in helping to run the center, and the boss seems like a good guy to work for.

I've also been seeing more interesting openings posted in other areas... a few good ones at Harvard (including a center for educational research to improve teaching and learning)... and some textbook publishing openings again as well (including content writing and editorial assistant jobs for some social studies materials).

On other fronts... meh. Not so much progress to speak of. I still have not been to the gym. Especially bad since the month is about to end... and I haven't gone at all this month. Argh. I have not done any yoga or pilates DVDs at home either. While there have certainly been fresh vegetables in my diet, there's also been an awful lot of cheese. And pizza. Oh the pizza. And chinese food delivered. OK, that was only once recently... but still. I'm still eating WAY too much... eating out of boredom, eating out of habit, eating because it's there, buying more food because I'm not paying attention to what I already have, eating mindlessly... My brain has basically been shut off. All of this is NOT going to add up to me subtracting pounds. Not good. Hopefully getting my arse up for work in the morning will spur on a weekend involving some kind of physical activity and smaller portions.

For now, laundry, vaccuuming, litter box cleaning... and enjoying the gorgeously cool weather that has finally descended upon us.

Slipping Back In

I'm worried that I'm slipping back into that big, ugly BLAH fog. The one that keeps me at home, that slows my thoughts, that wastes time, that holds me lazily to the bed or couch... and generally stands in the way of LIFE. I am not a fan. When I have the mental capacity to really think about it, that is.

That's not to say I've been doing nothing, entirely. I did visit a couple of good grocery venues this week: the Arlington Farmers' Market and Wilson Farm in Lexington. I haven't been to Wilson's in, wow, almost a year. Pathetic, really. Sure, it's not quite as close as any old grocery store... but it's so vastly superior it's almost laughable to shop anywhere else for most items. I don't know what I was thinking. Or, rather, I wasn't thinking.

I hate falling into this mode. It's not living... it's just... Honestly, I don't know what it is. But it sucks. I haven't done any yoga. I haven't been to the gym at all this month - and it's the 22nd already! I've been eating some good veggies (from aforementioned farm sources), but "balancing" them with plenty of crap that pretends to be food. I have put only limited effort into the job hunt... although there weren't too many interesting new openings anyway. I haven't been cleaning the house. Hell, I haven't even fully unpacked or done laundry from my trip out to the Midwest. And even worse, I've been neglecting the litter box. Gross, I know.

On the positive side, I have at least been getting together with friends. In the last week I've seen Courtenay at her housewarming party, Kevin and I had dinner with Nate and his brother and girlfriend, went out with other friends to a bar, visited famers' market and appliance store with Kathryn, hung out a couple times with Mark... and of course there's been a fair amount of time with Kevin. For so long it was a habit to stay home alone... and while I'm still doing more of that than I'd like, it's becoming much more habit to get out and see people. One part of making my life better and easier that's been taking hold... thankfully.

In the slipping, though, I've still seen more TV in the last few days than I care to admit. Sure, there were a couple of premiers this week that I would make time to see in even the busiest of weeks (Project Runway and Making Over America w/ Trinny & Susannah, anyone!?). But there were also hours of CNN, HGTV, and blankly staring at overnight news because my brain wouldn't process anything but wouldn't sleep either.

OK, enough writing about it for now. I need to get off my ass and do something productive. I know, at 3am? I somehow managed to waste most of the day vegging or napping... so I'm wide awake. I'm hoping to just stay up until tomorrow night so I can fall asleep at some reasonable hour. And if I can manage to stay busy, it should work. So cleaning up, laundry, and making plans for daytime Saturday... I need to take the spurts of motivation as they come, to see if I can parlay them into something more sustained and healthy. God, I hope so.

Wish me luck!

Things That Need Work. As In, Actual Effort.

In the five days that have passed since I returned from the Midwest vacation:

I have gained a few pounds. I am officially 180 lbs now. Ugh.
I have not been to the gym.
I have not rolled out my yoga mat, or (even worse) thought about rolling it out.
I have slept excessively long hours almost every night/day.
I have not called any family members or friends. I have not even returned calls.
I have not applied for any new jobs.
I have not eaten a salad, despite the fact that my lettuces were ready for harvesting when I got home.
I neglected to water my plants for four days straight, not knowing how long it had been since Kelly watered them, and ignoring the fact that it was pushing 90 degrees.
I killed my lettuces.
I went to the mall and spent far too much money on things I don't need.
I have hidden inside my air conditioned bedroom for two days straight.
I have watched WAY too many hours of television.
I have played a ridiculous number of hours of stupid online games.
I have sat on the chair in front of my computer so long that my butt hurts.

Somehow, though, I feel positive. I'm not sure why, but it's good to feel good.
I have emailed my contact at the staffing agency.
I have emailed the lady who wanted to interview me in hopes that I can still go talk to her.
I have (finally) launched my own personal blog, dealing with things outside the scope of this blog, in hopes of developing my writing skills, ability to accept and understand myself, examine my direction, etc...

I suppose the small good list is truly reason enough to feel positive. But it doesn't erase the long list of things I should do, want to do, need to do, and haven't been doing.

Remedies in the works for my Tuesday:
I will get up before noon, regardless of what time I fall asleep tonight.
I will visit the mall to return some of the unnecessary items.
I will roll out my yoga mat, and practice.
I hope to also visit the gym for treadmill and weights. (But we'll see. Tomorrow is going to be the hottest day we've had all summer.)
I will sit in a comfortable chair and read a book. (Sidenote: I'm reading A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg, and it's fantastic! A collection of her memories and life influences - largely about food - and recipies, too!)
I will visit Trader Joe's to buy salad greens and other healthy, simple fare.

It's not everything, but it's a start!

Time to Come Back

Unplanned hiatus, I guess. Not that I haven't had the urge to write, or things to write about, for that matter. Somewhere between travel, actually putting serious energy into the job search, and just being I've been a neglectful blogger. That said, hello again world!

The Gathering of the Vibes festival = awesomely relaxing and fun. Massive rainstorms the first day created the requisite muddy field for festival-goers to dance in. There was a point on the second day, listening to JJ Grey & Mofro, when Kevin looked over at me and said I looked miserable. At first I was annoyed... and then I realized that I'd been standing there, barely moving aside from flinches every time mud or beverages were spashed on me, clenching my jaw, and looking around at all of "them" - the people around me enjoying the show. He was right... I was acting like I was miserable. And for what? His simple act of pointing out the expression on my face created an amazing inner shift. I wore clothes that could get dirty (and subsequently washed). The music - though I'd never before heard this band - was fantastic. No one around us was being rude or outrageous... they were just letting the music take them over, and having FUN. So it only made sense that I, too, should forget all my stupid little worries, let go of whatever unrelated thoughts trailed through my mind, and just ENJOY my surroundings. And I did. I must say, the rest of the weekend felt wonderful.

Coming home from that, I felt recharched, energized, and truly ready to find that good job for myself. I scoured site after site, discovered new sites, filed a grillion applications, and finally contacted two temp agencies (though only one got back to me). I suddenly feel more ready than ever to work again. I'm almost too antsy for my own good, but I'd rather feel that than the blah that keeps me lazing about my apartment. I even got one request for an interview! It would be soooo good, too. A 15 minute walk from my house, at the fantastic university of my dreams, in a program office that deals with politics and the press. The world would be hard pressed to put a more suitable job in my path. The downside? She emailed me the day before the midwest trip, and needed to schedule interviews while I was away. Ack! She did tell me to contact her when I got home, to see where things stand, and potentially still come in for an interview... though I'm waiting on her response now. I'm not a fan of the waiting. However, I am excited that finally someone wanted to interview me, was intrigued by my resume, and interested in potentially hiring me. It gives me hope that forward movement will happen soon - in some direction or another.

In the one area of my life that IS progressing nicely, the wonder continues. Kevin not only survived the intense four state, meet a million people tour of the midwest. I'd forgotten how, um, "particular" my dad can be when packing and driving on road trips. I was irritated almost instantly - in that way that we all regress a bit when faced with people from a past era of our lives. I love my parents... but adult Gwen should not plan trips that involve travelling with them. Kevin, however, was not nearly so bothered. Even faced with the craziness of my sister's living situation, the (literally) dozens of relatives - including many young children - he had to meet, and excessive amounts of driving... Kevin maintained a level of contentedness throughout the trip, and was my source of calm and happiness in the crazier moments. Not only did we never tire of each other, I was downright excited to share it all with him. To fill in those missing pieces of my story that can only be explained through direct experience.

Since we've been home, I have continued to feel antsy at home, and energized in the job hunt... despite having no progress to report. And Kevin has started to really talk about us moving in together next summer. It all feels very exciting, but I'm so ready for it all. Bring it on, world. Let's go.

Oh So Much Going On

And yet, only a little progress.

My calendar looks so lovley and full this month. How wonderfully real that would be if I had a job! Heh. The social aspect of all this activity - 4th of July party, HS reunion, Gathering of the Vibes music festival (starting tomorrow) - is feeling really great. And it's reinforced for me how much I love my friends, and need to be in regular contact with them. And SEE them in person. I was also reminded how lovely it is to just get away from my regular life for a couple days. A change of surroundings can give me so much energy. The bright side of all this is that I've still got a couple of upcoming trips to look forward to. And I've been stepping up efforts to get together with friends and do fun things - even useful fun things like buying paint with Courtenay for her new house.

