And yet, only a little progress.
My calendar looks so lovley and full this month. How wonderfully real that would be if I had a job! Heh. The social aspect of all this activity - 4th of July party, HS reunion, Gathering of the Vibes music festival (starting tomorrow) - is feeling really great. And it's reinforced for me how much I love my friends, and need to be in regular contact with them. And SEE them in person. I was also reminded how lovely it is to just get away from my regular life for a couple days. A change of surroundings can give me so much energy. The bright side of all this is that I've still got a couple of upcoming trips to look forward to. And I've been stepping up efforts to get together with friends and do fun things - even useful fun things like buying paint with Courtenay for her new house.
On the other side of this "full" July calendar, I've not been as dedicated to my job search as I feel I should be. I've seen a good number more job postings than usual - but haven't stepped up the number of emails and apps I send out. I've made a list of very specific goals for each day of next week on the job front - and hope that since I was so clear with myself, I'll keep to it. The one that seems most important to me is contacting the agency my friend recommended, in hopes that they are filling some of the good positions I've seen posted.
Fitness front: not doing so well in getting to the gym. I've been a few times this month - and the month is coming to a close soon. I've rolled out my yoga mat a few times as well - including once at Krissie's on reunion weekend... quite proud of myself for making that happen. However I'd still like to see myself doing it more regularly.
Food is still mixed, though I maintain that summer is generally a healthier season for me because I so love the fresh produce. Last weekend I visited the Allston Farmers' Market and instead of dinner, I just chopped up veggies and ate them with some dip. YUM. Perhaps not the most balanced approach, but man was it delicious. Today I'm hitting up the store to make sure there are delicious and healthy foods available this weekend as we're camping in CT.
In a more internal place, I've been craving a major change... though I have yet to really define it. I know intellectually that a good job would fill that need. But I have a feeling it will be more expansive than that. I've also been - for no good reason at all - kind of stifling my expressive desires. I don't know where that's coming from... but on that front some change is coming. I can't stand holding it back.
For now though, practical (yet fun) needs prevail. I've got to get ready to leave in the morning to enjoy a weekend by Long Island Sound listening to music and hanging with good friends. :-)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Smack Upside My Head
The overwhelming truth is that I need structure. And sadly, I need it imposed on me by some outside force. I have got to step up the job-search efforts. Having a 9 to 5 would go miles in helping me organize my days. I've tried making schedules for myself, and never fail to let myself off the hook.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Right In Front Of My Eyes
On several fronts, I'm feeling reminded of the basics - and just how important those basics are. I've called them "the stuff of life" in posts before... good relationships with family and friends, good food, making it in my kitchen, growing plants for both food and beauty, enjoying peaceful moments, taking care of myself and those I love... all that stuff.
Last week, Mark told me he felt inspired by the list I have posted above my desk: Daily Goals. It was that list I made instead of any big New Year's resolutions, with five small things that I wish to become regular habits - and which will enhance my life. When he said that, I realized I hadn't looked at that list in ages... it's become part of the regular landscape of my wall. So today I sat and read it again. Really read it.
Daily Goals - 2009
1) See most of the daylight available each day.
2) Watch TV deliberately.
3) Get on the mat.
4) Include produce in every meal.
5) Talk to someone I care about deeply.
I made the list with hopes that each day I would strive for all five, and the belief that within a month or two I could achieve all five goals every day. Now past the halfway point of 2009, I'm not sure I've had a day yet where I met all five. Although, not really paying attention, I wouldn't know. It's sad to me that I'm still so full of talk and ideas, and so lacking in willpower and the ability to follow through, even when it comes to things so small and simple. Yet I also feel refreshed in the hope that I can strive for these little - though significant - goals. And I noticed that there are a couple items I am doing regularly, without thinking much about them. I'm glad Mark noticed my little list on the wall, because it made me notice it again.
