I know I shouldn't post when I'm mad and I also know that some of the following content is not related to the point of this blog but...rarrrrrhh! I need to vent about my day that started with such promise and has quickly gone downhill. In reality, I think it's more like the week that started with promise and went to shit by Tuesday noon.
Sunday afternoon I'm lounging by the pool because it was empty and it's free and I didn't have anything else to do. While lounging I was also thinking. And I realized that I was not going to have enough money to pay my last two bills of the month...well, the last two bills I would be paying on time this month. In all of the bartering with the parents, the cleaning for car repair, I did my own brand of fuzzy math that led me to believe I'd be okay. Wrong. Of course, there is little I can do on a Sunday except call my mom in tears. We agreed to reconvene on Monday, via phone of course, since they are 250 miles away at the lake. This meant I spent Sunday afternoon alternating between sobbing and sleeping about my fail of a life. We eventually found a "solution" but the fact we had to find a rescue at all is aggravating.
Monday itself was better but nothing positive happened. Instead, I had high hopes for today. I started by making a trip to a recommended consignment shop to sell some clothes. I figure I have between $150-$200 (sticker price) in never or gently worn clothes that I'd like to get rid of, for cash if possible. None of it is haute couture by any means...you know me...but there are some good brands. I didn't anticipate they'd want all the stuff but a few items that would net me maybe $50. Wrong. They wanted four items and were willing to pay me $13. For all of them. One of which is a summer dress I bought last year that I never wore that still has the $70 price tag on it. WTF!?!? Do they think I'm a re-tard (emphasis on the 'tard' obvi)? I told them to keep their money and I'd keep my stuff. Bastards.
Oh...almost forgot about the part where I paid to have my wheels aligned last week by the mechanic and they didn't do it right? Meanwhile, I'm driving down the freeway holding the steering wheel at a slightly right of center angle just to go straight. They can't fix until next Thursday which messes up my up-north schedule too.
Speaking of up-north, I was eagerly anticipating the Fourth of July holiday. Until I found out that my parents (my mother) plans to have my brother and I sleep on the couch. I realize Fran and Greg are guests but it pisses me off that every time they come (which is every summer holiday) they get the second bedroom. Usually, since Nick rarely visits, I'm the only one who suffers the no privacy, no bed and I can't go to sleep until everyone else does, until they leave the living room. This was a huge problem Memorial Day...I raged at my dad and Greg for being assholes. I don't know why F&G can't sleep on the pull out bed. For obvi reasons, Nick and I can't, so we just get separate ends of the couch (it's big) but I just think it sucks. Enough that if I could, I wouldn't go up, in protest. However, I'm picking up my cousin at the airport tonight and I'm supposed to deliver her on Thursday. So no getting out of the trip. This would be a FAB time for my mom to go into her "OH MY NICK IS HERE LET ME SPOIL HIM" mode and give him a bed to sleep in if only because it would mean I'd get a bed too.
Finally, I still don't have a job, and it doesn't seem to matter how many I apply for, no one ever freaking calls. Kind of convinced it's never going to change.
So. Long post short...I'm broke, I'm jobless, I'm angry and I'd really much prefer to hide out and do nothing to the cleaning and packing I'm supposed to do today. Perhaps I'll go have a good cry first. Fuck.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Getting It Out There
I've been avoiding the truth of numbers. Sure, there are greater truths... but some numbers hold significance far beyond their digits. So here are some numbers - to clarify to myself and the world - showing where my efforts (and significant lack of efforts) put me right now.
- I weigh 178 pounds. This is more than I have ever weighed.
- I recently had to buy new jeans because I couldn't squeeze my ass into the old ones. The new ones are sizes 12 and 14. I have never bought these sizes before.
- I've now been a member of the Y for a month. Number of times I've actually gone: 8 (I think).
- Number of days since I've gone to the gym at all: 10.
- Sure, I claim to do yoga at home (though we all know I'm more talk than action). Number of times I've rolled out my mat at home in the last two weeks: 2.
- Excessively long naps taken in the last week: 3. (This one is an improvement, actually.)
- Nights oversleeping (as in, more than 9 hours) in the past week: 3. (also an improvement)
- TV hours watched in the past week: too many to count
- Meals that are bad for me and feel gross afterwards this week: 5.
- Meals that included vegetables this week: 5.
- Consecutive days without leaving my house this week: 2 (so far).
- Awake hours spent in pajamas / yoga pants: again, too many to count.
- Meals I *made* this past week: 4. (improving)
- Baked goods I made this past week: 2.
I think that's enough numbers for now. I don't post this for any type of comparison with other people... I post it so I can see, honestly, where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. I've got all these desires and little willpower to back them up. I've got all these ideas and no motivation to get them going. I've got all this talk and so little to actually talk about. My hope is that by posting numbers publicly, I give myself something to look back at in the future... to see where progress has (or, god forbid, hasn't) been made.
The message the numbers give me today: Get off my ass! I'm changing my clothes and going to the gym. Right now.
- I weigh 178 pounds. This is more than I have ever weighed.
- I recently had to buy new jeans because I couldn't squeeze my ass into the old ones. The new ones are sizes 12 and 14. I have never bought these sizes before.
- I've now been a member of the Y for a month. Number of times I've actually gone: 8 (I think).
- Number of days since I've gone to the gym at all: 10.
- Sure, I claim to do yoga at home (though we all know I'm more talk than action). Number of times I've rolled out my mat at home in the last two weeks: 2.
- Excessively long naps taken in the last week: 3. (This one is an improvement, actually.)
- Nights oversleeping (as in, more than 9 hours) in the past week: 3. (also an improvement)
- TV hours watched in the past week: too many to count
- Meals that are bad for me and feel gross afterwards this week: 5.
- Meals that included vegetables this week: 5.
