Jump off!

Well, with 4 full days under my belt, I think I can confidently say that having my plan and all my reasons for doing this REALLY help. It's still not easy but when I need a little push, I recall Tony Robbins' words in my head or I txt or email Nick. He's been fab so far. A little preachy but nothing I can't handle.

And the best part? I'm seeing results! 4 pounds down in the first 4 days! I know it sounds like too much but I swear I am eating and I'm certain it will taper off. Nick suggested these body cleanse pills (I know, sounds sketchy, but they really are just fiber and vegetable stuff) and although he swears they will make me, um, GO more as part of the "cleansing process" I haven't seen a change. I've been eating LOTS more fruits and veggies and have def noticed that I'm not fake-hungry as often. I'm full up and don't have the desire to snack. I think that has made the biggest difference. I've also been sticking to my 20 minutes a day of some kind of physical activity. In a few weeks I'll add more time but I need to get in the habit, learn to love it and how much better I feel when I do it everyday.

I haven't gotten hardcore into the L.A. Weight Loss food plan stuff Nick gave me quite yet. I feel like since I jumped in this on Saturday with both feet, it's smart to take baby steps. I wanted to get the right foods in my house and make good steps towards major changes in my diet. Gradually cut back on things I need to lessen rather than go cold turkey. So far so good. Except I did have a few too many potato chips last night. I wasn't at home but I realized quickly why I've chosen not to keep them at my home in the first place...I can't eat just one! And yet, one set back does not a failure make. I'm not going to be perfect.

Right now I'm getting ready to head to the lake for the long weekend. Fran and Greg are coming up too. I'm a little nervous at the temptations I'll face over the next few days but if I stay busy enough, I won't think about the food. I'm bringing what's left of my farmer's market pull with me so I won't have any excuses about not eating fruits and veggies!

Gwen...did you make a plan? How did it go? Were you able to find a few small and easy steps to do, right away, that got you going?

Have great Memorial Day weekends all!

I, Too, Need A Plan

Krissie - HUG! I'm so glad you've been able to find a good headspace and make concrete steps toward feeling better! How's the jump-off been in the first couple days? I think you're right... specific actions need to be outlined, help and support needs to be enlisted, and some small but noticeable step needs to be taken... just to get things moving. I'm not there... but reading your post made me want to sit down and make a plan. And get specific with myself. And get my own inner crap out of my way.

Little pieces here and there feel like they've got some positive push building up behind them, just waiting for me to take a first step and move on it. Of course, so far, instead of action I just seem to stall out. So I'm formulating ideas, and tomorrow morning (because step one is getting my ass up in the morning) I will write down some specific goals and steps toward them. And then DO a first step toward each of them.

Much better head space...

Greetings bloggers!

While I agree with Gwen's suggestion about making our posts shorter and more goal focused, I feel like I owe you both an explanation for my absence. And, odds are, it'll be longer rather than shorter. However, I promise that moving forward, I will be more "to the point" and after the progress I've made in the last few days, it'll be a hell of a lot easier too.

So, a week ago Thursday I went to the lake. It was supposed to be for the weekend...my brother was coming and, as usual, I planned to spend time with the fam up there. Somehow though, my weekend turned into a week long stay. It wasn't all bad--I golfed with my aunt and uncle and walked all 9 holes. I got some quality ME time and got a few more chapters read in my crazy Mormon book. Those things aside, the honest reason I stayed was to escape my everyday life. Sure, I was still doing next to nothing but I wasn't doing it at home, so it didn't count! Ha! I paid my bills, renewed a library book and requested my unemployment benefits from the BlackBerry but other than that, I accomplished nothing because, according to my crazy logic, I didn't have to because I wasn't at home and I didn't need to be at home because there was nothing requiring my attention. In short, my mental state wasn't at it's best and it'd be a downhill slide leading up to my week at the lake.

Why? I don't know. Frustration with the job search. With my exercise (or lack thereof). With my complete disinterest in most things except sleeping and television. I didn't even want to eat. Put it this way...if I didn't know that buliema was so bad for me and my teeth (which I've already invested a lot of $$ in) I would throw up after I ate, so I didn't have to feel bad about it! Ugh! Anyway, when I did eat, when I didn't exercise, when I slept a lot...whenever I didn't do what I was "supposed" to do, I just felt guilty. I'm the Queen of Guilt on a regular basis but I was letting it take over. Staying at the lake was my way of avoiding having to feel bad about my actions because when I'm up there, nothing counts.
Clearly that's the wrong attitude and that realization hit me hard Thursday night this week when I came home.

