Blah Blah Blah

I had intended to do something blog-worthy today. But then I fell asleep on the couch. And I don't even know how long I was sleeping... but I'm guessing a few hours. Argh.

I have only worked out once in the past week. And my body feels stiff and slow because of it.

I haven't been doing the dishes.

I haven't been really working on the job search, or finding contacts in publishing to ask for advice.

I haven't been doing anything, really.

My mind has great moments of imagination and fun... but I don't actually DO anything. Stupid.

My Belated Update

I'm back from my blogging hiatus!

The break was unintended and unplanned...I just need a few days away from people. You know, a few days in my own little universe with just strangers. It was very enjoyable and mildly productive.

Monday was sleep/recovery from weekend day. It was also dentist day. I did some job searching and a 30 minute run/walk. Wednesday I worked out for about an hour (yoga, rollerblading, weights). Yesterday I read for a while and did some circuit weight training and a 15 minute interval run/walk. My mom and I went out to eat (Chinese) and to WalMart where I got some herbs for my deck. They are potted and ready to grow!

Today....I've done nothing so far. Except for learning that if I can find a way to make some extra cash in May, I CAN afford to go to DC for my friend's 30th birthday weekend. I've already got free lodging and the plane tix are cheapcheap...I just need to secure some income, a few hundred bucks. My parents are going to help me brainstorm; I'm hoping you guys can too. Who knows... maybe my dad will cave and give me frequent flyer miles or they'll figure it as my birthday present or something. I'd love to surprise Maureen and see my DC peeps.

So, aside from breakfast and coffee, that has been my focus this morning. And OMG it's already noon! I mean, I was up at 9 (after I woke up at 5 and went back to sleep, of course). Not nearly as warm today as yesterday (85!) and possible rain this afternoon which means I need to get a workout in. Or I could just do yoga. I must do something.

Tomorrow I'm headed to the parents house to clean. I'll probably go to the driving range. I think I'll spend the night and take advantage of an empty house, a big screen tv and free laundry, too.

Not much else to report. My life is pretty boring these days. I read, I eat, I sleep, I workout, I watch tv. I wait for the IRS to call. Very exciting, right?

Hope you are both well. Gwen, I made good on our pact yesterday...did you?

k.

Finally Coming Out of the Funk

So after basically wasting a week, doing almost nothing useful or productive and spending too much time asleep, in front of the tv, or both... well, I'm feeling a little more alive. Kevin got me to leave the house last night to go see (or rather, not see, as it got rained out) the Red Sox game. It was kind of nice, though, just hanging out with him at Fenway, people watching for awhile. And then we got to do it again today! It was gorgeous when we got to the park.... and started raining in about the 5th. But the Sox were kicking some Twins ass anyway, so the early rainout was fine. (Yes, rubbing it in a little. Hehe.)

So in the past week I've accomplished.... um... I cleaned out the litter box a couple times... I worked out once or twice... and that's about it. No job progress. No "me" progress - in fact, probably a step back a bit there, albeit temporary (I hope!). And no fitness progress, since even the couple workouts I did were a bit toned down.

Tomorrow, though, I've got all day to myself. And if I get to bed soon, I probably won't sleep in too late. So tomorrow's goals are few, but important.
1) I will work out. This will include phase one of the Body+Soul mag. plan for getting my body accustomed to jogging. This will also include a pilates dvd, and - if my muscles still feel up to it - a yoga sequence as well. God will that feel good.
2) I will send at least four requests for "informational interviews" with people who work in publishing in the Boston area. I will use my LinkedIn networks. I will also contact at least one Body+Soul editor, as well as the Kripalu writer whose work I like and blog I follow.
2a) I will search out the latest job postings for the Boston area. It's been like a week and a half since I looked. Argh.
3) I will do laundry. And I will keep going until I run out of quarters. Instead of finding my pathetic laundry habits amusing, like I used to, I'm coming to find them annoying. However, not having clean clothes that fit me does (well, in addition to making me feel a little bad) motivate me to work out.

OK... hoping for a good tomorrow - for all of us! Hope you're well, sending you my love, and looking forward to hearing from you both!

And, Fail

Not really surprised. Can't shake the "blah" these last few days.

I did put the shelf together last night. I did sort of clean up my space (although, a lot of the mess just got moved around). Did not work out. At all. Sat on the couch watching tv. I did sleep in my own bed, though. Yeah, that means I got the piles of laundry and other mess off of it.

I spent some time online doing a little research and formulating reasonable plans for people I should make contact with for my job search/networking. That's the big job item I HAVE to do this week. I've got to get out of my rut, out of my hole, hell, out of my house.

I tried making a schedule for myself. I am terrible about sticking to my own arbitrary schedules. So I'm back to listing a handful of goals for the day. Some small, some big... but all do-able. Looking back at my efforts, I think this goals method allows me to feel more successful, but to adapt readily for how I'm feeling each day, and for whatever opportunities may come up.

Today's goals:
1) Clean out litter boxes
2) Take out trash
3) Vaccuum apartment
4) Laundry (at least two loads completed)
5) Work out: pilates and yoga
6) Job Search: search and print new postings of interest, create draft of cold-contact letter to get informational interviews with local publishing professionals

And since I agreed to go to tonight's Red Sox game (Twins are in town - but I've been here long enough, I'm a Sox girl now), I'm on a deadline for all of this. I've only got a few hours. I suppose this means I have to get off the computer and move my ass. OK... attempting to do something useful. Although CNN is still on the living room tv, and seems to call my name. Hmmm...

I = Lazy Blob

All day yesterday... most of today (so far). Yeah. Lots of television... even slept on the couch most of the night. Then when I heard Kelly get up, I moved into my room, crawled onto the one part of my bed that wasn't covered in junk, and went back to sleep until after noon.

So again I am asking myself WTF!?

After I got up today, I went to Target. I decided that since I want to buy clothes so badly, and am actually in need of workout clothes so that I don't have to do laundry more than once a week, I could buy some cheap ones there. I refuse to buy "real" clothes until my body gets back into a size I like - and into most of the clothes I already own.

Today's a holiday (only in MA, it's Patriot's Day - aka Boston Marathon Day), which I somehow used to justify my lazy-ass behavior. But since every day is entirely up to me, I know how ridiculous I'm being.

At least it's only 4:30. I'm going to get off my computer, put together the shelf that arrived today (for over the litter box... finally!), and clean up some of the catastrophe that is my bedroom. And I WILL work out today. Probably not outside, since rains are coming, but pilates and yoga. Perhaps in some of my new target workout clothes.