- Consecutive days without leaving my house this week: 2 (so far).
- Awake hours spent in pajamas / yoga pants: again, too many to count.
- Meals I *made* this past week: 4. (improving)
- Baked goods I made this past week: 2.
I think that's enough numbers for now. I don't post this for any type of comparison with other people... I post it so I can see, honestly, where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. I've got all these desires and little willpower to back them up. I've got all these ideas and no motivation to get them going. I've got all this talk and so little to actually talk about. My hope is that by posting numbers publicly, I give myself something to look back at in the future... to see where progress has (or, god forbid, hasn't) been made.
The message the numbers give me today: Get off my ass! I'm changing my clothes and going to the gym. Right now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I've Been A Bad Blogger
I've also been bad about exercise, keeping up with yoga, and about eating healthfully. Oh, and about applying for jobs. Hmmm....
It seems every time I make progress I begin to feel really good about it... and then suddenly a switch flips inside my brain and I completely stop. Or mostly stop. Or even backslide.
On Monday I ate a pizza. A whole, large pizza. Not all at once, mind you... but it was enough that around 1am I was tempted to make myself throw up just so I could feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never been so uncomfortably full before... but I just kept eating until it was gone. And the overeating has continued most of the week. Granted, I've tried to add some veggies and grains in there... and I certainly did not eat to quite that disgusting level again... but I'm thrown by how easily I do this to myself. It's as if my brain just shuts off, and I eat until I can't eat anymore. And I regret it. And the next day I do it again.
I have acquired some of Amy Weintraub's guided breathing and meditation cds. She wrote Yoga for Depression, and has some dvds and other stuff. I know from experiencing it like once (ok, not even fully once) that her method works for me. It feels good - and it does help me feel more able to manage my moods and take life as it comes. So why I've been avoiding sitting down and *doing* the exercises, I don't know. Same with yoga in general. And exercise. I know how good it feels - both immediately and later in the day. But to make myself get started... it just seems impossible lately.
I have, on the other hand, been somewhat active in the cooking and baking of delicous food. I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with the new edition of How to Cook Everything. And the results have been - for the most part - really good. I'm also still reading Food Matters... and I just got my hands on Skinny Bitch from the library. I'm absolutely fascinated by all the good sense guides and advice coming out about food lately... the local food movement... edible gardens at home... farmers' markets... fresh seasonal cooking... avoiding overprocessed, chemical-laced, bad-for-the-world-and-your-body foods from the massive food producing companies... It amazes me how aligned our bodies' true needs are with our environment... and yet it doesn't. That fact resonates deeply somewhere inside me - and I can almost feel the rumbling of a primal version of myself, *needing* to further explore and experience healthy food, the joy of making and eating it, the incredible pride in growing it myself. It's hard to describe the pull this has on me without sounding all esoteric and junk... but it's an incredible feeling.
Now if only I could find a good paying job that involves any of it. Heh. Or, at the very least, a job that affords me the ability to continue pursuing this amazing food joy without much limitation.
OK, specific goals for today:
1) Apply to at least two jobs.
2) Visit the Allston Farmers' Market (small, but awesome - especially since it's in my 'hood!)
3) Yoga. MUST DO YOGA.
4) Bake Strawberry Muffins (from the latest issue of Body+Soul magazine)
And since it's noon already, I best get going!
It seems every time I make progress I begin to feel really good about it... and then suddenly a switch flips inside my brain and I completely stop. Or mostly stop. Or even backslide.
On Monday I ate a pizza. A whole, large pizza. Not all at once, mind you... but it was enough that around 1am I was tempted to make myself throw up just so I could feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never been so uncomfortably full before... but I just kept eating until it was gone. And the overeating has continued most of the week. Granted, I've tried to add some veggies and grains in there... and I certainly did not eat to quite that disgusting level again... but I'm thrown by how easily I do this to myself. It's as if my brain just shuts off, and I eat until I can't eat anymore. And I regret it. And the next day I do it again.
I have acquired some of Amy Weintraub's guided breathing and meditation cds. She wrote Yoga for Depression, and has some dvds and other stuff. I know from experiencing it like once (ok, not even fully once) that her method works for me. It feels good - and it does help me feel more able to manage my moods and take life as it comes. So why I've been avoiding sitting down and *doing* the exercises, I don't know. Same with yoga in general. And exercise. I know how good it feels - both immediately and later in the day. But to make myself get started... it just seems impossible lately.
I have, on the other hand, been somewhat active in the cooking and baking of delicous food. I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with the new edition of How to Cook Everything. And the results have been - for the most part - really good. I'm also still reading Food Matters... and I just got my hands on Skinny Bitch from the library. I'm absolutely fascinated by all the good sense guides and advice coming out about food lately... the local food movement... edible gardens at home... farmers' markets... fresh seasonal cooking... avoiding overprocessed, chemical-laced, bad-for-the-world-and-your-body foods from the massive food producing companies... It amazes me how aligned our bodies' true needs are with our environment... and yet it doesn't. That fact resonates deeply somewhere inside me - and I can almost feel the rumbling of a primal version of myself, *needing* to further explore and experience healthy food, the joy of making and eating it, the incredible pride in growing it myself. It's hard to describe the pull this has on me without sounding all esoteric and junk... but it's an incredible feeling.
Now if only I could find a good paying job that involves any of it. Heh. Or, at the very least, a job that affords me the ability to continue pursuing this amazing food joy without much limitation.
OK, specific goals for today:
1) Apply to at least two jobs.
2) Visit the Allston Farmers' Market (small, but awesome - especially since it's in my 'hood!)
3) Yoga. MUST DO YOGA.
4) Bake Strawberry Muffins (from the latest issue of Body+Soul magazine)
And since it's noon already, I best get going!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Finally...a post.