On the other side of this "full" July calendar, I've not been as dedicated to my job search as I feel I should be. I've seen a good number more job postings than usual - but haven't stepped up the number of emails and apps I send out. I've made a list of very specific goals for each day of next week on the job front - and hope that since I was so clear with myself, I'll keep to it. The one that seems most important to me is contacting the agency my friend recommended, in hopes that they are filling some of the good positions I've seen posted.

Fitness front: not doing so well in getting to the gym. I've been a few times this month - and the month is coming to a close soon. I've rolled out my yoga mat a few times as well - including once at Krissie's on reunion weekend... quite proud of myself for making that happen. However I'd still like to see myself doing it more regularly.

Food is still mixed, though I maintain that summer is generally a healthier season for me because I so love the fresh produce. Last weekend I visited the Allston Farmers' Market and instead of dinner, I just chopped up veggies and ate them with some dip. YUM. Perhaps not the most balanced approach, but man was it delicious. Today I'm hitting up the store to make sure there are delicious and healthy foods available this weekend as we're camping in CT.

In a more internal place, I've been craving a major change... though I have yet to really define it. I know intellectually that a good job would fill that need. But I have a feeling it will be more expansive than that. I've also been - for no good reason at all - kind of stifling my expressive desires. I don't know where that's coming from... but on that front some change is coming. I can't stand holding it back.

For now though, practical (yet fun) needs prevail. I've got to get ready to leave in the morning to enjoy a weekend by Long Island Sound listening to music and hanging with good friends. :-)

Smack Upside My Head

The overwhelming truth is that I need structure. And sadly, I need it imposed on me by some outside force. I have got to step up the job-search efforts. Having a 9 to 5 would go miles in helping me organize my days. I've tried making schedules for myself, and never fail to let myself off the hook.

Right In Front Of My Eyes

On several fronts, I'm feeling reminded of the basics - and just how important those basics are. I've called them "the stuff of life" in posts before... good relationships with family and friends, good food, making it in my kitchen, growing plants for both food and beauty, enjoying peaceful moments, taking care of myself and those I love... all that stuff.

Last week, Mark told me he felt inspired by the list I have posted above my desk: Daily Goals. It was that list I made instead of any big New Year's resolutions, with five small things that I wish to become regular habits - and which will enhance my life. When he said that, I realized I hadn't looked at that list in ages... it's become part of the regular landscape of my wall. So today I sat and read it again. Really read it.

Daily Goals - 2009
1) See most of the daylight available each day.
2) Watch TV deliberately.
3) Get on the mat.
4) Include produce in every meal.
5) Talk to someone I care about deeply.

I made the list with hopes that each day I would strive for all five, and the belief that within a month or two I could achieve all five goals every day. Now past the halfway point of 2009, I'm not sure I've had a day yet where I met all five. Although, not really paying attention, I wouldn't know. It's sad to me that I'm still so full of talk and ideas, and so lacking in willpower and the ability to follow through, even when it comes to things so small and simple. Yet I also feel refreshed in the hope that I can strive for these little - though significant - goals. And I noticed that there are a couple items I am doing regularly, without thinking much about them. I'm glad Mark noticed my little list on the wall, because it made me notice it again.

Over the holiday weekend I got to experience something else that had been missing for awhile - sunshine! It was beautiful... warm but not too hot, breezy, sunny... actual summer. With all the rain, the summer days I thought of - and dreaded - were the unbearably hot and humid days... but I was reminded just how lovely and temperate New England summer can be. Kevin and I spent an extra day in Holyoke, lazily soaking up the peaceful feeling, doing not much of anything and loving it. Even the party on Saturday was a reminder of what real life is about - enjoying good company, soaking up beautiful weather, eating delicious food (yay for veggie burgers and my cranberry-pecan bread!), and having fun.

Yesterday, Kathryn and I were talking about the effect of unemployment on our psyches and our desires for our futures. It's funny how something so seemingly straightforward as losing a job can shift the entire landscape of a life - but it seems to be a common experience lately. Kathryn and a friend are planning a blog on the topic of reviving "domestic" life - cooking, gardening, sewing, knitting, caring for family, etc. I find it interesting just how many blogs, websites, articles, news stories and such are coming out latley, with people discovering just that. How did our culture get so wrapped up in some odd definition of "professional success" that we put our real lives on the back burner? Or, as Kathryn asked it, "Is there a reason why crunching numbers or answering phones have become more respectable careers than maintaining the health, happiness and general wellness of our friends and families?"

The part that awes me most about it is that Kathryn and I used to talk about how we could never be the stay-at-home-mom and housewife. Now, even without children - and for me without being a wife or having a house - we're both craving that life, and coming to understand the fulfillment that comes with dedicating time and energy to life. To real life. Not to earning money, not to achieving some artificial standard of excellence in some industry, not to being seen by others as successful... but to the things that are so basically enjoyable, so intrinsically meaningful and instinctually right that we often overlook them.

I have no illusion that I will be able to live well without working. But this year of unemployment has taught me that what I do to earn a living... that is not my life, it is done to pay for my real life. Maybe someday I'll find something that feels like an important part of me, and part of my life, a passion with real meaning that will earn me some money as well. In the meantime, I will keep taking in these reminders that my energy is best spent on the simplest things that make up real life, and try to make my shift in perception a shift in action.

Once Again, Setting Change in Motion

Thursday was filled with actual progress toward positive change. It's not that anything major really happened... but a few ideas and plans were created, supported, and started.

I suppose the most significant one is agreeing to change my meds. After a couple years now on Prozac - and still struggling - my psychiatrist recommends I come off it and try Wellbutrin instead. Even the pharmacist was enthusiastic about its positive effects for people he knows. Both my doctor and the pharmacist tell me it raises energy, allows people who (like me) oversleep and overeat to reign it in, and cuts cravings (whatever they may be), so that most people end up losing weight and feeling notably more motivated. Of course, I've got some reading to do before I start taking this drug... but if it will help me get over this impossible hill that stalls positive movement, I'm OK with trying it. And once I push over that hill and really develop the positive life-supporting habits that I'm trying to put in place, to ingrain them so much in my life that I can't not do them, then it should be much easier to come off meds altogether. So I'm intrigued by the possibility here.

I also set a goal that the next time I see my therapist, I'll be able to truthfully say that I've been to the gym TEN times since I last saw her. I went after that appointment yesterday. And even though I'll be out of town for both weekends before the next appt, if I visit the gym each weekday I will succeed. Part of it is really just that I want to do it. I want to be visiting the gym five or six days a week. My body and mind feel amazing, empowered, and calmer when I work out. There won't be anything bad about having to say I missed the mark... but I'd be pretty psyched if I can get myself to make it to this goal. And it would be another step toward making my gym time a true habit that I can't live without.

On the job front, again no actual progress, but at a party last night I was talking to a few friends and decided to finally go the temp agency route. I got their recommendations of which agencies and people are most helpful, and who's got the best jobs to offer. Since I'm coming so close to the end of unemployment benefits anyway, even some income will be better than none. And hopefully it would lead to full-time employment relatively soon.

The last piece that was talked about yesterday - and is talked about often - is the one I most struggle with. I need some kind of structure in my life. And clearly I'm terrible at creating it for myself and holding to it. My hope is that somewhere between the meds change and the temp agencies, I will find some kind of structuring element that works for me. This feels almost like the last piece of the puzzle that, once completed, will allow me to move forward into a new phase of my life. To leave this depressive, purposeless, dependent, always at home phase finally behind me. It may not be a big dream, but if it takes hold I'll feel able to build those big dreams again. And that, my friends, would be magnificent.

"So change."

Yes, I did get my ass to the gym yesterday. And it felt great.

On my way home I wanted to hit the grocery store, but realized I hadn't brought my wallet with me. I get home, shower, and all the while I'm debating whether to eat the food I have already or hit the store. The lazier - though arguably more reasonable - path won out. I made little tortilla pizzas with tomato and goat cheese. Yum. And then off to Kevin's for some lazing about and beer. Not really an ideal ending for a day that finally got moving... but getting to curl up with Kevin was totally worth it.

Today, for some reason, we were both awake by 6am. He has an awful opinion of morning, and basically refuses to participate in it. So while I turned on some news, made coffee and flipped through Skinny Bitch in the Kitch, he put his effort into falling back asleep. And since my car wasn't at his house and I'd have to rely on him to get home, and since I really had no putzy stuff to keep myself busy at his house, I ended up falling back asleep too. Later, got up and came home. Meant to go to the gym. Meant to do yoga. Meant to buy some veggies at Whole Foods. Meant to read. Meant to do several things. Instead, I fell asleep. It was kind of cold so I put a blanket over me while reading... and the next thing I knew it was somewhere near 7pm. How did I lose the whole day?! And to make it worse, I still couldn't get myself to go to the store. Or do anything else for that matter. Hell, I even ordered Thai food instead of making something from my freezer. And lounged on the couch watching tv.

And then the weight of it all hit me. Why do I do this to myself? I have all these ideas of what I want to do, what will be good for me, how I want to do things... and I get excited about them... and I might even try them a time or two... and then I fall away from everything. Again. It's a horrific pattern when I really sit and think about it. Why would I do things (like ordering Thai food and eating way too much of it while lazing around the house in pajamas) that don't feel good, aren't good for me, and I don't even really like? It makes no sense! And why would I avoid (or just, not do) things that I do like, that feel good in my body and spirit, that settle my mind, that make me smile?!

Just thinking about it all brought me to tears. So I called Kevin. I usually try not to involve him in my irrational inner dramas... but I just felt the need to talk to him. And his response was really just so simple. I was talking about this awful pattern that keeps overtaking me, and he just said, "So change." Part of me wanted to argue that it's not that simple, that I'm trying... but I just sat with it a minute. And I realized he's right. I should stop berating myself so much for a misstep - or a missed day - and just take on the next task in front of me. His words were so simple, yet so calming and empowering for me. He asked what I'm reading, and suggested I turn off the TV and go read that book. And get to sleep at a reasonable time. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get up early and try to do better.