A couple weeks ago I was reading some of my motivation/self-help books and while they are helpful, they don't capture my attention for very long. So I thought I'd find some audio sessions. I know, I know...motivation speakers = corny but it I figured it couldn't hurt. Anyway, I rememberd some Tony Robbins my brother had left on the computer before I bought it a few years ago. I add them to my ipod with the intention of listening to them. Someday. Turns out, someday was on the drive home Thursday afternoon.

To my complete and utter surprise, I found I really enjoyed what Tony Robbins had to say! His ideas, his take on why we fail to achieve, his approach to getting what we want...I was sold. I was excited to get home and do the things he advised. Then I hit rush hour traffic in the Cities, got stressed and did nothing when I got home. And, big shocker, guilt hit hard. I tried to talk to my mom about it but it just made me more upset...I burst into tears after I managed to get her off the phone! I don't know if I'd say it was rock bottom but I was pretty down there and I knew I had to do something.

On Friday I made a fresh start. I put on Tony Robbins again, while sitting at home. I took notes and outlined my plan like he described. One of the things he stresses is that you should never leave a goal setting session without doing at least one thing to achieve it. Part of the exercise then is to outline couple initial big and little actions that you could do immediately and in the near future. Guess what...it worked!

I did the little things first and suddenly I had momentum to do the big thing on my list. By the end of the day, I'd done them all!

Some specifics...my goal is to lose weight. I have to do it. For my physical health and my mental health. One of my "little actions" which turned into a big action, was to find an appropriate peer group. One of the things Tony talks about is that you need to surround yourself with people that are already at the level you want to reach. As in, if you were going to learn tennis, you should play against someone better than you because you won't learn from someone who knows less than you. I decided that I really, really need a coach for my project. Since I can't afford a real one, I thought about all the people I know who are living the fit and healthy life I want to live and I think I found the perfect person to guide me...my brother. He is in great shape. I know it's taken him awhile to get where he wants to be but he's still working at it and he's had TREMENDOUS success. Trust me; the before and after pictures of his recent efforts alone are amazing. Luckily, he didn't have plans last night so we met for dinner and worked out a way to make this happen. It will actually be good for both of us--I need a coach and he needs practice being one. This is something he wants to do but he sometimes is a little to harsh, too preachy and I can help him with that.

Anyway, after our planning session last night, I felt really renewed in my efforts. Even though I didn't get up as early as I hoped today, I still did all the things we discussed, including a good brunch, 30 minutes of yoga and an email update to Nick. He even called me because he hadn't gotten it by the time he thought he should. After I sent it, he sent back a FABULOUS reply; so supportive and positive...I was stunned but it made me feel great.

Anyway, I've managed to find a much better head space and I'm really excited about it. I'm taking this effort seriously...I've enlisted my bro because I know he'll kick my ass. I've even told him how much I weigh! Ahh! I used to think he'd judge me but with this...I KNOW he's been where I am and he won't think less of me.

At present, I'm working on my grocery list and have tentative plans to go to the farmers' market in Mpls with Nick tomorrow morning so I can get good veggies. I'm supposed to go to a going away party for a friend who is leaving for Marine boot camp but it's 45 minutes away and I really don't want to stay out late.

Alas, I apologize for the lengthy entry. I felt like you guys deserved to know what was going on. I'm sure I'm not going to be this happy and motivated ALL the time but I am right now and I'm proud of it. Oh, and I highly recommend Tony Robbins' "Get the Edge" series. Shameless plug. ;)

Plants! (The Second Attempt)

Yesterday: failure on all fronts. I did look at job postings... found none, really, and didn't do anything else even though there are people I should contact. Didn't plant my garden. Didn't visit Kathryn. Didn't work out. Didn't really anything.

Today: definitely planting the porch garden, after some errands. Hoping to then work out, do some yoga, and enjoy a lovely shower. Then... who knows. Probably something with Kevin. Here's hoping today comes out better!

Plants!

Yesterday: Errands all over Watertown with Kathryn, gathering supplies and plants for my new porch garden. Herbs and greens and tomatoes and yumminess, oh my! No workout. No job search. But fun.

Today: lazy morning. Must spend some time on job search. Must actually plant and assemble porch garden. Need to visit Kathryn to get cucumber plants and help with her garden. Then perhaps a workout (we'll see) and some time enjoying dinner on the porch, admiring my lovely plants. Oh, and *making* food for dinner.

Happy Friday!