It's just not the happiest post ever.
Don't worry...tragedy has not befallen me. Rather, it's just been a busy and emotional couple weeks.
I was at the cabin from Friday the 12th until last Wednesday, the 17th. When I'm there it's a challenge to post simply because I have to type the whole thing on the Crackberry. Of course, while I was up north, the scroll button on my Berry stopped scrolling in the down direction so there wasn't a lot I could do until I got back home anyway.
Wednesday afternoon/evening and Thursday were a blur. I didn't do much of anything. I was low on money at the time and was waiting for my Friday unemployment deposit. I spent Friday afternoon with my friend Rachel--a great mood booster. Of course I spent too much money on lunch, drinks and dinner but it was well worth it.
Yesterday I went to St. Cloud to watch my cousin Stephanie's final summer volleyball tournament. It's a two-day tourney so I stayed overnight in my aunt Michelle's hotel room (the chaperone room). The girls didn't play the greatest ever but it's always fun to watch. And I love seeing my cousin and spending time with her and Michelle.
I got home around 2:30 today with every intention of taking a nap. Except...I was too worked up. I've reached the end of the proverbial rope when it comes to the job and money situation. Basically, I need both and the prospects look slim. Throw in some car work that I can't afford and I've reached "freak out" levels of stress.
Thankfully the car work isn't serious; brakes and rotors and standard stuff that I was hoping to avoid this year because I bought a new car but we all know that never happened. Still, I'm looking at least a $300 bill.
So, I did the only logical thing. Well, the second logical thing. First, I worked out. It's the first time in a while and I rocked the hizzy. I did a 20 minute run/walk in some nice, cooling drizzle. Then I did 20 minutes of kickboxing. THEN I did 40 minutes of ballet. I only meant to do 20 but I love doing it. It makes me feel graceful and lithe and like I could be a dancer despite my flat feet. In reality, it's great for my muscles (esp my calves and shins thanks to the plies) and it does help posture.
The second logical thing I did was call the 'rents. They've always said they'd help if I needed it and, clearly, I do. Although the prospect of asking for and borrowing money makes me unhappy, a girl's gotta do what she must, right? My parents, in their infinite wisdom, came up with an alternate solution to a loan. Labor! No joke. They've got a ton of cleaning and other projects they need done and are willing to trade for car repair. Not the greatest thing ever...hard labor isn't my fav...but it's the best choice I've got right now.
In other news, I've reached the sad conclusion that I'm going to have to get a filler job. You know, something totally lame that will pay the bills. I'm opposed to it because I don't want something crappy and irrelevant on my resume but, again, a girl's gotta do, right?
Don't get me wrong...I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this. In addition to not wanting crap on my resume, I don't want to dread going to work everyday, knowing it's merely because I need the money. I don't want to be THAT PERSON. I want a real job that I like and can be good at...a career, really, and it seems I can't. It's unfair and stupid and not right and unfair. So, in the process of reaching this solution I went to the "bad place"...the place where I think about my dismal situation and got sad/angry/disappointed/stressed and all those other fun feelings. Throw in the car stuff and I am...was...a wreck.
Anyway, the workout, the parents...a hot bath and a yummy wine cooler...I feel better. And I have a pork chop in the oven. I know, dinner at 10? So what. It's been that kind of day.
k.
Don't worry...tragedy has not befallen me. Rather, it's just been a busy and emotional couple weeks.
I was at the cabin from Friday the 12th until last Wednesday, the 17th. When I'm there it's a challenge to post simply because I have to type the whole thing on the Crackberry. Of course, while I was up north, the scroll button on my Berry stopped scrolling in the down direction so there wasn't a lot I could do until I got back home anyway.
Wednesday afternoon/evening and Thursday were a blur. I didn't do much of anything. I was low on money at the time and was waiting for my Friday unemployment deposit. I spent Friday afternoon with my friend Rachel--a great mood booster. Of course I spent too much money on lunch, drinks and dinner but it was well worth it.
Yesterday I went to St. Cloud to watch my cousin Stephanie's final summer volleyball tournament. It's a two-day tourney so I stayed overnight in my aunt Michelle's hotel room (the chaperone room). The girls didn't play the greatest ever but it's always fun to watch. And I love seeing my cousin and spending time with her and Michelle.
I got home around 2:30 today with every intention of taking a nap. Except...I was too worked up. I've reached the end of the proverbial rope when it comes to the job and money situation. Basically, I need both and the prospects look slim. Throw in some car work that I can't afford and I've reached "freak out" levels of stress.
Thankfully the car work isn't serious; brakes and rotors and standard stuff that I was hoping to avoid this year because I bought a new car but we all know that never happened. Still, I'm looking at least a $300 bill.
So, I did the only logical thing. Well, the second logical thing. First, I worked out. It's the first time in a while and I rocked the hizzy. I did a 20 minute run/walk in some nice, cooling drizzle. Then I did 20 minutes of kickboxing. THEN I did 40 minutes of ballet. I only meant to do 20 but I love doing it. It makes me feel graceful and lithe and like I could be a dancer despite my flat feet. In reality, it's great for my muscles (esp my calves and shins thanks to the plies) and it does help posture.
The second logical thing I did was call the 'rents. They've always said they'd help if I needed it and, clearly, I do. Although the prospect of asking for and borrowing money makes me unhappy, a girl's gotta do what she must, right? My parents, in their infinite wisdom, came up with an alternate solution to a loan. Labor! No joke. They've got a ton of cleaning and other projects they need done and are willing to trade for car repair. Not the greatest thing ever...hard labor isn't my fav...but it's the best choice I've got right now.
In other news, I've reached the sad conclusion that I'm going to have to get a filler job. You know, something totally lame that will pay the bills. I'm opposed to it because I don't want something crappy and irrelevant on my resume but, again, a girl's gotta do, right?