And he apologized for not encouraging me to get up and get my day moving today. He's coming to understand more that I need to move my ass in the morning to have a chance of feeling good that day. So I'm off to bed now, and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, and tomorrow will be a new day. I will try to get myself to the gym in the morning, and see if I can't just make tomorrow a better day than today.

If I want my days - my life - to be different, no one else is going to make it happen. So I need to change it. And when I catch myself falling into old, ugly patterns... instead of sinking, being overtaken, maybe I can change it.

Off topic...

I know I shouldn't post when I'm mad and I also know that some of the following content is not related to the point of this blog but...rarrrrrhh! I need to vent about my day that started with such promise and has quickly gone downhill. In reality, I think it's more like the week that started with promise and went to shit by Tuesday noon.

Sunday afternoon I'm lounging by the pool because it was empty and it's free and I didn't have anything else to do. While lounging I was also thinking. And I realized that I was not going to have enough money to pay my last two bills of the month...well, the last two bills I would be paying on time this month. In all of the bartering with the parents, the cleaning for car repair, I did my own brand of fuzzy math that led me to believe I'd be okay. Wrong. Of course, there is little I can do on a Sunday except call my mom in tears. We agreed to reconvene on Monday, via phone of course, since they are 250 miles away at the lake. This meant I spent Sunday afternoon alternating between sobbing and sleeping about my fail of a life. We eventually found a "solution" but the fact we had to find a rescue at all is aggravating.

Monday itself was better but nothing positive happened. Instead, I had high hopes for today. I started by making a trip to a recommended consignment shop to sell some clothes. I figure I have between $150-$200 (sticker price) in never or gently worn clothes that I'd like to get rid of, for cash if possible. None of it is haute couture by any means...you know me...but there are some good brands. I didn't anticipate they'd want all the stuff but a few items that would net me maybe $50. Wrong. They wanted four items and were willing to pay me $13. For all of them. One of which is a summer dress I bought last year that I never wore that still has the $70 price tag on it. WTF!?!? Do they think I'm a re-tard (emphasis on the 'tard' obvi)? I told them to keep their money and I'd keep my stuff. Bastards.

Oh...almost forgot about the part where I paid to have my wheels aligned last week by the mechanic and they didn't do it right? Meanwhile, I'm driving down the freeway holding the steering wheel at a slightly right of center angle just to go straight. They can't fix until next Thursday which messes up my up-north schedule too.

Speaking of up-north, I was eagerly anticipating the Fourth of July holiday. Until I found out that my parents (my mother) plans to have my brother and I sleep on the couch. I realize Fran and Greg are guests but it pisses me off that every time they come (which is every summer holiday) they get the second bedroom. Usually, since Nick rarely visits, I'm the only one who suffers the no privacy, no bed and I can't go to sleep until everyone else does, until they leave the living room. This was a huge problem Memorial Day...I raged at my dad and Greg for being assholes. I don't know why F&G can't sleep on the pull out bed. For obvi reasons, Nick and I can't, so we just get separate ends of the couch (it's big) but I just think it sucks. Enough that if I could, I wouldn't go up, in protest. However, I'm picking up my cousin at the airport tonight and I'm supposed to deliver her on Thursday. So no getting out of the trip. This would be a FAB time for my mom to go into her "OH MY NICK IS HERE LET ME SPOIL HIM" mode and give him a bed to sleep in if only because it would mean I'd get a bed too.

Finally, I still don't have a job, and it doesn't seem to matter how many I apply for, no one ever freaking calls. Kind of convinced it's never going to change.

So. Long post short...I'm broke, I'm jobless, I'm angry and I'd really much prefer to hide out and do nothing to the cleaning and packing I'm supposed to do today. Perhaps I'll go have a good cry first. Fuck.

Getting It Out There

I've been avoiding the truth of numbers. Sure, there are greater truths... but some numbers hold significance far beyond their digits. So here are some numbers - to clarify to myself and the world - showing where my efforts (and significant lack of efforts) put me right now.

- I weigh 178 pounds. This is more than I have ever weighed.
- I recently had to buy new jeans because I couldn't squeeze my ass into the old ones. The new ones are sizes 12 and 14. I have never bought these sizes before.
- I've now been a member of the Y for a month. Number of times I've actually gone: 8 (I think).
- Number of days since I've gone to the gym at all: 10.
- Sure, I claim to do yoga at home (though we all know I'm more talk than action). Number of times I've rolled out my mat at home in the last two weeks: 2.
- Excessively long naps taken in the last week: 3. (This one is an improvement, actually.)
- Nights oversleeping (as in, more than 9 hours) in the past week: 3. (also an improvement)
- TV hours watched in the past week: too many to count
- Meals that are bad for me and feel gross afterwards this week: 5.
- Meals that included vegetables this week: 5.
- Consecutive days without leaving my house this week: 2 (so far).
- Awake hours spent in pajamas / yoga pants: again, too many to count.
- Meals I *made* this past week: 4. (improving)
- Baked goods I made this past week: 2.

I think that's enough numbers for now. I don't post this for any type of comparison with other people... I post it so I can see, honestly, where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. I've got all these desires and little willpower to back them up. I've got all these ideas and no motivation to get them going. I've got all this talk and so little to actually talk about. My hope is that by posting numbers publicly, I give myself something to look back at in the future... to see where progress has (or, god forbid, hasn't) been made.

The message the numbers give me today: Get off my ass! I'm changing my clothes and going to the gym. Right now.

I've Been A Bad Blogger

I've also been bad about exercise, keeping up with yoga, and about eating healthfully. Oh, and about applying for jobs. Hmmm....

It seems every time I make progress I begin to feel really good about it... and then suddenly a switch flips inside my brain and I completely stop. Or mostly stop. Or even backslide.

On Monday I ate a pizza. A whole, large pizza. Not all at once, mind you... but it was enough that around 1am I was tempted to make myself throw up just so I could feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never been so uncomfortably full before... but I just kept eating until it was gone. And the overeating has continued most of the week. Granted, I've tried to add some veggies and grains in there... and I certainly did not eat to quite that disgusting level again... but I'm thrown by how easily I do this to myself. It's as if my brain just shuts off, and I eat until I can't eat anymore. And I regret it. And the next day I do it again.

I have acquired some of Amy Weintraub's guided breathing and meditation cds. She wrote Yoga for Depression, and has some dvds and other stuff. I know from experiencing it like once (ok, not even fully once) that her method works for me. It feels good - and it does help me feel more able to manage my moods and take life as it comes. So why I've been avoiding sitting down and *doing* the exercises, I don't know. Same with yoga in general. And exercise. I know how good it feels - both immediately and later in the day. But to make myself get started... it just seems impossible lately.

I have, on the other hand, been somewhat active in the cooking and baking of delicous food. I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with the new edition of How to Cook Everything. And the results have been - for the most part - really good. I'm also still reading Food Matters... and I just got my hands on Skinny Bitch from the library. I'm absolutely fascinated by all the good sense guides and advice coming out about food lately... the local food movement... edible gardens at home... farmers' markets... fresh seasonal cooking... avoiding overprocessed, chemical-laced, bad-for-the-world-and-your-body foods from the massive food producing companies... It amazes me how aligned our bodies' true needs are with our environment... and yet it doesn't. That fact resonates deeply somewhere inside me - and I can almost feel the rumbling of a primal version of myself, *needing* to further explore and experience healthy food, the joy of making and eating it, the incredible pride in growing it myself. It's hard to describe the pull this has on me without sounding all esoteric and junk... but it's an incredible feeling.

Now if only I could find a good paying job that involves any of it. Heh. Or, at the very least, a job that affords me the ability to continue pursuing this amazing food joy without much limitation.

OK, specific goals for today:
1) Apply to at least two jobs.
2) Visit the Allston Farmers' Market (small, but awesome - especially since it's in my 'hood!)
3) Yoga. MUST DO YOGA.
4) Bake Strawberry Muffins (from the latest issue of Body+Soul magazine)

And since it's noon already, I best get going!

Finally...a post.

It's just not the happiest post ever.

Don't worry...tragedy has not befallen me. Rather, it's just been a busy and emotional couple weeks.

I was at the cabin from Friday the 12th until last Wednesday, the 17th. When I'm there it's a challenge to post simply because I have to type the whole thing on the Crackberry. Of course, while I was up north, the scroll button on my Berry stopped scrolling in the down direction so there wasn't a lot I could do until I got back home anyway.

Wednesday afternoon/evening and Thursday were a blur. I didn't do much of anything. I was low on money at the time and was waiting for my Friday unemployment deposit. I spent Friday afternoon with my friend Rachel--a great mood booster. Of course I spent too much money on lunch, drinks and dinner but it was well worth it.

Yesterday I went to St. Cloud to watch my cousin Stephanie's final summer volleyball tournament. It's a two-day tourney so I stayed overnight in my aunt Michelle's hotel room (the chaperone room). The girls didn't play the greatest ever but it's always fun to watch. And I love seeing my cousin and spending time with her and Michelle.

I got home around 2:30 today with every intention of taking a nap. Except...I was too worked up. I've reached the end of the proverbial rope when it comes to the job and money situation. Basically, I need both and the prospects look slim. Throw in some car work that I can't afford and I've reached "freak out" levels of stress.
Thankfully the car work isn't serious; brakes and rotors and standard stuff that I was hoping to avoid this year because I bought a new car but we all know that never happened. Still, I'm looking at least a $300 bill.