Proposal: Simplify and Rededicate

In noticing that we're all struggling a bit to have something worthwhile to say, or to even get in front of a computer to post, I had a thought. I know I tend to ramble on sometimes - usually about nothing - and it's a habit that should be held back a bit. And also, for this blog idea to really be helpful in the way it was intended, it should be simple and quick enough that we'll do it daily or near-daily.

So here's what I plan to try for a bit. I will limit rambling posts with thoughts and nonsense to one or fewer per week. But daily, I will write a *short* post with specific goals and results - whatever they may be. Explanations, rationalizations, excuses, etc. will not be included. It may be morning with yesterday's results and today's goals. It may be evening with today's results and tomorrow's goals. But it will be short, to the point, and posted.

I'm just thinking simple and with less rambling thought will make it easier to keep up with it. And I honestly find it helpful to post little bits like that, thinking that someone else is reading them, because then I feel a little more "accountable" (not quite the word I want) than if I just tell myself something and then maybe change my mind.

Thoughts? Other barriers to posting I'm not thinking of? I just, you know, hope for this venture to be successful and usefully supportive for all of us.

Still Blah-ing

So, Monday was pretty good. I did almost everything I said I would. Laundry was all clean, but somehow I left a couple loads in the machines overnight. Phone calls were all made. Cleaning was successful - with a few stray pieces I'm still getting to... but nothing big. Didn't make it to Trader Joe's, but did it yesterday. Now I'm ready to bake something delicious. I also got several payments taken care of, and ordered my books for my summer class.

But then, somehow, Monday night came and I just kind of stopped. Entirely. I don't even really know what I did yesterday. I visited Trader Joe's. I took Smooshy to the vet. And then I just kind of hung out around the house watching TV and sort of reading. I meant to stay home to keep an eye on Smooshy, as she wasn't feeling too well after her shots. But I still could've been *doing* something.

Oh, I looked at job postings. Found all of one position worth applying to. And not anything exciting. So the job search thing didn't quite turn into the extended thing I'd planned. Although, there was a lot related to it - calls and emails I should've made - that I just didn't do.

Now it's 11am on Wednesday. I'm just getting out of bed and checking email, etc. I've got therapy at noon. And then this afternoon I'm hoping to feel motivated.

Here's the hope:
- bake the peanut butter strawberry bars I saw in a magazine
- work out, including yoga
- finish putting the things away that I left sitting around on Monday night
- be ready on time and feel good when Kevin gets here after work to go to dinner

And in the next couple days, Kathryn and I will get together to build my porch garden. The weather finally seems like it will cooperate. And I need to get myself back into working out regularly, instead of this sporadic crap. And I need to send those emails and make those calls to get myself more "out there" in the job search. I mean, really. How else am I going to get anywhere? Argh.

Yeah, Argh. That's about how I feel. I'd like to go back to bed now. But it's time to get dressed and visit starbucks on my way to therapy. At least it's sunny and beautiful out. That usually makes me feel better and more energized.

Sunday Beat Me. Monday Will Not.

Since last post, a distinct pattern has held true. When I am convinced to get up, get dressed, leave my house and be with other people, I feel good and have fun. When I am alone, I stay home in pajamas, do nothing (even what I need/want to do) and basically don't feel.

Yesterday was a particular waste. Too much sleep. Too much TV (including while asleep). Hell, I even spent last night through this morning on the couch... Stupid. And when I actually managed to process what I was doing - even for a fleeting second - I felt stupid about it. And then stopped thinking/feeling again, continuing to do nothing.

Today, I don't want to do that anymore. It took me awhile... a long while... to get my ass up and moving. But I went and got coffee and breakfast (since I have nothing of the sort in my kitchen at the moment. argh). I did some KenKen puzzles while I ate. I started a load of laundry. I did the dishes. I'm posting here.

Upcoming activities for the day:
- phone call to health insurance company (didn't send me a bill this month)
- phone call to doc
- phone call to GMAC (to *finally* send in the final payment for my car, which I've been putting off)
- more laundry (everything I own *will* be clean by the end of the day)
- clean up the pathetic high-school style disaster that is my bedroom
- vaccuum the apt
- put all clothes away
- sort papers on desk
- visit Trader Joe's to buy essentials for *making* food

Basically, today is for personal life phone calls and getting my physical space organized and feeling good. When I finish, I plan to sit and enjoy my space, perhaps reading one of my several library books. I may or may not feel like working out later... and that is fine. Today is for getting my physical environment back to a place where it feels organized and comfortable.