Don't get me wrong...I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this. In addition to not wanting crap on my resume, I don't want to dread going to work everyday, knowing it's merely because I need the money. I don't want to be THAT PERSON. I want a real job that I like and can be good at...a career, really, and it seems I can't. It's unfair and stupid and not right and unfair. So, in the process of reaching this solution I went to the "bad place"...the place where I think about my dismal situation and got sad/angry/disappointed/stressed and all those other fun feelings. Throw in the car stuff and I am...was...a wreck.
Anyway, the workout, the parents...a hot bath and a yummy wine cooler...I feel better. And I have a pork chop in the oven. I know, dinner at 10? So what. It's been that kind of day.
k.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wasting A Few Days... What's New? Getting Past That.
So the last few days have been kind of useless. I've had brief moments of potential... quickly buried by, well, the blah. Too much sleeping, lots of couch-lump tv watching, and eating too many foods that do not give me energy.
I need today to be different. And thanks to my excessive napping yesterday evening, it has already started on a good note. (Way to connect a negative into a positive, right? Hehe.) I lay in my bed this morning, awake and looking out the window, watching the daylight come into being and break up the clouds. It was beautiful. I love the visual quality of morning light. I love the sounds of the birds waking up and welcoming the day. I love the smell of morning - enhanced today by some neighbor's coffee-making at 5:45am. Just the whiff of it made me ready to get up and move.
I got up and made my own coffee and a delicious breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, tomatoes, chives and cheese. I would've loved some toast with it, but my bread was way past its prime, so oh well. I watched the early morning news, and stood on my porch with my coffee... leisure at its best. I was just overtaken by the feeling that today will be a really good day, full of possibility, action, and joy.
My plans for the day include a little laundry (need gym clothes so I don't have any excuses not to visit the gym in the coming week!), the cleaning and organizing of my bedroom I've been thinking/talking about for weeks, some kitty-related cleaning, reading on my porch later (if the rain holds off), and hitting up the noon yoga class. Yes, the Kripalu one that I missed last week. Yay!
Feeling good so far! And hoping you've got some joy this Saturday as well!
I need today to be different. And thanks to my excessive napping yesterday evening, it has already started on a good note. (Way to connect a negative into a positive, right? Hehe.) I lay in my bed this morning, awake and looking out the window, watching the daylight come into being and break up the clouds. It was beautiful. I love the visual quality of morning light. I love the sounds of the birds waking up and welcoming the day. I love the smell of morning - enhanced today by some neighbor's coffee-making at 5:45am. Just the whiff of it made me ready to get up and move.
I got up and made my own coffee and a delicious breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, tomatoes, chives and cheese. I would've loved some toast with it, but my bread was way past its prime, so oh well. I watched the early morning news, and stood on my porch with my coffee... leisure at its best. I was just overtaken by the feeling that today will be a really good day, full of possibility, action, and joy.
My plans for the day include a little laundry (need gym clothes so I don't have any excuses not to visit the gym in the coming week!), the cleaning and organizing of my bedroom I've been thinking/talking about for weeks, some kitty-related cleaning, reading on my porch later (if the rain holds off), and hitting up the noon yoga class. Yes, the Kripalu one that I missed last week. Yay!
Feeling good so far! And hoping you've got some joy this Saturday as well!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Oh, Wednesday, Please Don't Kick My Ass
Perhaps I sent so much energy your way, Krissie, that you're overflowing and I'm all out. Hehe. Glad you're having a productive and active day!
I, on the other hand, did not wake up until 1:30pm. How that's possible I really don't know. Now I'm awake, teeth brushed and contacts in. And really not feeling like doing anything with this day. Headache, sore muscles, blah feeling, and the grayness outside does not help.
In my rational mind, I know the headache is because I overslept and haven't had coffee yet. (It's brewing right now.) I need to eat some breakfast and take some vitamins to get some energy in my body. And I know the soreness is that good kind from pushing myself a little on the treadmill yesterday, and spending some time on the rowing machine (and making sure I maintained good form while on it!). I know all this. But still, I am tempted to waste this day.
[Um, Side Note: I just went to put some pb&j on my banana waffles (mmm... love that for breakfast) and realized that my coffee maker wasn't making any noise. Apparently I turned it on without putting the water in the back of the coffeemaker - I'd left it in the pot. Wow.]
I'm really hoping, though, that I can keep my good energy from this past week or so going. I've been good about going to the gym. So I don't think there's anything wrong with taking today off. And I will probably still do a yoga dvd. Maybe even a pilates one if I feel up to it later. I also want to really focus on the job hunt this week, try to find some new ideas and make some new connections. This is the week Kevin is at Bonnaroo, so I'm down one distraction and think that for this one week it will be a good thing - if I can keep the energy and determination up. I've also got some cleaning/organizing planned for my bedroom, and maybe even a new bookshelf if I get done with cleaning some stuff out.
Yes... with some breakfast eaten and coffee brewed (finally), and writing this blog, I can feel my energy rising and dedication to positive movement growing. I will allow myself to take it easy workout-wise today, but not do nothing. I will not turn on the tv and become a couch lump. I WILL NOT!
OK, coffee and making a plan of attack for today. Well, what's left of it anyway. Heh.
I, on the other hand, did not wake up until 1:30pm. How that's possible I really don't know. Now I'm awake, teeth brushed and contacts in. And really not feeling like doing anything with this day. Headache, sore muscles, blah feeling, and the grayness outside does not help.
In my rational mind, I know the headache is because I overslept and haven't had coffee yet. (It's brewing right now.) I need to eat some breakfast and take some vitamins to get some energy in my body. And I know the soreness is that good kind from pushing myself a little on the treadmill yesterday, and spending some time on the rowing machine (and making sure I maintained good form while on it!). I know all this. But still, I am tempted to waste this day.