So, I did the only logical thing. Well, the second logical thing. First, I worked out. It's the first time in a while and I rocked the hizzy. I did a 20 minute run/walk in some nice, cooling drizzle. Then I did 20 minutes of kickboxing. THEN I did 40 minutes of ballet. I only meant to do 20 but I love doing it. It makes me feel graceful and lithe and like I could be a dancer despite my flat feet. In reality, it's great for my muscles (esp my calves and shins thanks to the plies) and it does help posture.

The second logical thing I did was call the 'rents. They've always said they'd help if I needed it and, clearly, I do. Although the prospect of asking for and borrowing money makes me unhappy, a girl's gotta do what she must, right? My parents, in their infinite wisdom, came up with an alternate solution to a loan. Labor! No joke. They've got a ton of cleaning and other projects they need done and are willing to trade for car repair. Not the greatest thing ever...hard labor isn't my fav...but it's the best choice I've got right now.

In other news, I've reached the sad conclusion that I'm going to have to get a filler job. You know, something totally lame that will pay the bills. I'm opposed to it because I don't want something crappy and irrelevant on my resume but, again, a girl's gotta do, right?

Don't get me wrong...I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this. In addition to not wanting crap on my resume, I don't want to dread going to work everyday, knowing it's merely because I need the money. I don't want to be THAT PERSON. I want a real job that I like and can be good at...a career, really, and it seems I can't. It's unfair and stupid and not right and unfair. So, in the process of reaching this solution I went to the "bad place"...the place where I think about my dismal situation and got sad/angry/disappointed/stressed and all those other fun feelings. Throw in the car stuff and I am...was...a wreck.

Anyway, the workout, the parents...a hot bath and a yummy wine cooler...I feel better. And I have a pork chop in the oven. I know, dinner at 10? So what. It's been that kind of day.

k.

Wasting A Few Days... What's New? Getting Past That.

So the last few days have been kind of useless. I've had brief moments of potential... quickly buried by, well, the blah. Too much sleeping, lots of couch-lump tv watching, and eating too many foods that do not give me energy.

I need today to be different. And thanks to my excessive napping yesterday evening, it has already started on a good note. (Way to connect a negative into a positive, right? Hehe.) I lay in my bed this morning, awake and looking out the window, watching the daylight come into being and break up the clouds. It was beautiful. I love the visual quality of morning light. I love the sounds of the birds waking up and welcoming the day. I love the smell of morning - enhanced today by some neighbor's coffee-making at 5:45am. Just the whiff of it made me ready to get up and move.

I got up and made my own coffee and a delicious breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, tomatoes, chives and cheese. I would've loved some toast with it, but my bread was way past its prime, so oh well. I watched the early morning news, and stood on my porch with my coffee... leisure at its best. I was just overtaken by the feeling that today will be a really good day, full of possibility, action, and joy.

My plans for the day include a little laundry (need gym clothes so I don't have any excuses not to visit the gym in the coming week!), the cleaning and organizing of my bedroom I've been thinking/talking about for weeks, some kitty-related cleaning, reading on my porch later (if the rain holds off), and hitting up the noon yoga class. Yes, the Kripalu one that I missed last week. Yay!

Feeling good so far! And hoping you've got some joy this Saturday as well!

Oh, Wednesday, Please Don't Kick My Ass

Perhaps I sent so much energy your way, Krissie, that you're overflowing and I'm all out. Hehe. Glad you're having a productive and active day!

I, on the other hand, did not wake up until 1:30pm. How that's possible I really don't know. Now I'm awake, teeth brushed and contacts in. And really not feeling like doing anything with this day. Headache, sore muscles, blah feeling, and the grayness outside does not help.

In my rational mind, I know the headache is because I overslept and haven't had coffee yet. (It's brewing right now.) I need to eat some breakfast and take some vitamins to get some energy in my body. And I know the soreness is that good kind from pushing myself a little on the treadmill yesterday, and spending some time on the rowing machine (and making sure I maintained good form while on it!). I know all this. But still, I am tempted to waste this day.

[Um, Side Note: I just went to put some pb&j on my banana waffles (mmm... love that for breakfast) and realized that my coffee maker wasn't making any noise. Apparently I turned it on without putting the water in the back of the coffeemaker - I'd left it in the pot. Wow.]

I'm really hoping, though, that I can keep my good energy from this past week or so going. I've been good about going to the gym. So I don't think there's anything wrong with taking today off. And I will probably still do a yoga dvd. Maybe even a pilates one if I feel up to it later. I also want to really focus on the job hunt this week, try to find some new ideas and make some new connections. This is the week Kevin is at Bonnaroo, so I'm down one distraction and think that for this one week it will be a good thing - if I can keep the energy and determination up. I've also got some cleaning/organizing planned for my bedroom, and maybe even a new bookshelf if I get done with cleaning some stuff out.

Yes... with some breakfast eaten and coffee brewed (finally), and writing this blog, I can feel my energy rising and dedication to positive movement growing. I will allow myself to take it easy workout-wise today, but not do nothing. I will not turn on the tv and become a couch lump. I WILL NOT!

OK, coffee and making a plan of attack for today. Well, what's left of it anyway. Heh.

Late to bed and early to rise, apparently.

Shocker of the day! I've been up since 5:00 AM!

I didn't get to sleep until after 1am and I had a fairly active day. Well, more active than the previous days during which I slept many many hours. But apparently four hours was all I needed last night, even after meat fest at Fogo. Which was delicious, btw.

Anyway, despite my efforts to go back to sleep, my brain was having none of it. Truth is, I've been a little stressed the last couple days. Worried about money. I've done the "paycheck math" over and over again but new money never seems to appear. I did another calculation after checking my bank balance today. I discovered I should be fine for the month barring any emergencies, I thought I'd be able to rest. False! So I did some yoga (15 minutes of sun salutations) and had breakfast. Paid bills, made coffee, talked to my dad, cleaned up my desk a bit.

Yesterday, I completed my proposed to-do items even before going out to dinner. All my dishes were clean, I had worked out and I applied for not one but two jobs!

Today I will be at my parent's house cleaning (aka making money) and doing my laundry. Since I'm up so early, I anticipate being done early there, too.

My newest home project? Feng Shui. My brother loaned me a book he got and I'm learning about what areas of my home represent what areas of my life and what I need to do in each one. It seems as though I've unintentionally made some good feng shui choices in my apartment but I have to make a few changes and enhancements. For example, because of the layout, sections of my "career" and "skills and knowledge" areas are set inside Pepper Guy Neighbor's place. So I have to get a 'cure' to bring that space back in to my control. Also, my office/desk area is in my "prosperity" area and I need to work on organizing it and getting rid of the things that are bad influences (bills sitting out, old financial statements in the filing cabinet). I'll let you know how it goes! PS, the book is called Move your Stuff, Change Your Life and it's very user friendly.

I'd also like to find more jobs to apply for this week. My parents have been very helpful with ideas and forwarding job postings. I'm excited about the two I responded to yesterday; I have high hopes once again.

The annoying part of all this forward progress? I feel like my brain is running out of control. It's just going, going, going and as a result I feel like I need to go, go, go. Does that make sense? It's a little like having too much caffeine except I've had hardly any. Thus, it appears my only solution is to simply DO so many things as to get the ideas and the energy out. It's crazy!

Anyway, off to collect dirty laundry and get dressed. Have great Wednesdays!
k.

Sometimes I hate being a girl...

Happy Tuesday! It is Tuesday, right? I'm getting my days mixed up. Yesterday? I wasn't so sure it was Monday. But it was.

The rest of my weekend was...mildly productive. I finished my dishes and vacuuming by yesterday. I even brought out the trash. My apartment isn't as clean as I'd like...I already have more dirty dishes and the dishwasher needs to be emptied. And my bathroom could use a deep scrub. You know me...I like to have things clean and organized. Not OCD-clean or germaphobe clean but certainly neat and put away. Sadly, though I have the time to do this now, it gets messy pretty quickly since I'm home all the time. If I had a job, I wouldn't have the time to clean as much but at least I wouldn't be here to make a mess. Catch 22.

As for jobs...I applied for one on Friday and another on Saturday. I'm making now prognostications on whether or not I'll hear back or if I'm even qualified. They sounded interesting and I think I'm capable. That's as far as I'm going. My parent's have started sending me job postings too. At first it was annoying but considering how much I loathe looking right now, it's actually kind of nice. Fresh eyes, new sources...my mom is quick to preface them with "this might not be good but..." so at least she recognizes that her viewpoint might differ from mine.

On a pathetic note, I didn't go anywhere all weekend. I did go downstairs to the soda machine but that's it. So when I finally went grocery shopping yesterday it was very disconcerting to be around other people. I had to fight the urge to go home and hide in my apartment. I made myself go for a drive just to stay out longer. It wasn't a fear of being in public kind of feeling, not agoraphobic but it was really stressful. I think it just means I have to make myself go out simply for the sake of my mental health.

I finally worked out today. Walking for five hour last Wednesday and again on Thursday wore me out. And while I meant to do it sooner (as in Saturday or Sunday), I knew I had to get some fitness in today. I'm still down a few pounds from where I started late last month but I want to keep it off and keep making progress. Plus we are going to Fogo de Chao (all you can eat meat!!) for my brother's birthday tonight; I need to make some caloric room. ;) I did 10 minutes of a kickboxing dvd and 10 minutes of kettlebells with some dance cardio thrown in. I got down to Madonna's Vouge. No joke.

