Once Again, Setting Change in Motion

Thursday was filled with actual progress toward positive change. It's not that anything major really happened... but a few ideas and plans were created, supported, and started.

I suppose the most significant one is agreeing to change my meds. After a couple years now on Prozac - and still struggling - my psychiatrist recommends I come off it and try Wellbutrin instead. Even the pharmacist was enthusiastic about its positive effects for people he knows. Both my doctor and the pharmacist tell me it raises energy, allows people who (like me) oversleep and overeat to reign it in, and cuts cravings (whatever they may be), so that most people end up losing weight and feeling notably more motivated. Of course, I've got some reading to do before I start taking this drug... but if it will help me get over this impossible hill that stalls positive movement, I'm OK with trying it. And once I push over that hill and really develop the positive life-supporting habits that I'm trying to put in place, to ingrain them so much in my life that I can't not do them, then it should be much easier to come off meds altogether. So I'm intrigued by the possibility here.

I also set a goal that the next time I see my therapist, I'll be able to truthfully say that I've been to the gym TEN times since I last saw her. I went after that appointment yesterday. And even though I'll be out of town for both weekends before the next appt, if I visit the gym each weekday I will succeed. Part of it is really just that I want to do it. I want to be visiting the gym five or six days a week. My body and mind feel amazing, empowered, and calmer when I work out. There won't be anything bad about having to say I missed the mark... but I'd be pretty psyched if I can get myself to make it to this goal. And it would be another step toward making my gym time a true habit that I can't live without.

On the job front, again no actual progress, but at a party last night I was talking to a few friends and decided to finally go the temp agency route. I got their recommendations of which agencies and people are most helpful, and who's got the best jobs to offer. Since I'm coming so close to the end of unemployment benefits anyway, even some income will be better than none. And hopefully it would lead to full-time employment relatively soon.

The last piece that was talked about yesterday - and is talked about often - is the one I most struggle with. I need some kind of structure in my life. And clearly I'm terrible at creating it for myself and holding to it. My hope is that somewhere between the meds change and the temp agencies, I will find some kind of structuring element that works for me. This feels almost like the last piece of the puzzle that, once completed, will allow me to move forward into a new phase of my life. To leave this depressive, purposeless, dependent, always at home phase finally behind me. It may not be a big dream, but if it takes hold I'll feel able to build those big dreams again. And that, my friends, would be magnificent.