[Um, Side Note: I just went to put some pb&j on my banana waffles (mmm... love that for breakfast) and realized that my coffee maker wasn't making any noise. Apparently I turned it on without putting the water in the back of the coffeemaker - I'd left it in the pot. Wow.]
I'm really hoping, though, that I can keep my good energy from this past week or so going. I've been good about going to the gym. So I don't think there's anything wrong with taking today off. And I will probably still do a yoga dvd. Maybe even a pilates one if I feel up to it later. I also want to really focus on the job hunt this week, try to find some new ideas and make some new connections. This is the week Kevin is at Bonnaroo, so I'm down one distraction and think that for this one week it will be a good thing - if I can keep the energy and determination up. I've also got some cleaning/organizing planned for my bedroom, and maybe even a new bookshelf if I get done with cleaning some stuff out.
Yes... with some breakfast eaten and coffee brewed (finally), and writing this blog, I can feel my energy rising and dedication to positive movement growing. I will allow myself to take it easy workout-wise today, but not do nothing. I will not turn on the tv and become a couch lump. I WILL NOT!
OK, coffee and making a plan of attack for today. Well, what's left of it anyway. Heh.
Late to bed and early to rise, apparently.
Shocker of the day! I've been up since 5:00 AM!
I didn't get to sleep until after 1am and I had a fairly active day. Well, more active than the previous days during which I slept many many hours. But apparently four hours was all I needed last night, even after meat fest at Fogo. Which was delicious, btw.
Anyway, despite my efforts to go back to sleep, my brain was having none of it. Truth is, I've been a little stressed the last couple days. Worried about money. I've done the "paycheck math" over and over again but new money never seems to appear. I did another calculation after checking my bank balance today. I discovered I should be fine for the month barring any emergencies, I thought I'd be able to rest. False! So I did some yoga (15 minutes of sun salutations) and had breakfast. Paid bills, made coffee, talked to my dad, cleaned up my desk a bit.
Yesterday, I completed my proposed to-do items even before going out to dinner. All my dishes were clean, I had worked out and I applied for not one but two jobs!
Today I will be at my parent's house cleaning (aka making money) and doing my laundry. Since I'm up so early, I anticipate being done early there, too.
My newest home project? Feng Shui. My brother loaned me a book he got and I'm learning about what areas of my home represent what areas of my life and what I need to do in each one. It seems as though I've unintentionally made some good feng shui choices in my apartment but I have to make a few changes and enhancements. For example, because of the layout, sections of my "career" and "skills and knowledge" areas are set inside Pepper Guy Neighbor's place. So I have to get a 'cure' to bring that space back in to my control. Also, my office/desk area is in my "prosperity" area and I need to work on organizing it and getting rid of the things that are bad influences (bills sitting out, old financial statements in the filing cabinet). I'll let you know how it goes! PS, the book is called Move your Stuff, Change Your Life and it's very user friendly.
I'd also like to find more jobs to apply for this week. My parents have been very helpful with ideas and forwarding job postings. I'm excited about the two I responded to yesterday; I have high hopes once again.
The annoying part of all this forward progress? I feel like my brain is running out of control. It's just going, going, going and as a result I feel like I need to go, go, go. Does that make sense? It's a little like having too much caffeine except I've had hardly any. Thus, it appears my only solution is to simply DO so many things as to get the ideas and the energy out. It's crazy!
Anyway, off to collect dirty laundry and get dressed. Have great Wednesdays!
k.
I didn't get to sleep until after 1am and I had a fairly active day. Well, more active than the previous days during which I slept many many hours. But apparently four hours was all I needed last night, even after meat fest at Fogo. Which was delicious, btw.
Anyway, despite my efforts to go back to sleep, my brain was having none of it. Truth is, I've been a little stressed the last couple days. Worried about money. I've done the "paycheck math" over and over again but new money never seems to appear. I did another calculation after checking my bank balance today. I discovered I should be fine for the month barring any emergencies, I thought I'd be able to rest. False! So I did some yoga (15 minutes of sun salutations) and had breakfast. Paid bills, made coffee, talked to my dad, cleaned up my desk a bit.
Yesterday, I completed my proposed to-do items even before going out to dinner. All my dishes were clean, I had worked out and I applied for not one but two jobs!
Today I will be at my parent's house cleaning (aka making money) and doing my laundry. Since I'm up so early, I anticipate being done early there, too.
My newest home project? Feng Shui. My brother loaned me a book he got and I'm learning about what areas of my home represent what areas of my life and what I need to do in each one. It seems as though I've unintentionally made some good feng shui choices in my apartment but I have to make a few changes and enhancements. For example, because of the layout, sections of my "career" and "skills and knowledge" areas are set inside Pepper Guy Neighbor's place. So I have to get a 'cure' to bring that space back in to my control. Also, my office/desk area is in my "prosperity" area and I need to work on organizing it and getting rid of the things that are bad influences (bills sitting out, old financial statements in the filing cabinet). I'll let you know how it goes! PS, the book is called Move your Stuff, Change Your Life and it's very user friendly.
I'd also like to find more jobs to apply for this week. My parents have been very helpful with ideas and forwarding job postings. I'm excited about the two I responded to yesterday; I have high hopes once again.
The annoying part of all this forward progress? I feel like my brain is running out of control. It's just going, going, going and as a result I feel like I need to go, go, go. Does that make sense? It's a little like having too much caffeine except I've had hardly any. Thus, it appears my only solution is to simply DO so many things as to get the ideas and the energy out. It's crazy!
Anyway, off to collect dirty laundry and get dressed. Have great Wednesdays!
k.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sometimes I hate being a girl...