I decided I will not even attempt to do any job search stuff today. That is tomorrow's task. And tomorrow's only task. Although I do hope to work out tomorrow. That would make a nice break from computer and phone time.

Later in the week I will get supplies for and assemble my porch garden. Hopefully doing so with Kathryn's help.

I have other hopes for the week... but figure I'll let myself think about them when I get today's stuff done. Physical surroundings and then mental tasks.

OK, go.

Welcome to Apathy!

No, I didn't not fall off the face of the earth. I am, in fact, alive. If you could call it that.

Gwen pretty much echoed everything I wanted to say in her post the other day...the war between what I know I should do and want to do and what I ACTUALLY do. The logical, rational side of me knows better. It knows that a workout, a good meal, a meaningful job search would each get me out of my funk. Despite that, I can't make myself do it. I just...can't.

Two weeks ago, I was doing okay. I organized all my fitness info I've collected from magazines and put serious effort into to getting outside for workouts (running, walking) as well as some strength training.

Then "Aunt Flo" made her visit and totally messed me up. I'm convinced I have Post-Menstrual Syndrome. All my cravings, emotions, etc happen after and I lose all interest in doing anything.

Of course, I can only blame PMS for so long, you know? I felt better on Friday, too. Movie and dinner with Ana and then a night out with my friend Rachel...it was a top, top day. It was so good that I didn't put any effort into making subsequent days awesome...maybe because I knew I couldn't by comparison? Whatever. I was lazy. LAZY. And I have been ever since.

It's like...my logical side knows that I should get up in the morning and do...stuff. Then I think 'why bother' because there is no reason to get up before noon. NONE. I have nothing to do, nowhere I have to be. As a result, I don't think I've been up for noon in about a week. Yesterday was the first time I went anywhere in as many days. To the dentist of all places! I ran a couple errands too.

But since I sleep in late, I'm up late. I don't fall asleep until 1 or 2 and then I sleep in again. Today I blame the drugs. I took a serious pain killer last night for the post-root canal tramua and it messed me up. Weird dreams, stomach is funny and I'm just blaaaaah.

How did I get here? How do I get back on track? I've thought about going to see my therapist dude but...I fear the progress I make in session will disappear the minute I walk through by door. I've thought about talking to my doctor about my meds but I don't think they are the problem either. I've considered reading a book about the subject but considering and actually doing is where I get stuck on everything, including trying to fix the getting stuck problem in the first place. Ugh. So frustrating.

On the positive side, I did actually go for a run on Monday night. It's still light out at 8 here, enough that I can get a mile in. And since I don't do anything, I'm eating less. Truthfully, the eating isn't high on my list of failures right now. I have some good foods and my Special K red berries cereal and not a lot of snacks so it's okay. Next week will be Week 4 since I heard from the IRS so I should be hearing from them again soon. Tonight I'm meeting my parents to go grocery shopping for the weekend at the lake and I will get some flowers for the balcony to go with the herbs I'm growing. I'm going to get my mom's Mother's Day present too. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house. Eventually I need to vaccuum but I have done the dishes EVERY DAY despite my funk. No dishwasher, no leaving them sit. They get washed. That's the one thing I can count on my self to accomplish.

Tomorrow, I intend to go to yoga at noon and then hit the road to head up north. I'll be better once I get up there. Lots to do...see fam, bar bingo, ride 4-wheeler, shoot guns, fish, play games. My brother, two of his roommates and the two dogs are coming on Friday so we'll have a full house. I'm confident I will get up in the A.M. since I rarely sleep past 8 up there. I will get outside and get fresh air. I don't know what it is but I'm better when I'm there. I'm just hoping I can carry that back down here on Sunday.

Gwen, it sounds like you've had a positive day and have good plans for tonight. I have yet to get to a Twins game. I hope you get your workout in; you've inspired me to fit a quick something in before I shower and meet the 'rents. Actually, my friend Rachel and I are going to try and "get ripped" this summer. Starting later this month, we want to get together twice a week to workout and I have no doubt she will kick my ass.

Here's some food for thought...do you think our blah issues are a because we demand too much from ourselves? I know personally I'm really hard on myself but sometimes I think I'm not hard enough OR that I'm expecting a minimum of effort and I can't even manage that. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm still asking too much and that's why I can never live up to my own expectations and I fail. Possible?

I Will Not Do Nothing

The following are actions that are not nothing. If I remind myself of the little things, maybe I'll work up to some bigger ones.