Over the holiday weekend I got to experience something else that had been missing for awhile - sunshine! It was beautiful... warm but not too hot, breezy, sunny... actual summer. With all the rain, the summer days I thought of - and dreaded - were the unbearably hot and humid days... but I was reminded just how lovely and temperate New England summer can be. Kevin and I spent an extra day in Holyoke, lazily soaking up the peaceful feeling, doing not much of anything and loving it. Even the party on Saturday was a reminder of what real life is about - enjoying good company, soaking up beautiful weather, eating delicious food (yay for veggie burgers and my cranberry-pecan bread!), and having fun.
Yesterday, Kathryn and I were talking about the effect of unemployment on our psyches and our desires for our futures. It's funny how something so seemingly straightforward as losing a job can shift the entire landscape of a life - but it seems to be a common experience lately. Kathryn and a friend are planning a blog on the topic of reviving "domestic" life - cooking, gardening, sewing, knitting, caring for family, etc. I find it interesting just how many blogs, websites, articles, news stories and such are coming out latley, with people discovering just that. How did our culture get so wrapped up in some odd definition of "professional success" that we put our real lives on the back burner? Or, as Kathryn asked it, "Is there a reason why crunching numbers or answering phones have become more respectable careers than maintaining the health, happiness and general wellness of our friends and families?"
The part that awes me most about it is that Kathryn and I used to talk about how we could never be the stay-at-home-mom and housewife. Now, even without children - and for me without being a wife or having a house - we're both craving that life, and coming to understand the fulfillment that comes with dedicating time and energy to life. To real life. Not to earning money, not to achieving some artificial standard of excellence in some industry, not to being seen by others as successful... but to the things that are so basically enjoyable, so intrinsically meaningful and instinctually right that we often overlook them.
I have no illusion that I will be able to live well without working. But this year of unemployment has taught me that what I do to earn a living... that is not my life, it is done to pay for my real life. Maybe someday I'll find something that feels like an important part of me, and part of my life, a passion with real meaning that will earn me some money as well. In the meantime, I will keep taking in these reminders that my energy is best spent on the simplest things that make up real life, and try to make my shift in perception a shift in action.
Last week, Mark told me he felt inspired by the list I have posted above my desk: Daily Goals. It was that list I made instead of any big New Year's resolutions, with five small things that I wish to become regular habits - and which will enhance my life. When he said that, I realized I hadn't looked at that list in ages... it's become part of the regular landscape of my wall. So today I sat and read it again. Really read it.
Daily Goals - 2009
1) See most of the daylight available each day.
2) Watch TV deliberately.
3) Get on the mat.
4) Include produce in every meal.
5) Talk to someone I care about deeply.
I made the list with hopes that each day I would strive for all five, and the belief that within a month or two I could achieve all five goals every day. Now past the halfway point of 2009, I'm not sure I've had a day yet where I met all five. Although, not really paying attention, I wouldn't know. It's sad to me that I'm still so full of talk and ideas, and so lacking in willpower and the ability to follow through, even when it comes to things so small and simple. Yet I also feel refreshed in the hope that I can strive for these little - though significant - goals. And I noticed that there are a couple items I am doing regularly, without thinking much about them. I'm glad Mark noticed my little list on the wall, because it made me notice it again.
Over the holiday weekend I got to experience something else that had been missing for awhile - sunshine! It was beautiful... warm but not too hot, breezy, sunny... actual summer. With all the rain, the summer days I thought of - and dreaded - were the unbearably hot and humid days... but I was reminded just how lovely and temperate New England summer can be. Kevin and I spent an extra day in Holyoke, lazily soaking up the peaceful feeling, doing not much of anything and loving it. Even the party on Saturday was a reminder of what real life is about - enjoying good company, soaking up beautiful weather, eating delicious food (yay for veggie burgers and my cranberry-pecan bread!), and having fun.