One Small Victory Against Slacker-dom

Spending nights at Kevin's house is common for me. And it has some really nice features - including his bed which is way comfier than mine. But I'm realizing it has some downsides as well. The main one is that on weekends (and even weekdays, to be honest, since his work schedule is up to him) he likes to sleep in. The last couple days, we've gone to bed at a perfectly reasonable hour (11:30pm). Friday morning, we both were awake at 7:30. Now, rational me said "Get up!" However, lazy me overruled and decided to stay in bed. The alarm wouldn't go off for another two hours... I was comfortable... Kevin was staying in bed till the alarm... I wanted to stay there with Kevin... blah blah blah. When the 9:30 alarm did go off, well, we were both groggy and just... well, you know how it is when you oversleep.

So last night when he mentioned sleeping in way late - as in after noon - I said I might just get up and go when I felt awake. I hate that oversleeping feeling. And it just indulges my slacker side. It feeds my slow side. It fuels that part of me that just wants to do nothing for the rest of the day. And when the end of the day comes, I feel like a waste. So today I had my car over there, and when I was feeling awake, I just got up, kissed his sleepy head goodbye and headed home. Watched some CNN, did some pokey stuff online, signed up for a summer term class (woohoo!)... I had a lovely workout - pilates dvd and a yoga dvd. And now I'm blogging. Feeling good throughout my body. Breathing deeply. And hoping my strawberries are still good so I can have them with yogurt for a lovely snack. Yum!

I'm going to spend some time planning today to. Making a schedule for the coming week. I feel like a big part of my problem accomplishing anything is that I have no routine. So I'm going to try to make one. Block out specific times for workouts. (And, consulting the forecasts, include time to begin my "becoming a jogger" regimen from the magazine.) Block out specific times when I will do certain job search stuff. Of course, there will still be huge blocks of free time... but I feel like they'll be more enjoyable if I know I've already set aside specific time to accomplish the things I need to do. You know? Instead of procrastinating, having a schedule. Anyway, crossing my fingers on this one.

I hope your weekend is treating you well! HUGS!

Happy weekend!

Greetings!

I'm off to up north again in a few minutes with my mom, Fran and Taylor. I wanted to post again before I departed!

Yesterday I did as I wanted...I got a nice "at-home" workout in. I did 45 minutes of core, arms and legs. It felt great. I also went to the driving range for about 45 minutes to practice my swing. Not as bad I expected but not as good as I hoped. I see a few more golf lessons in my future. :) I had dinner and surprisingly good/intelligent conversation with my mom and brother, too.

This morning I meant to go to 9:30 yoga but after my workout and range time, I created some serious knots in my neck. I massaged them out as best I good and got out the Bengay. It feels better now, esp after a hot shower, but it's still pretty tender. Instead, I cleaned up and vaccuumed. Met my dad in FL for a late lunch and then cleaned out my car before my mom got home.

We are headed to Klausens' momentarily but I hope you both have fab weekends!!

k.

I Am A Slacker

Yes, it's true. The one actually important thing I needed to do this week... the one thing that has consequences... the one thing that would alleviate stress and give me some routine and purpose... is the one thing I have not done. There's really no good reason why I didn't apply for jobs this week. I just didn't. I could use Jimmy's visit as an excuse... but he was only here a couple days. I could easily have still gotten it in.

I also slacked on my workouts. I didn't abandon them entirely... but didn't keep up either. Today my new yoga dvds arrived, though. Namaste Yoga, Season 2. Hooray! I was thinking about heading back outside with a book (today is gorgeous, and the only nice day we'll have for the next week or so), but when Namaste and the new issue of Body+Soul magazine got here... I couldn't help but do some yoga.

One career idea that I really need to put more energy toward (my shyness and irrational fears of going out of my way, making an idiot of myself, and irritating people... they're all in my way on this one) is meeting people in publishing and getting their advice. I don't know anyone. And I don't know anyone who knows anyone. So this means cold contact. And probably a whole lot of unanswered letters/emails/calls. I detest the thought. But I'm clearly missing something in what I'm sending for these publishing jobs... and I'd like to be more noticeable. Plus, Body+Soul (which is currently my absolute favorite magazine) is published only a few miles from my house. And through their website (and even Facebook for some of them) it's pretty easy to get contact information for the editors and regular writers and stuff. Not sure what's holding me back from just trying to get in touch with a few people and seeing what happens. They don't know me... so I don't have anything to lose if they ignore me or are annoyed.

I think this should be a major goal for me next week. I need to make a plan over the weekend, and get in touch with at least three people in the Body+Soul offices to ask for a short informational interview, just to get advice on breaking into publishing. Because the more I think about the possibilities within that industry, the more I want to be in it.

Tangent (though somewhat related): The issue that arrived in the mail today includes an article on how to get yourself to start running. Like, how to move from complete couch potato to a regular jogging habit. And it's got a detailed plan for how to proceed slowly and methodically to get your body used to it over time. I'm psyched because I keep toying with the idea of becoming a "runner" but every time I am out for a walk and run just a few minutes, I am out of breath and hating the idea again. Well, the article held the answers as to why my body reacts this way... and how to do it right. I confess, every Bostonian feels this urge come on in April - the Boston Marathon (and the corresponding state holiday Patriot's Day) is this coming Monday. But this is a growing desire I've had for almost a year now. And having an actual plan in front of me - and one that is clearly do-able even starting from scratch - makes me think that maybe I can actually get myself to become one of those people who jog so peacefully by the river in the afternoon, in their own world and their fit bodies.

Anyway, I'm off to, well, I don't know. I've got a little picking up to do around the house, and then I'm off to Kevin's. But we have no plans. Which probably means doing something lazy. I need to come up with fun and active things for us to do... in the impending crap weather, I see the WiiFit coming out this weekend. Teehee! And I'm going to try to eat healthfully, maybe even persuading him into a grocery store adventure.

Happy Weekend! Here's hoping the slacker in me falls by the wayside!

"I have a 'whoopie' and a 'but'..."

Ok so.

Since I posted last, my emotional state has greatly improved. Tuesday night I went shopping...got some spring/summer clothes, deck furniture and groceries. Retail therapy always feels good.

Yesterday I sat on the deck and read my current book...Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. It's about crazy Mormon fundamentalists. So far, so good! Then later, I went to 6:30 yoga.

Today...not as successful as I'd hoped. I planned on going to 6am cycle class only because I find myself waking up at 5am anyway (before going back to sleep). Except last night I didn't get to sleep until 1, so 5 was a little early. I also decided it was a little creepy. I mean, it's still dark out at 5:40 when I would leave for the gym and that skeevs me out. Not sure why but I don't think I'll be going to 6am class until it's light out. Alas, after getting up around 10, I made delicious chocolate chip pancakes and had planned to go to noon yoga instead. Um...no. I had to finish a project for my mom and I'm too wired and it's too nice out for me to go sit in a dark room. I just wasn't certain I would be able to focus. And I just about died at last nights class. My nose has been kind of stuff and I'm pretty sure breathing through just my nose is NOT getting me enough air...I was seriously out of breath. At yoga class. WTF! Plus she did this move that brought home how weak my core really is. SO, I have every intention of working out at home today, focusing on my core.