Happy Tuesday! It is Tuesday, right? I'm getting my days mixed up. Yesterday? I wasn't so sure it was Monday. But it was.
The rest of my weekend was...mildly productive. I finished my dishes and vacuuming by yesterday. I even brought out the trash. My apartment isn't as clean as I'd like...I already have more dirty dishes and the dishwasher needs to be emptied. And my bathroom could use a deep scrub. You know me...I like to have things clean and organized. Not OCD-clean or germaphobe clean but certainly neat and put away. Sadly, though I have the time to do this now, it gets messy pretty quickly since I'm home all the time. If I had a job, I wouldn't have the time to clean as much but at least I wouldn't be here to make a mess. Catch 22.
As for jobs...I applied for one on Friday and another on Saturday. I'm making now prognostications on whether or not I'll hear back or if I'm even qualified. They sounded interesting and I think I'm capable. That's as far as I'm going. My parent's have started sending me job postings too. At first it was annoying but considering how much I loathe looking right now, it's actually kind of nice. Fresh eyes, new sources...my mom is quick to preface them with "this might not be good but..." so at least she recognizes that her viewpoint might differ from mine.
On a pathetic note, I didn't go anywhere all weekend. I did go downstairs to the soda machine but that's it. So when I finally went grocery shopping yesterday it was very disconcerting to be around other people. I had to fight the urge to go home and hide in my apartment. I made myself go for a drive just to stay out longer. It wasn't a fear of being in public kind of feeling, not agoraphobic but it was really stressful. I think it just means I have to make myself go out simply for the sake of my mental health.
I finally worked out today. Walking for five hour last Wednesday and again on Thursday wore me out. And while I meant to do it sooner (as in Saturday or Sunday), I knew I had to get some fitness in today. I'm still down a few pounds from where I started late last month but I want to keep it off and keep making progress. Plus we are going to Fogo de Chao (all you can eat meat!!) for my brother's birthday tonight; I need to make some caloric room. ;) I did 10 minutes of a kickboxing dvd and 10 minutes of kettlebells with some dance cardio thrown in. I got down to Madonna's Vouge. No joke.
All was fine until the workout gave me cramps! I swear I just had my period. Like two weeks ago. I know these cramps are not a sign of immediate impending visit...it tends to happen to me about a week out...phantom cramps if you will. So in theory, next week could be fairly on time. I don't keep track. I've never missed and I've never been a few days late from my estimations so I'm sure I'm fine (except for my occasional paranoid fears of endometriosis and infertility, to which my doctor says "don't worry"). I used to take the pill for cramps but, inevitably, I will forget to do the mail-in refill and I'll run out. Whatever. It's not like I need it for protection purposes.
My goals for today are as follows:
The rest of my weekend was...mildly productive. I finished my dishes and vacuuming by yesterday. I even brought out the trash. My apartment isn't as clean as I'd like...I already have more dirty dishes and the dishwasher needs to be emptied. And my bathroom could use a deep scrub. You know me...I like to have things clean and organized. Not OCD-clean or germaphobe clean but certainly neat and put away. Sadly, though I have the time to do this now, it gets messy pretty quickly since I'm home all the time. If I had a job, I wouldn't have the time to clean as much but at least I wouldn't be here to make a mess. Catch 22.
As for jobs...I applied for one on Friday and another on Saturday. I'm making now prognostications on whether or not I'll hear back or if I'm even qualified. They sounded interesting and I think I'm capable. That's as far as I'm going. My parent's have started sending me job postings too. At first it was annoying but considering how much I loathe looking right now, it's actually kind of nice. Fresh eyes, new sources...my mom is quick to preface them with "this might not be good but..." so at least she recognizes that her viewpoint might differ from mine.
On a pathetic note, I didn't go anywhere all weekend. I did go downstairs to the soda machine but that's it. So when I finally went grocery shopping yesterday it was very disconcerting to be around other people. I had to fight the urge to go home and hide in my apartment. I made myself go for a drive just to stay out longer. It wasn't a fear of being in public kind of feeling, not agoraphobic but it was really stressful. I think it just means I have to make myself go out simply for the sake of my mental health.
I finally worked out today. Walking for five hour last Wednesday and again on Thursday wore me out. And while I meant to do it sooner (as in Saturday or Sunday), I knew I had to get some fitness in today. I'm still down a few pounds from where I started late last month but I want to keep it off and keep making progress. Plus we are going to Fogo de Chao (all you can eat meat!!) for my brother's birthday tonight; I need to make some caloric room. ;) I did 10 minutes of a kickboxing dvd and 10 minutes of kettlebells with some dance cardio thrown in. I got down to Madonna's Vouge. No joke.
All was fine until the workout gave me cramps! I swear I just had my period. Like two weeks ago. I know these cramps are not a sign of immediate impending visit...it tends to happen to me about a week out...phantom cramps if you will. So in theory, next week could be fairly on time. I don't keep track. I've never missed and I've never been a few days late from my estimations so I'm sure I'm fine (except for my occasional paranoid fears of endometriosis and infertility, to which my doctor says "don't worry"). I used to take the pill for cramps but, inevitably, I will forget to do the mail-in refill and I'll run out. Whatever. It's not like I need it for protection purposes.
My goals for today are as follows:
- Clean the kitchen!
- Apply for one job!