Yesterday, Kathryn and I were talking about the effect of unemployment on our psyches and our desires for our futures. It's funny how something so seemingly straightforward as losing a job can shift the entire landscape of a life - but it seems to be a common experience lately. Kathryn and a friend are planning a blog on the topic of reviving "domestic" life - cooking, gardening, sewing, knitting, caring for family, etc. I find it interesting just how many blogs, websites, articles, news stories and such are coming out latley, with people discovering just that. How did our culture get so wrapped up in some odd definition of "professional success" that we put our real lives on the back burner? Or, as Kathryn asked it, "Is there a reason why crunching numbers or answering phones have become more respectable careers than maintaining the health, happiness and general wellness of our friends and families?"
The part that awes me most about it is that Kathryn and I used to talk about how we could never be the stay-at-home-mom and housewife. Now, even without children - and for me without being a wife or having a house - we're both craving that life, and coming to understand the fulfillment that comes with dedicating time and energy to life. To real life. Not to earning money, not to achieving some artificial standard of excellence in some industry, not to being seen by others as successful... but to the things that are so basically enjoyable, so intrinsically meaningful and instinctually right that we often overlook them.
I have no illusion that I will be able to live well without working. But this year of unemployment has taught me that what I do to earn a living... that is not my life, it is done to pay for my real life. Maybe someday I'll find something that feels like an important part of me, and part of my life, a passion with real meaning that will earn me some money as well. In the meantime, I will keep taking in these reminders that my energy is best spent on the simplest things that make up real life, and try to make my shift in perception a shift in action.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Once Again, Setting Change in Motion
Thursday was filled with actual progress toward positive change. It's not that anything major really happened... but a few ideas and plans were created, supported, and started.
I suppose the most significant one is agreeing to change my meds. After a couple years now on Prozac - and still struggling - my psychiatrist recommends I come off it and try Wellbutrin instead. Even the pharmacist was enthusiastic about its positive effects for people he knows. Both my doctor and the pharmacist tell me it raises energy, allows people who (like me) oversleep and overeat to reign it in, and cuts cravings (whatever they may be), so that most people end up losing weight and feeling notably more motivated. Of course, I've got some reading to do before I start taking this drug... but if it will help me get over this impossible hill that stalls positive movement, I'm OK with trying it. And once I push over that hill and really develop the positive life-supporting habits that I'm trying to put in place, to ingrain them so much in my life that I can't not do them, then it should be much easier to come off meds altogether. So I'm intrigued by the possibility here.
I also set a goal that the next time I see my therapist, I'll be able to truthfully say that I've been to the gym TEN times since I last saw her. I went after that appointment yesterday. And even though I'll be out of town for both weekends before the next appt, if I visit the gym each weekday I will succeed. Part of it is really just that I want to do it. I want to be visiting the gym five or six days a week. My body and mind feel amazing, empowered, and calmer when I work out. There won't be anything bad about having to say I missed the mark... but I'd be pretty psyched if I can get myself to make it to this goal. And it would be another step toward making my gym time a true habit that I can't live without.
On the job front, again no actual progress, but at a party last night I was talking to a few friends and decided to finally go the temp agency route. I got their recommendations of which agencies and people are most helpful, and who's got the best jobs to offer. Since I'm coming so close to the end of unemployment benefits anyway, even some income will be better than none. And hopefully it would lead to full-time employment relatively soon.
The last piece that was talked about yesterday - and is talked about often - is the one I most struggle with. I need some kind of structure in my life. And clearly I'm terrible at creating it for myself and holding to it. My hope is that somewhere between the meds change and the temp agencies, I will find some kind of structuring element that works for me. This feels almost like the last piece of the puzzle that, once completed, will allow me to move forward into a new phase of my life. To leave this depressive, purposeless, dependent, always at home phase finally behind me. It may not be a big dream, but if it takes hold I'll feel able to build those big dreams again. And that, my friends, would be magnificent.