Anyway, project is done and so are the dishes (and I can totally relate to that being a indicator of my life--I'm going to have to read that thing you suggested, Gwen!). I posted Easter weekend pictures on Facebook. Confirmed Monday's dentist appointment. I want to sit on the deck some more. I'm headed to FL for dinner tonight but think I might go early and hit some balls at the driving range (also a workout!). All is well.

But...I do have one dilemma and I need some input. Last week, I applied for a job at the IRS office here in St. Paul. It was a long process but the closing date was Friday so I had to get it done. I was (and still am) very excited about the position and think that I'm fairly well qualified. Apparently, the IRS employment office thinks so too. Yesterday I got email that said:

"Your application for the above position was received and processed in accordance with the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) guidelines. Based upon your online vacancy responses, you were found to be among the well qualified applicants for this position."

In short, whoopie. I'm super pumped. Not super surprised really but super excited. Until I read the next part:

"In four to six weeks you will be receiving correspondence via e-mail, postal mail, or by telephone, informing you of the next step in the application process."

Ummm...FOUR TO SIX WEEKS? But WTF am I supposed to do in the meantime!?! I will obviously keep applying for other stuff but I really want THIS job. Certainly there is no guarantee I will get it even after an interview but I don't want have to turn it down because they took so long. Then again, I'm not sure that collecting unemployment for the next four to six weeks will be enough $$$. I could tell my parents and they would probably help me out but then if I interview and DON'T get it, I'm still screwed and low on money.

What do I do?

As I Expected

Wandering around town with Jim is a good time. Good to hang out with him... and lots of walking involved. I skipped my workout yesterday because of it, but feel confident that the walking made up for it. Today will probably be the same.

And Kevin came home this morning! Psyched to see him. :-)

Atrophy of Life

I apologize for being MIA for so long. I actually wrote this post earlier today (Tuesday) but apparently hit “save” and not “post” so you aren’t getting it until now.

The weekend went as expected…some work and too much fun (and booze) and no time to blog. I never even had a chance to nap! I made it back to my apartment around 10pm on Sunday and I went to bed soon after. I knew I would sleep well and for a long time but I thought I was ready to start a new week. I was wrong.
I woke up yesterday morning with no energy and no interest in doing anything but sleep. I
figured as long as I made it to cycle class at 6:30 I could be lazy. I never made it to class. I didn’t think I had the energy or the focus to get to the gym and give it my all. Instead, I showered and then spent much of the day asleep in bed or on the couch…tired, distracted and feeling like I could cry (but I didn’t). I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and I was asleep before 11.

Before I went to bed, I made a list of things I wanted to get done on Tuesday (including noon yoga) in an effort to motivate myself and not repeat Monday. It didn’t work. I had breakfast around 10. Napped, read, skipped yoga. Now I’m blogging. I still have no desire to do anything. I don’t really want to sleep but doing so allows me to hide from the world and time goes by faster. I’m still in this emotional funk that I can’t explain.

I have things to do. Things I need to get. The weather looks nice. I just…don’t care. And I don’t know what my problem is. I was great last week and fine this weekend; my circumstances haven’t changed a bit since. I don’t think I’m succumbing to the IT you’ve both spoken of, mostly because my anti-IT drugs have worked thus far and I’m still taking them and I know if I work PAST the bad, they do what they are supposed to do.

Perhaps it’s that my weekend was too much fun and I can’t handle the letdown of my empty everyday life? Maybe it’s because I have nothing planned in the near future, nothing to look forward to that I’m anxious to make the boring time pass quickly? Because I have no commitments that I think it’s okay to do nothing? Or is it because everyone I know works all day and has their life to deal with at night that I’m lonely? Could it be because I’ve figured out that if I don’t do anything I won’t be hungry so I don’t have to eat and feel guilty?

This feels like bizarre universe and I don’t like it one bit. If I could hit myself to knock me back into reality, I would. Alas, I’m going to go shower and see if I can get myself out the door to do…something.

Monday is Always Monday... Even Without a Job

Somehow I slept in until 1:30pm today. WTF?! Ran some errands... putzed at my computer... bought things I maybe shouldn't have, but they'll add to my happiness (new sheets!)... watched some tv... did some more crosswords and kenken puzzles...

Note that in that list of activities, there is no mention of applying to jobs. I don't know why I keep putting it off. It only puts off getting hired somewhere. Argh. And the odds of me getting much done on it in the next few days is slim to none. I'm headed out in a few minutes to pick up Jimmy from the airport, and he'll be here until Thursday morning. I'm going to try to fit some of it in... just because I'd feel too guilty going a whole week without doing something... but we'll see. Plus, Kevin gets back on Wednesday, so I'll be wanting to spend time with him too. I must find some time to set aside for the job search, and be really devoted and productive during that time.

I did, however, get a workout in this evening. A pilates DVD (what else?) and a sequence from Namaste Yoga. Mmmm... do my muscles and lungs feel good now. Oh, and I ordered the DVDs of Season 2 of Namaste Yoga. I'm a bit sad that there were only ever two seasons of it made. Then again, they're so amazing I can keep doing them over and over without finding them at all tedious or boring. So there's something to that.

Too lazy to come up with a title

Ok, I'm writing this while at work, granted on my lunch break, so I'm going to keep this short and hopefully I'll write more this afternoon when I get home from work. Sorry that I haven't been so good about the blog thing. I could come up with all the excuses in the world and none of them would suffice. I've had a bad couple of weeks with depression and am beginning to think that I'm succumbing to IT again. At the moment it's so hard to accomplish the littlest of tasks (ie taking a shower, actually doing something with my hair for work, blogging...). I don't feel like talking to anyone, I'm constantly crabby and crying and all I want to do is just curl up in a ball and sleep. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is if I don't go to work I'll lose my job and that would look bad on a resume.

Anyway, as a recap of last week I did end up going to the gym, once, and i felt good about it. I did about 30 min. on this half bike half elliptical machine thingy but i forgot that after two months of doing absolutely nothing and still having to walk with a cane that I should take it slow. It just frustrates me that I actually WANT to work out and I'm not able to do a whole lot. As for eating I did ok, my mom helped me with that, but I still splurged on pizza (ate the whole damn thing) and ice cream. Other than that all I do is go to work, come home, sit on the couch until it's time to go to bed and oh yeah eating most of that time.

