"So change."

Yes, I did get my ass to the gym yesterday. And it felt great.

On my way home I wanted to hit the grocery store, but realized I hadn't brought my wallet with me. I get home, shower, and all the while I'm debating whether to eat the food I have already or hit the store. The lazier - though arguably more reasonable - path won out. I made little tortilla pizzas with tomato and goat cheese. Yum. And then off to Kevin's for some lazing about and beer. Not really an ideal ending for a day that finally got moving... but getting to curl up with Kevin was totally worth it.

Today, for some reason, we were both awake by 6am. He has an awful opinion of morning, and basically refuses to participate in it. So while I turned on some news, made coffee and flipped through Skinny Bitch in the Kitch, he put his effort into falling back asleep. And since my car wasn't at his house and I'd have to rely on him to get home, and since I really had no putzy stuff to keep myself busy at his house, I ended up falling back asleep too. Later, got up and came home. Meant to go to the gym. Meant to do yoga. Meant to buy some veggies at Whole Foods. Meant to read. Meant to do several things. Instead, I fell asleep. It was kind of cold so I put a blanket over me while reading... and the next thing I knew it was somewhere near 7pm. How did I lose the whole day?! And to make it worse, I still couldn't get myself to go to the store. Or do anything else for that matter. Hell, I even ordered Thai food instead of making something from my freezer. And lounged on the couch watching tv.

And then the weight of it all hit me. Why do I do this to myself? I have all these ideas of what I want to do, what will be good for me, how I want to do things... and I get excited about them... and I might even try them a time or two... and then I fall away from everything. Again. It's a horrific pattern when I really sit and think about it. Why would I do things (like ordering Thai food and eating way too much of it while lazing around the house in pajamas) that don't feel good, aren't good for me, and I don't even really like? It makes no sense! And why would I avoid (or just, not do) things that I do like, that feel good in my body and spirit, that settle my mind, that make me smile?!

Just thinking about it all brought me to tears. So I called Kevin. I usually try not to involve him in my irrational inner dramas... but I just felt the need to talk to him. And his response was really just so simple. I was talking about this awful pattern that keeps overtaking me, and he just said, "So change." Part of me wanted to argue that it's not that simple, that I'm trying... but I just sat with it a minute. And I realized he's right. I should stop berating myself so much for a misstep - or a missed day - and just take on the next task in front of me. His words were so simple, yet so calming and empowering for me. He asked what I'm reading, and suggested I turn off the TV and go read that book. And get to sleep at a reasonable time. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get up early and try to do better.

And he apologized for not encouraging me to get up and get my day moving today. He's coming to understand more that I need to move my ass in the morning to have a chance of feeling good that day. So I'm off to bed now, and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, and tomorrow will be a new day. I will try to get myself to the gym in the morning, and see if I can't just make tomorrow a better day than today.

If I want my days - my life - to be different, no one else is going to make it happen. So I need to change it. And when I catch myself falling into old, ugly patterns... instead of sinking, being overtaken, maybe I can change it.