Yesterday: Posted to blog. Made a couple phone calls (one to my doc, the other social). Then worked out. Finally. And god it felt good. Then went to Kevin's... mostly vegged on the couch... but got a delicious salad for dinner.

Today (so far): Felt my body (my back, especially) craving another good workout and stretch - within a minute of waking up. Hehe. Took myself to breakfast at my favorite Brighton coffee shop. Went to therapy. Talked myself OUT of going to Target, and therefore out of spending money unnecessarily. Lazed on the couch a bit catching up on DVR stuff.

Upcoming Today: As soon as I finish posting, change into workout clothes. Work out. Shower and beautify. Walk to bus; ride bus to Kenmore Square. This evening, attending the Red Sox game - sporting my cute new hat, won at the raffle a couple weeks ago. And if I'm early getting down there, I may just browse around the bookstore a bit before the game. But since I haven't gotten to the working out yet, I probably won't be early.

Of course, going to the game probably means not eating a salad, but rather a ballpark sausage. And probably a beer. But I'll be out, having fun, and at least I worked out. And I know better than to have lots of beers and sausages. Hehe.

I still don't know how to understand the overwhelming blah that defies description in words... which keeps me frustrated and kind of afraid of it. But I do know that working out and getting out to a game will strike a blow to it. So there, blah, take that!

Where Did We Go?

So it seems we've all fallen off the face of the earth a bit. I'm hoping that for you two, it's because you've suddenly found yourselves so busy with exciting adventures there hasn't been time to blog.

For myself, well, it's been the opposite. For the last few weeks I've fallen into an ugly funk. It's like there's this tug-of-war in me. But I only understand one side. I understand the rational side of me... the side that knows what I need and want, is able to verbalize it, make a plan to achieve it... Yet somehow the other side is winning lately. And it's all the more frustrating because that's the side I can't explain - even to myself. It's not rational; it has no words. But it's the side that keeps me sleeping in too late, napping all day, and laying around without any distinct thoughts or feelings. The only word I have to describe it is "blah". It's an overwhelming blah.

I think if I could somehow explain and analyze it, I'd feel better about how to handle it. But my attempts have failed so far. And it's so odd... because I know in my mind what I want, what I need, what will make me feel good - even in the immediate... yet the blah wins and I don't do it. It's stupid really. At times I think I'm just being lazy. And sometimes that may be it. But more often I feel like the blah overtakes everything, and nullifies any logic or feeling of desire that I have.

Needless to say, on the action front, there has been little to none.

I haven't been working out. There are times when my body is crying out for it... a good stretch, a nice strengthening set... but for no real reason, I ignore that urge. I let it pass. Why? I know it would feel good - physically and mentally. My body is *telling* me so clearly that it craves that feeling. I know it will motivate me to get other things done. And yet, no.

I haven't been working on the job search. I am so beyond sick of this boredom. I hate having no purpose, feeling useless... I *want* to get up and go to work in the morning. And the thing is, I know what steps I need to take. I know how to do what needs to be done. Intellectually, I want to do it. But still, I don't.

I have pretty much given up on eating fruits and veggies, and making food for myself. I eat almost exclusively out of boxes from the freezer. I know this was a strong trend for me before.. but it's gotten worse. Yet I think frequently of the farmer's markets opening next month. I have plans to start a porch "garden" for myself sometime very soon - lettuces, herbs, a tomato plant, maybe a few other yummies... And Kathryn is even going to come over and help me with it. I fantasize about baking delicious breads and desserts... I imagine beautiful and healthful meals full of amazing veggies. But that's where it stops. I turn to the freezer, pull out a Lean Cuisine, and press Start on the microwave.

I feel myself hiding. I know getting together with people - friends, especially - feels really good. And I find it motivating. But I've been avoiding people. Yesterday when Kelly got home (around 4pm), I actually closed my bedroom door and crawled under the covers of my bed. I stayed there, sleeping on and off, until well after dark. I didn't come out until I heard her go to bed. And I ask myself: WTF?! Why would I do that? There's no answer. Just the blah. Not even rationalizing it... just, nothing.

And every day lately feels like more of the same. I get to a point each day where I tell myself it's time to get up and do something simple... just to get myself started. And somehow each day I've failed. It defies explanation. Hell, even blogging about it has been beyond possibility until today.

And now that I've done that one little thing, I feel my body calling for a workout. I like that my body has this craving, and I'm going to indulge it now. Hopefully it will lead to more action for the day... the week... toward doing the things that *have* words, feelings, desires, explanations and hope behind them. Hopefully it's one step toward squashing the big blah. Hopefully.