All was fine until the workout gave me cramps! I swear I just had my period. Like two weeks ago. I know these cramps are not a sign of immediate impending visit...it tends to happen to me about a week out...phantom cramps if you will. So in theory, next week could be fairly on time. I don't keep track. I've never missed and I've never been a few days late from my estimations so I'm sure I'm fine (except for my occasional paranoid fears of endometriosis and infertility, to which my doctor says "don't worry"). I used to take the pill for cramps but, inevitably, I will forget to do the mail-in refill and I'll run out. Whatever. It's not like I need it for protection purposes.

My goals for today are as follows:

1. Clean the kitchen!


2. Apply for one job!


3. Workout!

Looking Up

Feeling pretty good lately. Over the weekend, I made sure to do some Namaste Yoga flow sequences each day. Aaahhh. Saturday night was an enjoyable evening at a local bar with friends of Kevin's... and finding out I have some things in common with another girl in the group. Which probably means we'll hang out some and exchange some recipies. (Her husband adores her zucchini bread recipe. YUM!) Yesterday was mostly lazy... spent some time reading on the porch, did some yoga and mostly hung out with Kevin. I did order us a pizza last night for dinner - and ate half of the large thing - but at least I got broccoli, grilled chicken, and mushrooms on it. It could easily have been more unhealthy. This way, unhealthy but with some good aspects added. :-)

Today's been lovely too. Got up - and felt awake right away - and made some coffee. Went to the gym for some treadmill time and some weight machines. I had wanted to attend Gentle Yoga again, but had to miss it for a doc's appt. Oh, and I had a delicious sandwich - hummus, avocado, cucumber, tomato, sprouts, on nutty seedy multigrain bread - from my favorite Brighton coffee shop. Ate at a picnic table outside the doc's office. Mmmmm! Blogging now, some porch reading and observing my garden, then probably some Namaste Yoga, and then back over to Kevin's since he's leaving for Bonnaroo tomorrow and will be gone for a week.

Too bad the rains are coming for the rest of the week. But I'm planning to visit a yoga class every day, as well as more cardio and weights at the gym. I'm hoping to put a lot of energy into job searching this week. And since a few books are being held for me at the library, I'll also be reading quite a bit I suppose. I think this will be a good week.

Hope to hear it's just as positive for you!

Ups and Downs...

Greetings!

I promise I haven’t forgotten about the blog. It’s been a…weird few weeks. Good for others; mediocre for me. As a result, I just haven’t been in a blogging mood, particularly the last few days.

However, I’m working on my mental block and am hoping today is a turning point. I have a short list of things I want to accomplish. As you can see, a blog update is on it!

-Finish the vacuuming I started on Wednesday
-Finish the dishes I started this morning
-Apply for two jobs.
-Blog!

It’s a cold and rainy day today—perfect for wrapping up inside projects. No outdoor distractions, like the pool. :)

I look forward to sharing with you later today!
k.

One Up, One Down

Yesterday was fantastic. Went to the gym and spent 30 minutes on the treadmill. Mostly fast walking, of course, because my body won't tolerate running for long stretches of time... but there were a few times I ramped it up a bit. Then I went downstairs to the Gentle Yoga class. Oh, my, word. I was amazing. Just a lot of slow stretching and breathing, but it was exactly what my body needed. I felt so calm, energized and restored after it.

Then I came home, had a delicious salad for lunch and potted some more plants. Repotting a couple indoor ones, putting a couple new herbs outside (garlic chives, and dill) and put some seeds in - mostly just to see if anything happens. But my porch has been having good luck so far.

Today, my plan was to get up, visit the cardio machines again, and then go to the Kripalu Yoga class. I've been sooo eagerly awaiting this one. But I overslept. Argh. I didn't wake up until the class had already started. Grrr... Kind of mad at myself, because I was plenty tired enough to go to bed last night at a reasonable time, but I stayed up playing stupid games on the computer. Dumb move.

I know that to build on these blocks that I've started, I've got to keep my sleep habits in check. Need to get more consistent, and hold myself to more reasonable times. Thankfully it'll help that Kevin is going to be out of town for a week at a music festival. I can try out a schedule that's got nothing to do with him, and see how it feels for me.

Anyway, for now I think I need coffee and some reading time on my porch. And then perhaps some yoga with a Namaste DVD. From there... who knows?! It's a gorgeous weekend here, so the possibilities are many.

Hoping you find the chance for joy and a deep breath to enjoy it today! Sending you my love.

Happy Friday!

At my second "Get Started" session at the Y yesterday I was introduced to some of the weight machines. Fun stuff. Thankfully, my appt got cut off a little early because Mike had to go give a talk for some funding thing. I then went to the elliptical machine... and very quickly felt like a loser because I was huffing and puffing after only a few minutes. I made myself last ten... but then I went home. I realize that it'll take a little time doing it consistently for me not to get winded and sweaty so fast... I know it's normal to get tired faster when you're just getting started. But still... I felt silly. Oh well.

Today I'm going in earlier than the last few days. I want to get in some cardio before yoga class. My goal today is 20 minutes, but keeping the intensity down pretty low so I can last that long. Then I'll go down to the Gentle Yoga class. I know it'll be full of elderly ladies, but oh am I looking forward to it. My back and neck could use some good gentle stretching.

I didn't think I'd be quite so wiped from spending a little time at the gym. Although, to be fair, it is "girl time" this week as well. So I know that's got something to do with it. And I ran out of my iron supplement and didn't get more until last night. So taking all those things together, I suppose it's not so strange.

Krissie - how's the plan with your brother going? Hope all is well! Off to the gym for me.

Feeling the Effects of Yesterday

Wow. Yesterday wiped me out, and today I am sore. I also slept quite a bit longer than I thought I would. Eleven hours. I'm feeling a little silly about that. Then again, it's the busiest day I've had in awhile. It makes me think I need to have busy days more often so that getting a job won't be a total shock to my system. Heh.

So the gym yesterday was good. I liked the yoga class, but it wasn't anything amazing. I did like the extended savasana though, which dvds never do. Judging by the soreness in my neck and shoulders, I think I held my shoulderstand and plough pose a bit too long. Or maybe I wasn't doing it quite right. Hmmm... need to remember that in the future. It's very different than a home practice. That surprised me a little - just how much my mental/spiritual attention was not engaged in class. It's OK. Just means that my home practice will need to be something I continue to do daily. (Or, more accurately, something I begin to do daily. I'm a bit inconsistent with it.)

I've got two more yoga classes in my plans this week to try. One called Gentle Yoga. Should be soothing - but probably will be with a lot of really old ladies again, like the one yesterday. The other one is Saturday, and it's a Kripalu Yoga class. That one I'm pretty excited for. It's a more spirit centered type of yoga, and it's also the style of that yoga retreat center in western MA that I've been dying to visit for years. Fingers are crossed that the classes are good!

Learning the cardio machines was cool. I never thought I'd like rowing, but that was actually my favorite machine. Today I'm going back and learning the weight machines. I didn't really try to get any workout from it yesterday - and now I feel like I should have. I was there mostly with the mindset to learn about stuff. Today I think I'll push myself, and let Mike (the trainer/coach) push me too.

One other cool thing - they've got this FitLinxx system. It's a computer system to track your workouts. Some of it you've got to enter yourself, but some of it the machines are hooked up to track for you - and to tell you how many reps and what weight are on your program today. So it guides what you're doing. Plus, I can access it from home, and add in whatever workouts I've done on my own. I think it'll be nice to have such a clear record of how I'm doing, to see where I've made progress and where I'm slacking.

Really, I can't believe it took me so long to join a gym. What was I thinking? I'm definitely going to like the Y. The staff is unbelievably friendly and helpful. And walking in there just makes me feel ready to work out. I'm excited to add this to my list of things to occupy my time, add to my happiness, and move my life in the direction I've been wishing for. Woohoo!

For now, plants and emails to potential employers are demanding my attention.

Sending you love and energy! HUGS!

"Busy" Day Today!

In comparison to most days lately, having three places to be at specific times and one other errand to run in between feels very active.

Yesterday I went to the YMCA and got my membership all set up. Yay!

Today I have therapy at 11, and then off to my first ever yoga class at noon. I know, first ever? But yes. I've been doing it on my own with books, magazines and dvds for the past few years. Time to have an actual instructor. Not giving up my solo practice though... just adding to it.

Then I'll hit Mahoney's (garden center) to finally get the pots and last couple of plants for my porch garden.

At 3:45, back to the Y for my first "Get Started" session. Basically one-on-one coaching to help me learn what everything is and how to use it, set myself some goals, and develop a plan to achieve them - and make sure I know about all the resources the Y has to help me get there. Should be kind of cool.

Anyway, off to shave my legs so I can wear my shorter workout pants today. Hehe.

Oh - and morning feels SOOOO much easier when I've got stuff to get up and go do. I need to plan more things to do in the morning so I can get out of bed that easily (and happily!) every day.

Hope you ladies are doing well! Let me know how it's going!

Warning: Long Rambling Ahead

So my so-called rededication didn't really take. Blah. Whatever.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And trying to really identify what I want in my life. What things are for the future, what steps I can take toward them... but also what things I could integrate into my life now with relative ease. And by that, I mean slowly, and with lots of effort... but they'd *fit* in my life now and make it significantly better.

See, all along I've had this idea of what my life would be like and what to pursue. And that involved a career in teaching, and *maybe* kids, and definitely a husband... the rest was kind of up in the air. My whole "plan" revolved around my job. As did my sense of who I am and what I'm about. Even when that life began to fall apart - heck, even when it all went to hell - I kept going on that same planned trajectory. Even when I realized it's not what I really want for my life, I kept moving on the same path.