Workout!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Looking Up
Feeling pretty good lately. Over the weekend, I made sure to do some Namaste Yoga flow sequences each day. Aaahhh. Saturday night was an enjoyable evening at a local bar with friends of Kevin's... and finding out I have some things in common with another girl in the group. Which probably means we'll hang out some and exchange some recipies. (Her husband adores her zucchini bread recipe. YUM!) Yesterday was mostly lazy... spent some time reading on the porch, did some yoga and mostly hung out with Kevin. I did order us a pizza last night for dinner - and ate half of the large thing - but at least I got broccoli, grilled chicken, and mushrooms on it. It could easily have been more unhealthy. This way, unhealthy but with some good aspects added. :-)
Today's been lovely too. Got up - and felt awake right away - and made some coffee. Went to the gym for some treadmill time and some weight machines. I had wanted to attend Gentle Yoga again, but had to miss it for a doc's appt. Oh, and I had a delicious sandwich - hummus, avocado, cucumber, tomato, sprouts, on nutty seedy multigrain bread - from my favorite Brighton coffee shop. Ate at a picnic table outside the doc's office. Mmmmm! Blogging now, some porch reading and observing my garden, then probably some Namaste Yoga, and then back over to Kevin's since he's leaving for Bonnaroo tomorrow and will be gone for a week.
Too bad the rains are coming for the rest of the week. But I'm planning to visit a yoga class every day, as well as more cardio and weights at the gym. I'm hoping to put a lot of energy into job searching this week. And since a few books are being held for me at the library, I'll also be reading quite a bit I suppose. I think this will be a good week.
Hope to hear it's just as positive for you!
Today's been lovely too. Got up - and felt awake right away - and made some coffee. Went to the gym for some treadmill time and some weight machines. I had wanted to attend Gentle Yoga again, but had to miss it for a doc's appt. Oh, and I had a delicious sandwich - hummus, avocado, cucumber, tomato, sprouts, on nutty seedy multigrain bread - from my favorite Brighton coffee shop. Ate at a picnic table outside the doc's office. Mmmmm! Blogging now, some porch reading and observing my garden, then probably some Namaste Yoga, and then back over to Kevin's since he's leaving for Bonnaroo tomorrow and will be gone for a week.
Too bad the rains are coming for the rest of the week. But I'm planning to visit a yoga class every day, as well as more cardio and weights at the gym. I'm hoping to put a lot of energy into job searching this week. And since a few books are being held for me at the library, I'll also be reading quite a bit I suppose. I think this will be a good week.
Hope to hear it's just as positive for you!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Ups and Downs...
Greetings!
I promise I haven’t forgotten about the blog. It’s been a…weird few weeks. Good for others; mediocre for me. As a result, I just haven’t been in a blogging mood, particularly the last few days.
However, I’m working on my mental block and am hoping today is a turning point. I have a short list of things I want to accomplish. As you can see, a blog update is on it!
-Finish the vacuuming I started on Wednesday
-Finish the dishes I started this morning
-Apply for two jobs.
-Blog!
It’s a cold and rainy day today—perfect for wrapping up inside projects. No outdoor distractions, like the pool. :)
I look forward to sharing with you later today!
k.
I promise I haven’t forgotten about the blog. It’s been a…weird few weeks. Good for others; mediocre for me. As a result, I just haven’t been in a blogging mood, particularly the last few days.
However, I’m working on my mental block and am hoping today is a turning point. I have a short list of things I want to accomplish. As you can see, a blog update is on it!
-Finish the vacuuming I started on Wednesday
-Finish the dishes I started this morning
-Apply for two jobs.
-Blog!
It’s a cold and rainy day today—perfect for wrapping up inside projects. No outdoor distractions, like the pool. :)
I look forward to sharing with you later today!
k.
One Up, One Down
Yesterday was fantastic. Went to the gym and spent 30 minutes on the treadmill. Mostly fast walking, of course, because my body won't tolerate running for long stretches of time... but there were a few times I ramped it up a bit. Then I went downstairs to the Gentle Yoga class. Oh, my, word. I was amazing. Just a lot of slow stretching and breathing, but it was exactly what my body needed. I felt so calm, energized and restored after it.
Then I came home, had a delicious salad for lunch and potted some more plants. Repotting a couple indoor ones, putting a couple new herbs outside (garlic chives, and dill) and put some seeds in - mostly just to see if anything happens. But my porch has been having good luck so far.
Today, my plan was to get up, visit the cardio machines again, and then go to the Kripalu Yoga class. I've been sooo eagerly awaiting this one. But I overslept. Argh. I didn't wake up until the class had already started. Grrr... Kind of mad at myself, because I was plenty tired enough to go to bed last night at a reasonable time, but I stayed up playing stupid games on the computer. Dumb move.
I know that to build on these blocks that I've started, I've got to keep my sleep habits in check. Need to get more consistent, and hold myself to more reasonable times. Thankfully it'll help that Kevin is going to be out of town for a week at a music festival. I can try out a schedule that's got nothing to do with him, and see how it feels for me.
Anyway, for now I think I need coffee and some reading time on my porch. And then perhaps some yoga with a Namaste DVD. From there... who knows?! It's a gorgeous weekend here, so the possibilities are many.
Hoping you find the chance for joy and a deep breath to enjoy it today! Sending you my love.
Then I came home, had a delicious salad for lunch and potted some more plants. Repotting a couple indoor ones, putting a couple new herbs outside (garlic chives, and dill) and put some seeds in - mostly just to see if anything happens. But my porch has been having good luck so far.
Today, my plan was to get up, visit the cardio machines again, and then go to the Kripalu Yoga class. I've been sooo eagerly awaiting this one. But I overslept. Argh. I didn't wake up until the class had already started. Grrr... Kind of mad at myself, because I was plenty tired enough to go to bed last night at a reasonable time, but I stayed up playing stupid games on the computer. Dumb move.
I know that to build on these blocks that I've started, I've got to keep my sleep habits in check. Need to get more consistent, and hold myself to more reasonable times. Thankfully it'll help that Kevin is going to be out of town for a week at a music festival. I can try out a schedule that's got nothing to do with him, and see how it feels for me.
Anyway, for now I think I need coffee and some reading time on my porch. And then perhaps some yoga with a Namaste DVD. From there... who knows?! It's a gorgeous weekend here, so the possibilities are many.