Gwen, I completely understand and have also realized the connection between my dishes and my life. Does it ever make you crabbier having to look at the dirty dishes but you just dont' have the energy or desire to do anything about it?

On top of everything else Tom, aka lawyer boy- aka dumbass, called and is going through some rough times and he doesn't have anyone else to help him through it. So, after all he put me through I'm, once again, playing the good friend. I'm torn between helping him, because he really needs some help (depression and is currently on suicide watch) and letting him go. I'm definitely over him just not completely healed from the way he hurt me.

Anyway, I better get back to work. Ugh.

Turns Out Some Effort Is Better Than None

Stepped on the scale today. I wasn't expecting to see any change... I mean, I've been pretty half-hearted about my dedication to this whole getting healthy thing. I've been working out more days than not (though not by much), but am very on and off (ok, mostly off) with the healthy eating thing. I was suprised to see, though, that even half-hearted efforts have brought me down 5 pounds in the last couple weeks. Yay! I'd still like to give better to myself... but it was kinda nice to find out that my beginnings of effort lately have made a difference, versus my complete lack of effort a couple months ago.

Today: worked out. Ellen Barrett DVD. I know, I'm a little obsessed. And I'm ok with that.

Job progress: none. Other productive activites: none. Did some crossword and kenken puzzles. Watched a bunch of TV. Oh, and slept in way too late. Again.

So... better than nothing, but not by much.

Tomorrow: Target trip, finishing my taxes (oh, procrastination), focus on job searching and APPLYING, and picking up Jimmy at the airport at like 10pm. If I just try, I know I can do it all.

Easy Saturday In Gray

As forecasted, it's gray and rainy today. I'm actually a little happy about it - it's encouraging me to stay in here and get this place a little cleaned up. Kelly will be home late tonight, and doesn't need to see the mess I make when I'm alone. I slept a full eight hours last night (albeit 4am-noon, and on the couch) and woke up feeling rested and ready for a new day. I noticed last night that even if Kelly wasn't coming home from Antigua (and she is actually trying to get her flight delayed a day or two... hehe) I still wanted to clean this place up today. It was a feeling deep in my bones. Odd, really, but good.

I have also had an important realization. How I handle my dishes is a strong indicator of my mental/emotional state. There is a strong correllation between how readily I wash them, and how much time I spend on the couch basically disappearing from the world. If I'm keeping up with them, I'm feeling fine and able to keep up with at least my basic responsibilities. If I'm letting them pile up in the sink, and onto the counters, and overwhelm the kitchen... I'm not OK. That's what's been going on this week. Almost all the dishes I own are dirty right now. And all week I've been spending a lot of time in pajamas, lazy side overriding logic, on the couch. (BTW - I'm not talking causation here. Just that the correllation is strong.) This extends to how I care (or don't) for other areas of my house: vaccuuming, litter boxes, laundry... But the dishes are the first one to stop (or start).

A couple years ago, I read an article by one of my favorite writers, Laura Didyk. It was called "How Doing Dishes Saved My Life" (can be found on Kripalu.org under Off the Mat columns in their library). I felt connected to it at the time, but am now realizing just why it resonated so deeply in me.

What I'm finding most interesting is that the correllation is so clear both ways. Most of this week I've felt like I'm struggling - and I haven't been doing my dishes. But today I feel good. I want to work out, I want to clean the apt, I want to apply for jobs, finish my taxes, do some crosswords and kenken puzzles (sudoku-like and addictive!)... and yes, I want to do my dishes. Strange how obvious it is.

And it could be helpful in the future. If I catch myself not doing them daily, I know I'm coming into a bad place. And just maybe I will be able to do something to pull myself out before it takes me over. I'll keep you posted.

For now, the kitchen is calling me and I'm off to answer it. Happy Saturday!

Why Do I Do Things That Make No Sense?

It's a second beautiful day in a row. I know that rain is coming tonight, and that this is the warmest it will be for a week. Yet it's 3pm and I'm still inside, still in my pajamas. I didn't even go to sleep until like 6:30am... woke up about 1pm. What is my deal? I love when it's nice out... I crave it and can't wait for these days to come... and the last handful of beautiful days, I've spent indoors, either sleeping or watching tv. Sure, I open the windows... but come on. What the hell is my problem? Why can't/don't (not sure which it is) I get up, get dressed, and go outside?! Argh. This is where I really struggle with myself... I mean, honestly. I'm not an idiot, and I generally try to be a rational, reasonable person. So why would I deny myself something that is not only pleasurable, but healthy?

I'm hoping that by writing this, I will push myself over the edge and just get off my ass.

Small bright spots in the last couple days: I have been doing my pilates dvds, and some yoga. And I did buy yummy and healthy salad stuff, fruits, and only "healthy" packaged frozen foods (Lean Cuisines, Smart Ones, etc.) Granted, I question the healthfulness of those almost every time I open one... I mean, low-cal and low-fat does not actually mean healthy.... it just means less unhealthy than other options. But still. Until I get myself making food from scratch more regularly (and let's face it, my lazy side is not always a fan of that) these aren't a terrible option, I suppose. And even the desserts and snacks I currently have in the house are all reasonably pre-portioned, low-cal, and easy.

News tidbits: my cousin Jimmy is coming to visit next week, for a few days. It'll be fun to see him and have some reason to get out and about. And my dear friend KZ just got laid off... which means I might actually get to see her soon! Heh. The girl needed a break... and wasn't entirely happy with her job... so it's kind of a blessing for her right now. And since there aren't going to be any good job prospects in her field anytime soon (interior design), she can kind of just take a break for awhile and focus on finishing her degree and taking care of her garden. The flip side of that, I'm counting down to the end of unemployment eligibility, and hoping that my efforts get me somewhere. This weekend, I'm probably even applying for a part-time job (WTF?!) because it's at an organization I like and would enjoy a future with.

Alright... off to do something. I hope.

Breathing Deeply

So... apparently I didn't give up entirely. I was again lying on the couch - this time watching American Idol - and my body just needed to move. There was no escaping the feeling. But I really wasn't feeling like much of a workout.

And then it occurred to me. Where did yoga go? I've loved it since I was first introduced to it. But I hadn't actually practiced for months. Months! Sure, there have been some yoga moves in the pilates dvds... but not the kind of yoga that feels, well, amazing inside and out. So I put in my dvd and did two sequences from my favorite: Namaste Yoga. I picked the two I used to do more than any others... easy, good stretch, muscle strenthening, hip opening (because my hips are the least flexible hips EVER), and very meditative, and simultaneously soothing and invigorating to my soul. Seriously.