I realized recently that while I was teaching - and simultaneously going through the "Jay Years", as I like to call them now -I was burning out, exhausted and spent... and I kept wishing, even asking, for a break. A break from this life, to just BE, and think, and get myself together. Turns out, I've gotten that break. I don't know why it took me almost a year to notice... but it's been quite a break!

And the break has (finally) made all the difference in how I think and feel about my life, how I'm approaching things. I guess the most concrete example is this: I dropped my summer course and am quitting my Master's program. I was hesitant to quit for so long... continuing on the same path, trying to finish what I'd started. But I started this degree because I *had* to, in order to get the next teaching licence and keep my job. Knowing that teaching isn't right for me, I was still working toward that M.Ed. For what? No reason, really. It serves no purpose for me now. And feeling that way about it just made it that much harder to put energy into the classes.

It's funny... I spent so much time convincing myself that because I enjoy the subject matter of my history courses, it totally made sense to keep going. But when I get to the education courses... what then? And odds are, I'd need a classroom to be able to do some of my assignments in those ed. courses.

I haven't told anyone yet that I quit the course. But if I'm leaving the program, really, why bother? So many people - people who genuinely love me and want the best for me - have seemed relieved in a way that I was continuing the program. When I mentioned to Kevin that I was thinking about dropping, he asked what I'd do with my days without the course, and the whole program in general. It feels like he's going to be disappointed when I tell him I did it.

Inside me, though, there is a perceptible shift. I really feel like this extended break from that life has given me the opportunity to let go of my past attachments, the ones that were holding me back on a path I no longer want. And it feels like this break had to be so long in order for me to keep going, letting go of one thing after another, but no so fast that it felt overwhelming or crazy.

Letting go of that master's program feels big. And I realize that it's something I may later regret. But I'm not giving up on learning altogether... or even getting another degree for that matter. I just have this growing sense that what I'm learning about needs to be something I am interested in, and something that feels useful for my life... something that helps me move toward the life I want. I will probably look into learning a new language, taking some writing workshops, and maybe even some gardening or nutrition courses. Heck, even as far as traditional forms of Chinese and Indian medicine, and getting certified to teach yoga. Those last ones are certainly not in the immediate future, but for where I am right now, they feel like a positive direction in which to aim my efforts.

I let go of my attachment to Shea. He's not the right partner for me - and I've known that all along - but he's also the complete opposide of Jay, and that held so much appeal. But it was always a struggle... always trying to convince him to consider the life I want... and him always resisting. With Kevin, I can have the kind of life and love and committment I want - at its present level, and growing in the future - and there's no persuasion involved. He wants that life with me, too.

I was forced to let go of my job as a teacher. Hell, I was forced to let go of that twice. And I finally got the message that it's not where I belong. It took awhile, but I'm finally really settling into understanding WHY. I used to believe that my career defining me as a person was OK, that it taking over my whole life and energy and time was acceptable. I've realized I can't live like that. I was burning out and desperately in need of balance. While I have yet to find a new career path in any defined way, I feel very good about finding a job that allows me balance in my life. And that job won't define me. It will pay my bills and allow me to live as I please. Sure, I hope for it to be interesting... but I know what I most need.

I am finally letting go of my irrational resistance (fear?) of joining a gym. I haven't worked out in front of other people since tenth grade gym class. And I hate looking inadequate, clumsy, and not knowing what I'm doing. And even though I knew better, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea that other people could watch me work out, and potentially judge me. Really, a lot of it comes down to the simple fact that when I'm uncomfortable or unfamiliar, I retreat into my home and into myself. There are far too many days when I don't leave the house because I feel poorly about parts of my life. So today I called the YMCA, and tomorrow I'm going down there to officially become a member. This feels like a big step for me - but funny enough, it's actually in several directions... and all of them positive. Sure, there's the gym part of it. I need more routine for a workout. There's also the yoga classes, which I should've been taking a long time ago. The Y is a great community. I remember seeing people come and go when I lived near it, and the conversations made it clear that they only knew each other there, but were supportive and good friends. Plus there is a teen center and plenty of volunteer opportunities, where I can keep the most loved parts of teaching in my life... connecting with kids, tutoring, mentoring... just that spirit that kids have.

In a broader sense, I find myself letting go of ideas that I need to meet some standard of "success" and that I need to be driven and do something grand with myself. There's this strong pull in me toward the simple. Toward "the stuff of life" as I've been calling it. Real life... not constructed values. Sure, academic achievements are good, lucrative careers have some big positives to them, being "driven" can be admirable... but I'm finding myself craving deeper things. Things which are so simple and right in front of us all the time, that it's easy to overlook them. I've been doing a lot of journaling on values and goals, trying to develop some concrete ideas that I can use to choose positive actions... and I keep coming back to things like loving relationships with family and friends and community, feeling at peace with the world around me - socially with people, and physically with the environment, having a healthy and strong mind and body, and a home that is simultaneously peaceful and exciting, that welcomes all the people I care about.

There have been hints of this in my mind all along, of course. Even as a teacher, I sometimes found myself wondering why it mattered if my students could do well in my course - what it *really* had to do with them living a good life. Beyond all the academic justifications, beyond all the rhetoric about developing skills for a successful career... what about LIFE? Where were we teaching them how to really hear another person, how to be loving and kind - including to themselves, how to nourish their bodies with food and exercise (rather than filling it to stave off hunger and striving for an ideal body)...? Where were we teaching them how to slow down and feel, how to handle their feelings, how to be curious and really explore their world with an open mind, how to express their inner selves... hell, how to even feel and hear their inner selves? Where were we teaching them how to handle conflict - especially with loved ones? How to maintain a house, and make it truly a home? How to relax and really take in the joy of a sunny summer afternoon with friends? What it all comes down to, is that while we were pushing all these tests and state-mandated curriculum and skill development... when were my students learning how to be HUMAN?

If I am ever in a "teaching" capacity again, THAT is the direction in which I will work.

I apologize for this rambling going on sooo long. I've just had a lot of mental and emotional movement... and realizing how far I've come this year, and how to put together a new direction and a new plan for myself. One that I can feel good about. And I just needed to share all of that, that I've been sorting through.

Finally, FINALLY, I understand why I have been on this long break from life as I'd planned it. And even though it's taken me a very long time to sort it out, I feel positive momentum buliding to take me into a new phase of my life. And I'm looking forward to it.

Jump off!

Well, with 4 full days under my belt, I think I can confidently say that having my plan and all my reasons for doing this REALLY help. It's still not easy but when I need a little push, I recall Tony Robbins' words in my head or I txt or email Nick. He's been fab so far. A little preachy but nothing I can't handle.

And the best part? I'm seeing results! 4 pounds down in the first 4 days! I know it sounds like too much but I swear I am eating and I'm certain it will taper off. Nick suggested these body cleanse pills (I know, sounds sketchy, but they really are just fiber and vegetable stuff) and although he swears they will make me, um, GO more as part of the "cleansing process" I haven't seen a change. I've been eating LOTS more fruits and veggies and have def noticed that I'm not fake-hungry as often. I'm full up and don't have the desire to snack. I think that has made the biggest difference. I've also been sticking to my 20 minutes a day of some kind of physical activity. In a few weeks I'll add more time but I need to get in the habit, learn to love it and how much better I feel when I do it everyday.

I haven't gotten hardcore into the L.A. Weight Loss food plan stuff Nick gave me quite yet. I feel like since I jumped in this on Saturday with both feet, it's smart to take baby steps. I wanted to get the right foods in my house and make good steps towards major changes in my diet. Gradually cut back on things I need to lessen rather than go cold turkey. So far so good. Except I did have a few too many potato chips last night. I wasn't at home but I realized quickly why I've chosen not to keep them at my home in the first place...I can't eat just one! And yet, one set back does not a failure make. I'm not going to be perfect.

Right now I'm getting ready to head to the lake for the long weekend. Fran and Greg are coming up too. I'm a little nervous at the temptations I'll face over the next few days but if I stay busy enough, I won't think about the food. I'm bringing what's left of my farmer's market pull with me so I won't have any excuses about not eating fruits and veggies!

Gwen...did you make a plan? How did it go? Were you able to find a few small and easy steps to do, right away, that got you going?

Have great Memorial Day weekends all!

I, Too, Need A Plan

Krissie - HUG! I'm so glad you've been able to find a good headspace and make concrete steps toward feeling better! How's the jump-off been in the first couple days? I think you're right... specific actions need to be outlined, help and support needs to be enlisted, and some small but noticeable step needs to be taken... just to get things moving. I'm not there... but reading your post made me want to sit down and make a plan. And get specific with myself. And get my own inner crap out of my way.

Little pieces here and there feel like they've got some positive push building up behind them, just waiting for me to take a first step and move on it. Of course, so far, instead of action I just seem to stall out. So I'm formulating ideas, and tomorrow morning (because step one is getting my ass up in the morning) I will write down some specific goals and steps toward them. And then DO a first step toward each of them.

Much better head space...

Greetings bloggers!

While I agree with Gwen's suggestion about making our posts shorter and more goal focused, I feel like I owe you both an explanation for my absence. And, odds are, it'll be longer rather than shorter. However, I promise that moving forward, I will be more "to the point" and after the progress I've made in the last few days, it'll be a hell of a lot easier too.