I suppose the most significant one is agreeing to change my meds. After a couple years now on Prozac - and still struggling - my psychiatrist recommends I come off it and try Wellbutrin instead. Even the pharmacist was enthusiastic about its positive effects for people he knows. Both my doctor and the pharmacist tell me it raises energy, allows people who (like me) oversleep and overeat to reign it in, and cuts cravings (whatever they may be), so that most people end up losing weight and feeling notably more motivated. Of course, I've got some reading to do before I start taking this drug... but if it will help me get over this impossible hill that stalls positive movement, I'm OK with trying it. And once I push over that hill and really develop the positive life-supporting habits that I'm trying to put in place, to ingrain them so much in my life that I can't not do them, then it should be much easier to come off meds altogether. So I'm intrigued by the possibility here.
I also set a goal that the next time I see my therapist, I'll be able to truthfully say that I've been to the gym TEN times since I last saw her. I went after that appointment yesterday. And even though I'll be out of town for both weekends before the next appt, if I visit the gym each weekday I will succeed. Part of it is really just that I want to do it. I want to be visiting the gym five or six days a week. My body and mind feel amazing, empowered, and calmer when I work out. There won't be anything bad about having to say I missed the mark... but I'd be pretty psyched if I can get myself to make it to this goal. And it would be another step toward making my gym time a true habit that I can't live without.
On the job front, again no actual progress, but at a party last night I was talking to a few friends and decided to finally go the temp agency route. I got their recommendations of which agencies and people are most helpful, and who's got the best jobs to offer. Since I'm coming so close to the end of unemployment benefits anyway, even some income will be better than none. And hopefully it would lead to full-time employment relatively soon.
The last piece that was talked about yesterday - and is talked about often - is the one I most struggle with. I need some kind of structure in my life. And clearly I'm terrible at creating it for myself and holding to it. My hope is that somewhere between the meds change and the temp agencies, I will find some kind of structuring element that works for me. This feels almost like the last piece of the puzzle that, once completed, will allow me to move forward into a new phase of my life. To leave this depressive, purposeless, dependent, always at home phase finally behind me. It may not be a big dream, but if it takes hold I'll feel able to build those big dreams again. And that, my friends, would be magnificent.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
"So change."
Yes, I did get my ass to the gym yesterday. And it felt great.
On my way home I wanted to hit the grocery store, but realized I hadn't brought my wallet with me. I get home, shower, and all the while I'm debating whether to eat the food I have already or hit the store. The lazier - though arguably more reasonable - path won out. I made little tortilla pizzas with tomato and goat cheese. Yum. And then off to Kevin's for some lazing about and beer. Not really an ideal ending for a day that finally got moving... but getting to curl up with Kevin was totally worth it.
Today, for some reason, we were both awake by 6am. He has an awful opinion of morning, and basically refuses to participate in it. So while I turned on some news, made coffee and flipped through Skinny Bitch in the Kitch, he put his effort into falling back asleep. And since my car wasn't at his house and I'd have to rely on him to get home, and since I really had no putzy stuff to keep myself busy at his house, I ended up falling back asleep too. Later, got up and came home. Meant to go to the gym. Meant to do yoga. Meant to buy some veggies at Whole Foods. Meant to read. Meant to do several things. Instead, I fell asleep. It was kind of cold so I put a blanket over me while reading... and the next thing I knew it was somewhere near 7pm. How did I lose the whole day?! And to make it worse, I still couldn't get myself to go to the store. Or do anything else for that matter. Hell, I even ordered Thai food instead of making something from my freezer. And lounged on the couch watching tv.
And then the weight of it all hit me. Why do I do this to myself? I have all these ideas of what I want to do, what will be good for me, how I want to do things... and I get excited about them... and I might even try them a time or two... and then I fall away from everything. Again. It's a horrific pattern when I really sit and think about it. Why would I do things (like ordering Thai food and eating way too much of it while lazing around the house in pajamas) that don't feel good, aren't good for me, and I don't even really like? It makes no sense! And why would I avoid (or just, not do) things that I do like, that feel good in my body and spirit, that settle my mind, that make me smile?!