Now I am breathing fully and deeply, feel more aware, more secure. I am reminded that yoga is not just physical exercise... it's an integral part of spirituality for me. Why I let it go, I can't explain. But I'm back. Fully committed again. I can't expect my willpower to hold out and carry me through this journey of building better life habits unless I continually work to strengthen my willpower and my reason for wanting better.

This is what I was missing. This is what will help me get beyond a bad day on the couch. And this is what will keep me moving.

I've Given Up... But Just For Today

Woke up early... went to Starbucks and Target before my appt. After it I hit up two grocery stores, and did very well for myself. Lots of Lean Cuisine's (yay for coupons and store sales combined) and fruits and veggies.

But then I came home. Instead of eating any of the healthy stuff I just bought, I chose the leftover Pad Thai in my fridge. Then instead of going for a walk, I chose the couch and the warm blanket mom gave me for christmas. And instead of finishing job apps, or working out to one of Ellen Barrett's fabulous ass-kicking dvds, I chose to nap. A long nap. Which means I'll probably be up late again, make food in the middle of the freaking night, and perhaps sleep in too late.

Then again, tomorrow's a new day. And I will TRY. Try to accomplish the things I missed today. And try to get out of my own way. I have to try.

My weekend begins! Wait...it's always the weekend for me.

Hello ladies,

This will probably be my last post until Sunday or Monday. I'll be up north and while I can use the CrackBerry, I'm not sure I feel like typing that much on the little keys! However, I'll try to check in at least once.

Yesterday and today are markedly better than Monday and the days previous. I set my alarm for 8 yesterday and woke up at 7:59. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep but I wouldn't let myself. I made the bed and had breakfast and allowed myself a little time to veg on the couch as long as I stayed awake. I actually ended up doing some long-procrastinated filing and junk mail sorting and I like that my desk is all clean. I went to noon yoga and had a great workout. After lunch I did a little job searching and applied for one. I had a quick get-ready and went to Second Harvest food shelf to volunteer for a couple hours with other Twin Cities Badger alums. Sadly, no Badger boyfriend material in the bunch but I did get another unexpected workout...moving boxes, opening cases of cans, stacking products...I broke a sweat and used my muscles. I watched tv after I got home and went to bed around 11 but didn't fall asleep until 1. Very annoying.

Managed to get up at 8 again today...I wanted to get to the gym before I go to my parents house early this afternoon. I did an hour long weight class (omg) and hit the whirlpool after. I showered at the gym too, so I didn't have to when I got home. I find I linger less at the gym. Since I've been home I've been trying to clean up so that I can come back to a spotless apartment on Sunday. Not much left to do and only a few things left to pack. I'm going to do some laundry at the folks before my mom gets home and we head out around 4:30.

Tomorrow I'm guessing I will start working on stripping the kitchen cabinets at the lake with my mom. Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner and to the movies with my cousin Stephanie (she's 16). Friday will be more work; Friday night I'm going to the bar for drinks with my friend Melissa (our moms went to high school together and her parents still live in town; she is going up with hubby and kids for Easter). Saturday...more kitchen work and Sunday morning is Easter brunch with the fam...parents, me, two aunts, one uncle and five cousins (ranging in age 3 to 19). Easter basket hunt starts at 10 for all the kids, including me. Mine will probably have scratch off lotto tickets instead of toys. :)

That's about all I have to share. My life is kind of boring. The job I applied for yesterday looks very promising but I only found the one. Not much else out there for me right now. I will look again next week. And remind me! Make sure I do it!

Have great weekends!!
k.

Three for Five

Most of today was lazy and pathetic on the couch again. And I wondered why I constantly make choices I know are stupid, that fly in the face of everything I want for myself, that make no sense, and that are infuriatingly lazy.

I woke up from yet another couch nap just in time for Oprah. Today it was about healthy aging, and the "Blue Zones" of the world where people live the longest. The common keys to their lifestyles were so seemingly simple: healthy (mostly plant-based) diet, regular exercise integrated into daily activities, frequent and loving social contact, and having a purpose in life. Making all these things into rituals and regular parts of daily life... that's what it takes to live a long life and feel good about it.

I'm 28 now. If I don't push myself to create good habits now, when will I get around to it? If I don't take advantage of my youth... and put rituals into my life that will lead toward longetivity, health and happiness... what's the point? Right now, most of my habits are about disappearing... no, not like dying or something... but my regular behaviors involve being alone or blending in, for the most part. What good is that? Definitely something to consider further.

And it was the kick in the pants I needed today. Got off my ass and went for a walk - despite the cold. I even tried jogging for a bit of it... but that lasted all of a few minutes. I think I breathe wrong or something... I don't know what it is, but I clearly do something wrong when I change from walking at a good pace to jogging, because I get winded so quickly and my throat and nose get dry and cold. Very odd.

Anyway, good walk. Check. Pilates/yoga dvd when I got home. Check. And I made a haircut appt during Oprah - for next Tuesday morning. I've told myself that if I skip any days of working out between now and Monday, I have to cancel it. I did not finish the job applications I've already started. What's the deal on that? They're so close... just need to type in the changes and send. Stupid. And I didn't do any Office tutorials, but I did toy with Outlook's calendar functions for a bit.

Tomorrow:
1) Walk 45ish minutes
2) Pilates/yoga dvd
3) Finish those apps! And send them!
4) Hit up the grocery store for delicious salad fixin' stuff.

And I know I won't sleep in too late... 'cause I've got an appt at 11am.

And tomorrow, I'll try to actually follow through on that "less rambling" thing I said yesterday. Heh.

Monday, Monday, Monday... Ugh.

I'm really wondering why my natural tendency is toward laziness. And not just some procrastination and sitting around a bit too much... I mean all-out, full-couch-flop, tv-on-nearly-48-hours-straight type of laziness. Um, yeah. I can get myself to have a good day - making job search effort, cleaning, working out, being social... and then it's like for the next couple of days I can't muster the will to get off my ass. It's not a matter of energy or not feeling up to it. I mean, when I work out I have noticeably more energy, and my body feels a LOT better.

I even made a list today of the things I'd like to accomplish - and I spread it out over the whole week. So there's just little things each day... and even unimportant, leisurely, fun things are on the list. Yet somehow, the few minor things I'd asked myself to do today... remain undone. I tried to make myself work out today... I lasted all of ten minutes. Then I ordered pizza for dinner and proceeded to eat 3/4 of it. A large chicken broccoli alfredo pizza. At least I talked myself out of the side of fries I was craving. But FIVE hours later, I'm still ridiculously full. I suppose all the water I'm drinking contributes to that... but still.