So, a week ago Thursday I went to the lake. It was supposed to be for the weekend...my brother was coming and, as usual, I planned to spend time with the fam up there. Somehow though, my weekend turned into a week long stay. It wasn't all bad--I golfed with my aunt and uncle and walked all 9 holes. I got some quality ME time and got a few more chapters read in my crazy Mormon book. Those things aside, the honest reason I stayed was to escape my everyday life. Sure, I was still doing next to nothing but I wasn't doing it at home, so it didn't count! Ha! I paid my bills, renewed a library book and requested my unemployment benefits from the BlackBerry but other than that, I accomplished nothing because, according to my crazy logic, I didn't have to because I wasn't at home and I didn't need to be at home because there was nothing requiring my attention. In short, my mental state wasn't at it's best and it'd be a downhill slide leading up to my week at the lake.

Why? I don't know. Frustration with the job search. With my exercise (or lack thereof). With my complete disinterest in most things except sleeping and television. I didn't even want to eat. Put it this way...if I didn't know that buliema was so bad for me and my teeth (which I've already invested a lot of $$ in) I would throw up after I ate, so I didn't have to feel bad about it! Ugh! Anyway, when I did eat, when I didn't exercise, when I slept a lot...whenever I didn't do what I was "supposed" to do, I just felt guilty. I'm the Queen of Guilt on a regular basis but I was letting it take over. Staying at the lake was my way of avoiding having to feel bad about my actions because when I'm up there, nothing counts.
Clearly that's the wrong attitude and that realization hit me hard Thursday night this week when I came home.

A couple weeks ago I was reading some of my motivation/self-help books and while they are helpful, they don't capture my attention for very long. So I thought I'd find some audio sessions. I know, I know...motivation speakers = corny but it I figured it couldn't hurt. Anyway, I rememberd some Tony Robbins my brother had left on the computer before I bought it a few years ago. I add them to my ipod with the intention of listening to them. Someday. Turns out, someday was on the drive home Thursday afternoon.

To my complete and utter surprise, I found I really enjoyed what Tony Robbins had to say! His ideas, his take on why we fail to achieve, his approach to getting what we want...I was sold. I was excited to get home and do the things he advised. Then I hit rush hour traffic in the Cities, got stressed and did nothing when I got home. And, big shocker, guilt hit hard. I tried to talk to my mom about it but it just made me more upset...I burst into tears after I managed to get her off the phone! I don't know if I'd say it was rock bottom but I was pretty down there and I knew I had to do something.

On Friday I made a fresh start. I put on Tony Robbins again, while sitting at home. I took notes and outlined my plan like he described. One of the things he stresses is that you should never leave a goal setting session without doing at least one thing to achieve it. Part of the exercise then is to outline couple initial big and little actions that you could do immediately and in the near future. Guess what...it worked!

I did the little things first and suddenly I had momentum to do the big thing on my list. By the end of the day, I'd done them all!

Some specifics...my goal is to lose weight. I have to do it. For my physical health and my mental health. One of my "little actions" which turned into a big action, was to find an appropriate peer group. One of the things Tony talks about is that you need to surround yourself with people that are already at the level you want to reach. As in, if you were going to learn tennis, you should play against someone better than you because you won't learn from someone who knows less than you. I decided that I really, really need a coach for my project. Since I can't afford a real one, I thought about all the people I know who are living the fit and healthy life I want to live and I think I found the perfect person to guide me...my brother. He is in great shape. I know it's taken him awhile to get where he wants to be but he's still working at it and he's had TREMENDOUS success. Trust me; the before and after pictures of his recent efforts alone are amazing. Luckily, he didn't have plans last night so we met for dinner and worked out a way to make this happen. It will actually be good for both of us--I need a coach and he needs practice being one. This is something he wants to do but he sometimes is a little to harsh, too preachy and I can help him with that.

Anyway, after our planning session last night, I felt really renewed in my efforts. Even though I didn't get up as early as I hoped today, I still did all the things we discussed, including a good brunch, 30 minutes of yoga and an email update to Nick. He even called me because he hadn't gotten it by the time he thought he should. After I sent it, he sent back a FABULOUS reply; so supportive and positive...I was stunned but it made me feel great.

Anyway, I've managed to find a much better head space and I'm really excited about it. I'm taking this effort seriously...I've enlisted my bro because I know he'll kick my ass. I've even told him how much I weigh! Ahh! I used to think he'd judge me but with this...I KNOW he's been where I am and he won't think less of me.

At present, I'm working on my grocery list and have tentative plans to go to the farmers' market in Mpls with Nick tomorrow morning so I can get good veggies. I'm supposed to go to a going away party for a friend who is leaving for Marine boot camp but it's 45 minutes away and I really don't want to stay out late.

Alas, I apologize for the lengthy entry. I felt like you guys deserved to know what was going on. I'm sure I'm not going to be this happy and motivated ALL the time but I am right now and I'm proud of it. Oh, and I highly recommend Tony Robbins' "Get the Edge" series. Shameless plug. ;)

Plants! (The Second Attempt)

Yesterday: failure on all fronts. I did look at job postings... found none, really, and didn't do anything else even though there are people I should contact. Didn't plant my garden. Didn't visit Kathryn. Didn't work out. Didn't really anything.

Today: definitely planting the porch garden, after some errands. Hoping to then work out, do some yoga, and enjoy a lovely shower. Then... who knows. Probably something with Kevin. Here's hoping today comes out better!

Plants!

Yesterday: Errands all over Watertown with Kathryn, gathering supplies and plants for my new porch garden. Herbs and greens and tomatoes and yumminess, oh my! No workout. No job search. But fun.

Today: lazy morning. Must spend some time on job search. Must actually plant and assemble porch garden. Need to visit Kathryn to get cucumber plants and help with her garden. Then perhaps a workout (we'll see) and some time enjoying dinner on the porch, admiring my lovely plants. Oh, and *making* food for dinner.

Happy Friday!

Proposal: Simplify and Rededicate

In noticing that we're all struggling a bit to have something worthwhile to say, or to even get in front of a computer to post, I had a thought. I know I tend to ramble on sometimes - usually about nothing - and it's a habit that should be held back a bit. And also, for this blog idea to really be helpful in the way it was intended, it should be simple and quick enough that we'll do it daily or near-daily.

So here's what I plan to try for a bit. I will limit rambling posts with thoughts and nonsense to one or fewer per week. But daily, I will write a *short* post with specific goals and results - whatever they may be. Explanations, rationalizations, excuses, etc. will not be included. It may be morning with yesterday's results and today's goals. It may be evening with today's results and tomorrow's goals. But it will be short, to the point, and posted.

I'm just thinking simple and with less rambling thought will make it easier to keep up with it. And I honestly find it helpful to post little bits like that, thinking that someone else is reading them, because then I feel a little more "accountable" (not quite the word I want) than if I just tell myself something and then maybe change my mind.

Thoughts? Other barriers to posting I'm not thinking of? I just, you know, hope for this venture to be successful and usefully supportive for all of us.

Still Blah-ing

So, Monday was pretty good. I did almost everything I said I would. Laundry was all clean, but somehow I left a couple loads in the machines overnight. Phone calls were all made. Cleaning was successful - with a few stray pieces I'm still getting to... but nothing big. Didn't make it to Trader Joe's, but did it yesterday. Now I'm ready to bake something delicious. I also got several payments taken care of, and ordered my books for my summer class.

But then, somehow, Monday night came and I just kind of stopped. Entirely. I don't even really know what I did yesterday. I visited Trader Joe's. I took Smooshy to the vet. And then I just kind of hung out around the house watching TV and sort of reading. I meant to stay home to keep an eye on Smooshy, as she wasn't feeling too well after her shots. But I still could've been *doing* something.

Oh, I looked at job postings. Found all of one position worth applying to. And not anything exciting. So the job search thing didn't quite turn into the extended thing I'd planned. Although, there was a lot related to it - calls and emails I should've made - that I just didn't do.

Now it's 11am on Wednesday. I'm just getting out of bed and checking email, etc. I've got therapy at noon. And then this afternoon I'm hoping to feel motivated.

Here's the hope:
- bake the peanut butter strawberry bars I saw in a magazine
- work out, including yoga
- finish putting the things away that I left sitting around on Monday night
- be ready on time and feel good when Kevin gets here after work to go to dinner

And in the next couple days, Kathryn and I will get together to build my porch garden. The weather finally seems like it will cooperate. And I need to get myself back into working out regularly, instead of this sporadic crap. And I need to send those emails and make those calls to get myself more "out there" in the job search. I mean, really. How else am I going to get anywhere? Argh.

Yeah, Argh. That's about how I feel. I'd like to go back to bed now. But it's time to get dressed and visit starbucks on my way to therapy. At least it's sunny and beautiful out. That usually makes me feel better and more energized.

Sunday Beat Me. Monday Will Not.

Since last post, a distinct pattern has held true. When I am convinced to get up, get dressed, leave my house and be with other people, I feel good and have fun. When I am alone, I stay home in pajamas, do nothing (even what I need/want to do) and basically don't feel.

Yesterday was a particular waste. Too much sleep. Too much TV (including while asleep). Hell, I even spent last night through this morning on the couch... Stupid. And when I actually managed to process what I was doing - even for a fleeting second - I felt stupid about it. And then stopped thinking/feeling again, continuing to do nothing.

Today, I don't want to do that anymore. It took me awhile... a long while... to get my ass up and moving. But I went and got coffee and breakfast (since I have nothing of the sort in my kitchen at the moment. argh). I did some KenKen puzzles while I ate. I started a load of laundry. I did the dishes. I'm posting here.