Just thinking about it all brought me to tears. So I called Kevin. I usually try not to involve him in my irrational inner dramas... but I just felt the need to talk to him. And his response was really just so simple. I was talking about this awful pattern that keeps overtaking me, and he just said, "So change." Part of me wanted to argue that it's not that simple, that I'm trying... but I just sat with it a minute. And I realized he's right. I should stop berating myself so much for a misstep - or a missed day - and just take on the next task in front of me. His words were so simple, yet so calming and empowering for me. He asked what I'm reading, and suggested I turn off the TV and go read that book. And get to sleep at a reasonable time. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get up early and try to do better.
And he apologized for not encouraging me to get up and get my day moving today. He's coming to understand more that I need to move my ass in the morning to have a chance of feeling good that day. So I'm off to bed now, and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, and tomorrow will be a new day. I will try to get myself to the gym in the morning, and see if I can't just make tomorrow a better day than today.
If I want my days - my life - to be different, no one else is going to make it happen. So I need to change it. And when I catch myself falling into old, ugly patterns... instead of sinking, being overtaken, maybe I can change it.
On my way home I wanted to hit the grocery store, but realized I hadn't brought my wallet with me. I get home, shower, and all the while I'm debating whether to eat the food I have already or hit the store. The lazier - though arguably more reasonable - path won out. I made little tortilla pizzas with tomato and goat cheese. Yum. And then off to Kevin's for some lazing about and beer. Not really an ideal ending for a day that finally got moving... but getting to curl up with Kevin was totally worth it.
Today, for some reason, we were both awake by 6am. He has an awful opinion of morning, and basically refuses to participate in it. So while I turned on some news, made coffee and flipped through Skinny Bitch in the Kitch, he put his effort into falling back asleep. And since my car wasn't at his house and I'd have to rely on him to get home, and since I really had no putzy stuff to keep myself busy at his house, I ended up falling back asleep too. Later, got up and came home. Meant to go to the gym. Meant to do yoga. Meant to buy some veggies at Whole Foods. Meant to read. Meant to do several things. Instead, I fell asleep. It was kind of cold so I put a blanket over me while reading... and the next thing I knew it was somewhere near 7pm. How did I lose the whole day?! And to make it worse, I still couldn't get myself to go to the store. Or do anything else for that matter. Hell, I even ordered Thai food instead of making something from my freezer. And lounged on the couch watching tv.
And then the weight of it all hit me. Why do I do this to myself? I have all these ideas of what I want to do, what will be good for me, how I want to do things... and I get excited about them... and I might even try them a time or two... and then I fall away from everything. Again. It's a horrific pattern when I really sit and think about it. Why would I do things (like ordering Thai food and eating way too much of it while lazing around the house in pajamas) that don't feel good, aren't good for me, and I don't even really like? It makes no sense! And why would I avoid (or just, not do) things that I do like, that feel good in my body and spirit, that settle my mind, that make me smile?!
Just thinking about it all brought me to tears. So I called Kevin. I usually try not to involve him in my irrational inner dramas... but I just felt the need to talk to him. And his response was really just so simple. I was talking about this awful pattern that keeps overtaking me, and he just said, "So change." Part of me wanted to argue that it's not that simple, that I'm trying... but I just sat with it a minute. And I realized he's right. I should stop berating myself so much for a misstep - or a missed day - and just take on the next task in front of me. His words were so simple, yet so calming and empowering for me. He asked what I'm reading, and suggested I turn off the TV and go read that book. And get to sleep at a reasonable time. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get up early and try to do better.
And he apologized for not encouraging me to get up and get my day moving today. He's coming to understand more that I need to move my ass in the morning to have a chance of feeling good that day. So I'm off to bed now, and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, and tomorrow will be a new day. I will try to get myself to the gym in the morning, and see if I can't just make tomorrow a better day than today.
If I want my days - my life - to be different, no one else is going to make it happen. So I need to change it. And when I catch myself falling into old, ugly patterns... instead of sinking, being overtaken, maybe I can change it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)