It's like I'm becoming all the things I always criticized my parents for. God, soon I'll be sitting on the couch with a five quart pail of ice cream and a spoon, shushing people for talking during my tv shows. Napping in front of the tv, waking only to complain if someone changed the channel or was too loud. Oh, and let's not forget the constant sitting... and snacking... and general building an oversized self. Ugh.

I refuse to let that be me.

Bright note: the earphones that Kevin bought me arrived today - much more comfortable than the ones that come with the iPod, and stay in my ears better too. And he called me tonight. He's having a good time... hiking in the desert... hanging in hotel hot tubs and drinking... just enjoying some new scenery. I have to admit, though, that with both him and Kelly away, I feel like I'm on sort of a mini-vacation myself. Everything is just so much more relaxed than usual, because there's really no one else to even think about.

Oh, another interesting tidbit: Jimmy called me last night. Apparently he'll be headed out soon on a ship again for a six month tour of the world, primarily humanitarian relief stuff this time. And he's hoping to come visit me for a couple days next week. It'd be cool to see him. It's been years.

Alright, the most important goals for tomorrow:
1) 45-60 min. walk outdoors (with shuffle and new earphones!)
2) Pilates/yoga combo dvd
3) Finish and submit the 3 job apps I've started
4) Complete 2 online tutorials for MS Office
5) Make appt. for a haircut

I think I'm going to try to limit my posts this week. Still each day - probably twice a day. But shorter than they've been. Skipping the self-analysis and rambling... focusing instead on action. List of important goals for the day, and report on my efforts. I want to see if this helps me focus my energy as well. Instead of overthinking and dwelling on stuff, I'm hoping to just DO things more readily. I want to create some new patterns for myself, because the old ones are pathetic.

Monday = Frustrating Day!

Monday started off well and had some good moments but the two things on my agenda, the two things I had to do but was looking forward to doing ended up being a little aggravating!

A college friend and I have been going back and forth for a couple months about getting together for beers. Last week he told me that he had today off. I emailed on Thursday about picking a time and place. He never replied. So, I figured we weren't meeting up. I got up 9, did some stuff around the house, read...didn't shower or anything, no rush...except he calls at 11:30 wanting to meet at 12:30 at a place that's at least a 20 minute drive for me. He mentioned dinner instead but I had a date with cycle class so I said I'd haul ass and meet him anyway. It turned out okay but it was annoying to have to get ready that fast.

Anyway, after lunch I came home, did some clean up and took the sheets and towels to the laundromat (hence previous post and the creepy talking lady). Came home, put away clean stuff, watched some tv, made some phone calls and left to go to the gym.

The summer fitness class schedule starts today and cycle class was moved 1/2 hour, from 6 to 6:30. I was a little paranoid that someone somewhere wouldn't get the message so I confirmed every which way I could; I even called the group fitness director who confirmed 6:30 start. Except...when I walked into the cycle room at 6:15 CLASS WAS ALREADY GOING. Apparently, instructor Tim really didn't get the message. And fitness director was teaching a class so I couldn't let him know about the mix-up either. Ugh. Is it really that hard to let instructors know about schedule changes? Apparently yes. I'm not really mad but it is my fav cardio (well, only cardio) workout for the week and I still want to find away to confirm it doesn't happen next week. I thought I had the director's email address but I don't...might have to track him down tomorrow when I go to yoga. Ugh. Again.

Now I'm home. Consoling myself with tortilla chips and NCIS reruns because Michael Weatherly always makes me feel better. I should probably work out but...I've lost my motivation now. I haven't done any exercise since Yoga on Thursday.

Friday was a disaster. I'd taken Tylenol with Codeine around 4 when I woke up with a toothache. I was still feeling some side effects over 12 hours later. Nothing bad, just a general overall body lightness and total lack of energy. So, I accomplished nothing.

Saturday I was up by 9 and at noon went to my brother's. He wanted me to let his dog out while he was gone all day but his roommates were home (something he didn't check) so I was not needed. I ended up hanging out over there and had a couple beers with them. Random but an enjoyable afternoon. On the way home, I stopped at Target for some items and found Top Gun on dvd for $7.50. I was halfway through it (and had made significant progress on the puzzle I'd started last week) when my friend Rachel texted me, looking for a partner in crime for a night out. We went to Bonfire on Grand Avenue for the dueling pianos and, when we'd gotten sufficiently toasted and obnoxious, we went to the Wild Onion to dance. We just forgot that we actually hate that place. It's filled (and I mean that literally; you can hardly move) with college kids and some of them are pretty skeevy. Alas, I was home by 2:30 and asleep by 3:30 but I still got up at 9.

I just didn't stay up for long. I napped off and on and stayed in my pjs ALL day. I wasn't hungover just...bored. So, thing productive done yesterday either.

Which brings us to today. I'm going to go back to my chips and salsa and try to work up the groove to do something exercise related at 8.

Wish me luck!

Alive!

Yes, I'm alive. Sorry I've been such a bad blogging friend lately. I started a post on Friday but didn't finish. I was actually mildly and spontaneously busy on Saturday and was recovering from a night out most of yesterday. I promise a longer post later!

I'm currently at the laundrymat...laundromat? Not sure. But its 2 blocks from the apt and while it costs more than the apt facilities, its easier to do big loads, like sheets and towels. I'm taking my clothes up north though to wash at parents/cabin. But no sense in bringing a ton up with me.

This place is surprisingly un-skanky for a laundry place though there is this weird lady who kept talking to herself (me?) about her stuff in the dryer that wasn't dry. Was creepy. Thankgoodness for ipod!

TBC later today...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Mixed Weekend

I was a little proud of myself on Saturday. I kept myself busy, got some things done, and spent my downtime having dinner on the waterfront with Courtenay. Did errands (walking all over Allston), hit up the library, cleaned up the house a bit, prepped resume and cover letters for a few more publishing-related jobs, did some laundry, worked out, read a bit... and then went out. :-)

Today, however, has been a very different story. Why do I feel like I'm somehow on an every-other-day schedule? Odd. And irritating. Slept in late (despite not being up THAT late). And even knowing that today was by far the nicest day in the forecast for the next week, I spent all day in my apartment, lazing on the couch and watching tv, napping with the cat, reading a book... basically doing nothing. (Side note: have you seen TLC's show about women who didn't know they were pregnant and then give birth? It's kind of freaky.) At one point in the evening I did get up and change my comfy pants for jeans... but then decided to order chinese instead of going somewhere to get food.

Now, for no good reason, it's after 3am and I'm still wide awake. Well, it's probably because I expended almost NO energy today. I'm debating with myself over whether to try to sleep soon. Because I run the risk of sleeping way late again... and setting an ugly pattern for myself. If I just stay up, I'll be exhausted... and let's face it, with nothing to keep me busy, I'll probably nap half of Monday away. Ideally, I'd like to go to bed now and make myself get up at like 7 or 8. Just not sure that's realistic.