Upcoming activities for the day:
- phone call to health insurance company (didn't send me a bill this month)
- phone call to doc
- phone call to GMAC (to *finally* send in the final payment for my car, which I've been putting off)
- more laundry (everything I own *will* be clean by the end of the day)
- clean up the pathetic high-school style disaster that is my bedroom
- vaccuum the apt
- put all clothes away
- sort papers on desk
- visit Trader Joe's to buy essentials for *making* food

Basically, today is for personal life phone calls and getting my physical space organized and feeling good. When I finish, I plan to sit and enjoy my space, perhaps reading one of my several library books. I may or may not feel like working out later... and that is fine. Today is for getting my physical environment back to a place where it feels organized and comfortable.

I decided I will not even attempt to do any job search stuff today. That is tomorrow's task. And tomorrow's only task. Although I do hope to work out tomorrow. That would make a nice break from computer and phone time.

Later in the week I will get supplies for and assemble my porch garden. Hopefully doing so with Kathryn's help.

I have other hopes for the week... but figure I'll let myself think about them when I get today's stuff done. Physical surroundings and then mental tasks.

OK, go.

Welcome to Apathy!

No, I didn't not fall off the face of the earth. I am, in fact, alive. If you could call it that.

Gwen pretty much echoed everything I wanted to say in her post the other day...the war between what I know I should do and want to do and what I ACTUALLY do. The logical, rational side of me knows better. It knows that a workout, a good meal, a meaningful job search would each get me out of my funk. Despite that, I can't make myself do it. I just...can't.

Two weeks ago, I was doing okay. I organized all my fitness info I've collected from magazines and put serious effort into to getting outside for workouts (running, walking) as well as some strength training.

Then "Aunt Flo" made her visit and totally messed me up. I'm convinced I have Post-Menstrual Syndrome. All my cravings, emotions, etc happen after and I lose all interest in doing anything.

Of course, I can only blame PMS for so long, you know? I felt better on Friday, too. Movie and dinner with Ana and then a night out with my friend Rachel...it was a top, top day. It was so good that I didn't put any effort into making subsequent days awesome...maybe because I knew I couldn't by comparison? Whatever. I was lazy. LAZY. And I have been ever since.

It's like...my logical side knows that I should get up in the morning and do...stuff. Then I think 'why bother' because there is no reason to get up before noon. NONE. I have nothing to do, nowhere I have to be. As a result, I don't think I've been up for noon in about a week. Yesterday was the first time I went anywhere in as many days. To the dentist of all places! I ran a couple errands too.

But since I sleep in late, I'm up late. I don't fall asleep until 1 or 2 and then I sleep in again. Today I blame the drugs. I took a serious pain killer last night for the post-root canal tramua and it messed me up. Weird dreams, stomach is funny and I'm just blaaaaah.

How did I get here? How do I get back on track? I've thought about going to see my therapist dude but...I fear the progress I make in session will disappear the minute I walk through by door. I've thought about talking to my doctor about my meds but I don't think they are the problem either. I've considered reading a book about the subject but considering and actually doing is where I get stuck on everything, including trying to fix the getting stuck problem in the first place. Ugh. So frustrating.

On the positive side, I did actually go for a run on Monday night. It's still light out at 8 here, enough that I can get a mile in. And since I don't do anything, I'm eating less. Truthfully, the eating isn't high on my list of failures right now. I have some good foods and my Special K red berries cereal and not a lot of snacks so it's okay. Next week will be Week 4 since I heard from the IRS so I should be hearing from them again soon. Tonight I'm meeting my parents to go grocery shopping for the weekend at the lake and I will get some flowers for the balcony to go with the herbs I'm growing. I'm going to get my mom's Mother's Day present too. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house. Eventually I need to vaccuum but I have done the dishes EVERY DAY despite my funk. No dishwasher, no leaving them sit. They get washed. That's the one thing I can count on my self to accomplish.

Tomorrow, I intend to go to yoga at noon and then hit the road to head up north. I'll be better once I get up there. Lots to do...see fam, bar bingo, ride 4-wheeler, shoot guns, fish, play games. My brother, two of his roommates and the two dogs are coming on Friday so we'll have a full house. I'm confident I will get up in the A.M. since I rarely sleep past 8 up there. I will get outside and get fresh air. I don't know what it is but I'm better when I'm there. I'm just hoping I can carry that back down here on Sunday.

Gwen, it sounds like you've had a positive day and have good plans for tonight. I have yet to get to a Twins game. I hope you get your workout in; you've inspired me to fit a quick something in before I shower and meet the 'rents. Actually, my friend Rachel and I are going to try and "get ripped" this summer. Starting later this month, we want to get together twice a week to workout and I have no doubt she will kick my ass.

Here's some food for thought...do you think our blah issues are a because we demand too much from ourselves? I know personally I'm really hard on myself but sometimes I think I'm not hard enough OR that I'm expecting a minimum of effort and I can't even manage that. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm still asking too much and that's why I can never live up to my own expectations and I fail. Possible?

I Will Not Do Nothing

The following are actions that are not nothing. If I remind myself of the little things, maybe I'll work up to some bigger ones.

Yesterday: Posted to blog. Made a couple phone calls (one to my doc, the other social). Then worked out. Finally. And god it felt good. Then went to Kevin's... mostly vegged on the couch... but got a delicious salad for dinner.

Today (so far): Felt my body (my back, especially) craving another good workout and stretch - within a minute of waking up. Hehe. Took myself to breakfast at my favorite Brighton coffee shop. Went to therapy. Talked myself OUT of going to Target, and therefore out of spending money unnecessarily. Lazed on the couch a bit catching up on DVR stuff.

Upcoming Today: As soon as I finish posting, change into workout clothes. Work out. Shower and beautify. Walk to bus; ride bus to Kenmore Square. This evening, attending the Red Sox game - sporting my cute new hat, won at the raffle a couple weeks ago. And if I'm early getting down there, I may just browse around the bookstore a bit before the game. But since I haven't gotten to the working out yet, I probably won't be early.

Of course, going to the game probably means not eating a salad, but rather a ballpark sausage. And probably a beer. But I'll be out, having fun, and at least I worked out. And I know better than to have lots of beers and sausages. Hehe.

I still don't know how to understand the overwhelming blah that defies description in words... which keeps me frustrated and kind of afraid of it. But I do know that working out and getting out to a game will strike a blow to it. So there, blah, take that!

Where Did We Go?

So it seems we've all fallen off the face of the earth a bit. I'm hoping that for you two, it's because you've suddenly found yourselves so busy with exciting adventures there hasn't been time to blog.

For myself, well, it's been the opposite. For the last few weeks I've fallen into an ugly funk. It's like there's this tug-of-war in me. But I only understand one side. I understand the rational side of me... the side that knows what I need and want, is able to verbalize it, make a plan to achieve it... Yet somehow the other side is winning lately. And it's all the more frustrating because that's the side I can't explain - even to myself. It's not rational; it has no words. But it's the side that keeps me sleeping in too late, napping all day, and laying around without any distinct thoughts or feelings. The only word I have to describe it is "blah". It's an overwhelming blah.

I think if I could somehow explain and analyze it, I'd feel better about how to handle it. But my attempts have failed so far. And it's so odd... because I know in my mind what I want, what I need, what will make me feel good - even in the immediate... yet the blah wins and I don't do it. It's stupid really. At times I think I'm just being lazy. And sometimes that may be it. But more often I feel like the blah overtakes everything, and nullifies any logic or feeling of desire that I have.

Needless to say, on the action front, there has been little to none.

I haven't been working out. There are times when my body is crying out for it... a good stretch, a nice strengthening set... but for no real reason, I ignore that urge. I let it pass. Why? I know it would feel good - physically and mentally. My body is *telling* me so clearly that it craves that feeling. I know it will motivate me to get other things done. And yet, no.

I haven't been working on the job search. I am so beyond sick of this boredom. I hate having no purpose, feeling useless... I *want* to get up and go to work in the morning. And the thing is, I know what steps I need to take. I know how to do what needs to be done. Intellectually, I want to do it. But still, I don't.

I have pretty much given up on eating fruits and veggies, and making food for myself. I eat almost exclusively out of boxes from the freezer. I know this was a strong trend for me before.. but it's gotten worse. Yet I think frequently of the farmer's markets opening next month. I have plans to start a porch "garden" for myself sometime very soon - lettuces, herbs, a tomato plant, maybe a few other yummies... And Kathryn is even going to come over and help me with it. I fantasize about baking delicious breads and desserts... I imagine beautiful and healthful meals full of amazing veggies. But that's where it stops. I turn to the freezer, pull out a Lean Cuisine, and press Start on the microwave.

I feel myself hiding. I know getting together with people - friends, especially - feels really good. And I find it motivating. But I've been avoiding people. Yesterday when Kelly got home (around 4pm), I actually closed my bedroom door and crawled under the covers of my bed. I stayed there, sleeping on and off, until well after dark. I didn't come out until I heard her go to bed. And I ask myself: WTF?! Why would I do that? There's no answer. Just the blah. Not even rationalizing it... just, nothing.

And every day lately feels like more of the same. I get to a point each day where I tell myself it's time to get up and do something simple... just to get myself started. And somehow each day I've failed. It defies explanation. Hell, even blogging about it has been beyond possibility until today.

And now that I've done that one little thing, I feel my body calling for a workout. I like that my body has this craving, and I'm going to indulge it now. Hopefully it will lead to more action for the day... the week... toward doing the things that *have* words, feelings, desires, explanations and hope behind them. Hopefully it's one step toward squashing the big blah. Hopefully.