Anyway, I'm off to either try to sleep or plan out some things to do this week. Or watch some awful middle of the night television. Ergh.

Hope you ladies are well! Happy new week to you!

And My Week "Alone" Begins...

Kevin left for the west coast this morning. He'll be gone until the 15th. Kelly (roommate) leaves for Antigua super early tomorrow morning and will be gone all week. So I've got the house to myself (and the cats... let's not forget the cats) but nothing really to get out and do either. My friends here all have jobs and the weather for almost the entire next week is rain and suckiness. I can definitely see myself doing a lot of pilates and yoga though. And some job searching stuff. And, hey, maybe I'll find something fun to throw in there.

Today: woke up at 5am. Yes, you read that correctly. I drove Kevin and Nate to the airport. Came home and was a little wired from my coffee, so I sat down to work on my cover letters. Made some good progress until I realized I was starving. Made breakfast, sat down in front of the Today show.... and zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I spent a long long long chunk of the day asleep on the couch. Got up around 3pm. Worked a little more on cover letters and sent off two of the applications. Done and submitted. Finally. (The third one I scrapped because after reading more about the company, I realized it wouldn't be good there at all.) Watched a bit more tv this evening... Ghost Whisperer and/or Dollhouse anyone? Ha. Both cheesy... but I like them for some reason.

I never felt motivated to do any pilates or yoga today. My muscles are still sore from Ellen's ass-kicking yesterday. A good sore, but enough that I didn't want to strain anything. And my feeling tired flowed nicely into that logic. Heh. And the thunderstorm, while I love that sound, does not entice me to go for a walk.

Tomorrow's got some possibility. Both for a nice enough portion of the day for a walk, some good pilates/yoga time, and maybe some job apps. But if I get to the job apps on Sunday, I'll feel good with that, too. Hopefully I'm having dinner with my dear Courtenay tomorrow as well. She's a fabulous friend here who I don't see nearly enough.

To Ana: about your comment that Krissie and I write a lot here... keep in mind you're dealing with two people who think too much and have nothing to occupy our time. Hehe. It's not about how much is written, or even how often for that matter... just getting on here and writing a few comments about where you're at, wherever that is, and what kind of kick in the pants you might need... I'm finding it's helpful.

Betty Crocker is (almost) back, biatches!

See, I made coffee this afternoon. But having good, straight up coffee (not a latte or anything) always makes me long for donuts or coffee cake. Pretty sure I was a cop in another life. Thus, I got the urge so I made some cinnamon streusel muffins. They were...are pretty tasty. Not perfect; my Betty skills need some refreshing but this was good practice. Besides, the fact that I had all the ingredients on hand goes a long way to making me happy.

Anyway, taking a trip in the way-back machine to this morning...

I was up and OUT OF BED at 9. I had my eggos and smoothie and sat on the couch with my book. I really thought about going back to bed but I knew I wanted to make it to noon yoga. So, around 10:30 I did some chores and got ready and went to class. It is only an hour on Thursdays but it was plenty, esp after last night.

After class, I found the library. Got my card and some stuff. Four CDs--two Frank Sinatra, one Louis Armstrong and one Billie Holliday (thanks to my latest obessesion with jazz). A book too--Under the Banner of Heaven. I own a copy but I loaned it to someone when we were friends last year but we aren't friends anymore because she is a psycho self-centered moron and it's not worth dealing with her to get it back.

(Side note: Ana knows this person but for Gwen's sake...this girl thought she was bi for awhile but broke up with her girlfriend to be with this guy who she'd been stringing along as a "friend." He is totally in love with her and refuses to see any of her faults. Bottom line, I'm no longer friends with either of them. But the best part? Her bi-ex-gf decided to prostitute herself out on Craigslist and got preggers! Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up.)

After library, I went to the post office (stamps) and Jimmy Johns (lunch). They are right by each other and it was nice, albeit brief and windy, stroll across the parking lot between the two.

I at my sandwich at home and laid down on the couch after...tired...but I was so cold! So I took a hot bath and made the coffee. Which brings me to the beginning of the post and the muffins. :)

Yes, more gym clothes is a must for me. When you have to wash out one of your two sports bras and two of your four pairs of workout capris in your kitchen sink so you can keep going to the gym without doing an entire load of laundry...you need more stuff. In my defense, I have worked out five days in a row this week. Since I only re-wear bras (never shorts, pants, tees or tanks) you can see my problem. I think another bra and pair of capris should do it. However, I'm not investing in another pair of padded cycling shorts because I only go to spinning once a week. I prefer the underwire sports bras (necessary when you are, um, well endowed) but Target and most department stores don't sell them. It requires a trip to a running store or the like. It's on the list to look for whenever Ana and I make our trip for new shoes. Maybe this weekend? Hint hint A...I promise not to spontaneously go out of town for the whole weekend this time!

As for my mom...it's a strange relationship. We do things together...dinner, gym occassionally, shop. But it's still very much a mother-daughter relationship. We don't talk about guys or shop for clothes. Instead we talk about the family and general things. I have a friend who wants her mom in the delivery room when she gives birth. Umm...ewww. No thanks. My mom and I will never be like that. NEVER.We aren't friends. That would be awkward because she's my mom.

In the spirit of our discussion on volunteering, I've signed up to do some. It's two hours next Tuesday night sorting food donated to the food bank. It's a UW alumni thing but I'm going by myself (read: I'm not going with a friend although it's possible I'll know someone there). I'm headed up north on Wednesday for Easter weekend and to help my mom work on refinishing her kitchen cabinets (for pay, of course). I'm letting you in advance that I'll try to blog via email but I can't promise I'll have anything awesome to report.

Alas, I've reached the point of the day where I'm bored. I've done all the things I planned to and have no other pressing obligations or places to go. Gwen, I wish we lived in the same place! We could play games or something lame that's free, you know? In the meantime, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't play a game with myself. Oops. "That's what she said." Anyone have suggestions? I mean, if I don't come up with anything, I might actually watch the final episode of ER which would suck. Though it might be worth it just to make sure it is well and truly dies, you know?

For reals, guys. I'm bored!

k.

PS-Gwen, I will be on your butt tomorrow about those job apps. I will txt you and email you and blog you and call you until you hate me!!!!

Body Feeling Good

Ellen Barrett has kicked my ass, again. Different DVD this time - Self Magazine's Bikini Ready Fast. Oh, man. Could definitely not do all the reps of everything, especially with weights in my hands, but kept pushing and was able to do most of it, including the "bonus" ab workout. Oh, and I also did Sara Ivanhoe's 20-Minute Yoga Makeover: Weight Loss. And she killed me too. I love how my body feels today. I might get a bit sore... Ellen definitely worked some muscles that have been, um, dormant to say the least.

Went for a walk... but a bit shorter than planned. The Boston weather forecasters were somehow wrong again. Grrr. The sun never materialized over the city, so the temps never got up where they were supposed to be. It's warm enough... but not lovely.

The down side of my day? With no adequate or rational explanation from myself... and really, no silly explanation either, because there just is no excuse... I have once again NOT worked on my job apps. This means that for all my excitement on Monday over finding three EdAsst positions open, and preparing my resume, I have still not applied. Again, I am asking myself WTF?!

At the same time, I know I could do it right now. But Kevin's headed off in the morning for a two-week "man-trip" to the west coast. So instead of doing the apps, I'm going over there to hang out. Hmm... Not the most productive behavior. But I am saying right now... as out loud as a blog can get: I WILL COMPLETE AND SUBMIT THEM ON FRIDAY! I am going to Kevin's on that condition. So there, me. Take that.

On another note - Krissie, I also need more gym clothes! Sports bras, especially. I have one! How did that happen? Oh, and I'm making plans for when I WILL join the YMCA. No more excuses on that front either. As soon as my financial rearrangement all goes through, I will join. I will go to classses. I will learn how to use the machines in the gym.

BTW - I think it's awesome that you can hang out with your mom and do stuff... including go to the gym together. My mom would never. In fact, hanging out one on one with her is nearly impossible, and if it happens it's either me rambling on and on, or silence. God, I'm glad I'll have Kevin with me when I visit this summer. And that she'll be preoccupied with her new grandchild. Heh.

Anyway, I'm using long-distance telepathy to send you girls my love and encouragement in whatever you're hoping to accomplish today! TTFN!

I need more gym clothes. And new shoes!

Hmmm. My Wednesday was not very exciting.

I remember waking up around 5--with a full bladder and empty stomach. After taking care of both, I went back to sleep. I woke up a few more times before actually getting up for brunch at noon. After that...I think I went back to sleep. I got up (and stayed up) around 2ish. Made a smoothie, had some chips and salsa, took a shower.

My dad's out of town this week and when he's gone I usually end up doing something with my mom. Tonight I took her to an hour long strength training class at my gym. It's a full-body/nearly every muscle group workout with weights, stability ball, exercise bands...lots of stuff. I've learned I'm one of those people who goes "all-out" at a gym class; if I made the effort to be there, I may as well take advantage and kick my own ass. Anyway, the positive consequence is a killer workout. The negative consequence is really, really sweaty gym clothes. Seriously. When I changed into my regular bra and clean (dry!) t-shirt...I think my workout shirt could have rivaled a guy's. And I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Fingers crossed my muscles can handle noon yoga.

After gym, my mom took me out to dinner. I heart Mongolian barbecue. I'm sure it's not the healthiest but since I can build my own meal with the meat and veggies, at least I have some control. I stopped at Caribou on my way home for a latte mostly because I was freezing (the other workout consequence). But since I rarely drink coffee anymore and it was nearly 9, I opted for decaf. I know...me? Order decaf? I don't think I've ever done that before. Ever.

I got home in time to watch the season premiere of Reno 911 (hilar) and the Daily Show. Jon Stewart's guest tonight gave me more hard evidence that I'm a nerd. I mean, I don't know too many other people watching who would know who Peter Orszag is or what OMB is before the show. Sadly, I did and even sadder, I was really excited to see him.

Alas, despite my many hours of sleep, workout kicked my butt and I'm exhausto. Tomorrow's plans include yoga and the library. I did all the things I wanted to on Tuesday (pork chops, job search, request unemployment) so I'm kind of out of pressing agenda items. I should have the new James Bond via Netflix by the weekend though. Woot!

Took Me All Day...

To do ONE of the things on my list. I was so close to not doing any of them. I don't really know what I was thinking. And the thing is, it wasn't the feeling overwhelmed and zoning out of the world until the day disappears thing - like is has so many times in the past. Today it was very conscious. A deliberate choice to sit my ass on the couch with a blanket and catch up on what the DVR had recorded the last few days. WTF?!

I had a desire to get up and work out. I knew I needed to. I knew how good it would feel. I knew I didn't want to have to post that I did nothing today. Heh. One of the shows I watched was last night's Biggest Loser - and one of the contestants now weighs less than I do. And there's still eight people on it! That felt like a kick in the pants for me. Except... for no rational reason, I chose to continue with my ass planted through another couple hours of shows. And while I was sitting there, I was just like, why am I here? Why am I not working out? I want to. I need to. I am able to. What is stopping me. And the answer is so simple its infuriating: I just wasn't doing what I needed/wanted to do. Straight up lazy. God, I frustrate myself sometimes.

Finally, though, I was just fed up with my inner monologue, and trying to silence it. I hadn't showered yet because I was putting it off till after my workout. But before I go to Kevin's for LOST, a shower would be needed. So finally at 7pm I pulled myself up, lit some candles, rolled out my mat and put in the freaking DVD. And it kicked my ass. And I sweated up a storm. And my muscles shook. And now, after a shower, I feel good.

What was I putting off? Feeling like I can do what I need and want to do? That's ridiculous behavior. I want to remember how baffling and aggravated I am with that side of me that stayed on the couch so long today. Because there's no point in doing anything that side of me wants to do. That is the side that doesn't want good things for me... and you know what? I don't want it anymore.

Anyway, didn't do the walk or job stuff I said I would do today. But I will try again tomorrow. And it will not take me until it's dark outside to move my ass. As of now, all three intentions for tomorrow are the same as I posted for today. Walk, pilates/yoga dvd, and cover letters done. I'm calling myself out here. It's good that today I felt like my actions were entirely deliberate, and my own choice. But I made the wrong choice for too many hours.

Reassessing... BOO to the Clouds that came early!

Heh, my excuse for not going to the gym is that I don't have a gym membership. :-P

I know, however, that I should get one. The YMCA near my old house is nice, and they have a bunch of good yoga classes at good times, other interesting classes I could try, and rather long hours for the gym in general. It's on my list of things to do. I've never worked out in a gym though. Seriously. Since gym class in school, I've almost never done any exercise when another person was around. Hmm... I need to get over myself there.

Anyway, today's walk is now up in the air... because it's colder than they forcasted since the clouds rolled in way early. Boo!! Boo, I say! I may still go... but I may decide to just do a longer DVD. But I'm still committed to some kind of workout and getting those EdAsst apps finished!

For now, breakfast and therapy at 11. Gotta love the Wednesday.