Hoping you find the chance for joy and a deep breath to enjoy it today! Sending you my love.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Happy Friday!
At my second "Get Started" session at the Y yesterday I was introduced to some of the weight machines. Fun stuff. Thankfully, my appt got cut off a little early because Mike had to go give a talk for some funding thing. I then went to the elliptical machine... and very quickly felt like a loser because I was huffing and puffing after only a few minutes. I made myself last ten... but then I went home. I realize that it'll take a little time doing it consistently for me not to get winded and sweaty so fast... I know it's normal to get tired faster when you're just getting started. But still... I felt silly. Oh well.
Today I'm going in earlier than the last few days. I want to get in some cardio before yoga class. My goal today is 20 minutes, but keeping the intensity down pretty low so I can last that long. Then I'll go down to the Gentle Yoga class. I know it'll be full of elderly ladies, but oh am I looking forward to it. My back and neck could use some good gentle stretching.
I didn't think I'd be quite so wiped from spending a little time at the gym. Although, to be fair, it is "girl time" this week as well. So I know that's got something to do with it. And I ran out of my iron supplement and didn't get more until last night. So taking all those things together, I suppose it's not so strange.
Krissie - how's the plan with your brother going? Hope all is well! Off to the gym for me.
Today I'm going in earlier than the last few days. I want to get in some cardio before yoga class. My goal today is 20 minutes, but keeping the intensity down pretty low so I can last that long. Then I'll go down to the Gentle Yoga class. I know it'll be full of elderly ladies, but oh am I looking forward to it. My back and neck could use some good gentle stretching.
I didn't think I'd be quite so wiped from spending a little time at the gym. Although, to be fair, it is "girl time" this week as well. So I know that's got something to do with it. And I ran out of my iron supplement and didn't get more until last night. So taking all those things together, I suppose it's not so strange.
Krissie - how's the plan with your brother going? Hope all is well! Off to the gym for me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Feeling the Effects of Yesterday
Wow. Yesterday wiped me out, and today I am sore. I also slept quite a bit longer than I thought I would. Eleven hours. I'm feeling a little silly about that. Then again, it's the busiest day I've had in awhile. It makes me think I need to have busy days more often so that getting a job won't be a total shock to my system. Heh.
So the gym yesterday was good. I liked the yoga class, but it wasn't anything amazing. I did like the extended savasana though, which dvds never do. Judging by the soreness in my neck and shoulders, I think I held my shoulderstand and plough pose a bit too long. Or maybe I wasn't doing it quite right. Hmmm... need to remember that in the future. It's very different than a home practice. That surprised me a little - just how much my mental/spiritual attention was not engaged in class. It's OK. Just means that my home practice will need to be something I continue to do daily. (Or, more accurately, something I begin to do daily. I'm a bit inconsistent with it.)
I've got two more yoga classes in my plans this week to try. One called Gentle Yoga. Should be soothing - but probably will be with a lot of really old ladies again, like the one yesterday. The other one is Saturday, and it's a Kripalu Yoga class. That one I'm pretty excited for. It's a more spirit centered type of yoga, and it's also the style of that yoga retreat center in western MA that I've been dying to visit for years. Fingers are crossed that the classes are good!
Learning the cardio machines was cool. I never thought I'd like rowing, but that was actually my favorite machine. Today I'm going back and learning the weight machines. I didn't really try to get any workout from it yesterday - and now I feel like I should have. I was there mostly with the mindset to learn about stuff. Today I think I'll push myself, and let Mike (the trainer/coach) push me too.
One other cool thing - they've got this FitLinxx system. It's a computer system to track your workouts. Some of it you've got to enter yourself, but some of it the machines are hooked up to track for you - and to tell you how many reps and what weight are on your program today. So it guides what you're doing. Plus, I can access it from home, and add in whatever workouts I've done on my own. I think it'll be nice to have such a clear record of how I'm doing, to see where I've made progress and where I'm slacking.
Really, I can't believe it took me so long to join a gym. What was I thinking? I'm definitely going to like the Y. The staff is unbelievably friendly and helpful. And walking in there just makes me feel ready to work out. I'm excited to add this to my list of things to occupy my time, add to my happiness, and move my life in the direction I've been wishing for. Woohoo!
For now, plants and emails to potential employers are demanding my attention.
Sending you love and energy! HUGS!
So the gym yesterday was good. I liked the yoga class, but it wasn't anything amazing. I did like the extended savasana though, which dvds never do. Judging by the soreness in my neck and shoulders, I think I held my shoulderstand and plough pose a bit too long. Or maybe I wasn't doing it quite right. Hmmm... need to remember that in the future. It's very different than a home practice. That surprised me a little - just how much my mental/spiritual attention was not engaged in class. It's OK. Just means that my home practice will need to be something I continue to do daily. (Or, more accurately, something I begin to do daily. I'm a bit inconsistent with it.)
I've got two more yoga classes in my plans this week to try. One called Gentle Yoga. Should be soothing - but probably will be with a lot of really old ladies again, like the one yesterday. The other one is Saturday, and it's a Kripalu Yoga class. That one I'm pretty excited for. It's a more spirit centered type of yoga, and it's also the style of that yoga retreat center in western MA that I've been dying to visit for years. Fingers are crossed that the classes are good!
Learning the cardio machines was cool. I never thought I'd like rowing, but that was actually my favorite machine. Today I'm going back and learning the weight machines. I didn't really try to get any workout from it yesterday - and now I feel like I should have. I was there mostly with the mindset to learn about stuff. Today I think I'll push myself, and let Mike (the trainer/coach) push me too.
One other cool thing - they've got this FitLinxx system. It's a computer system to track your workouts. Some of it you've got to enter yourself, but some of it the machines are hooked up to track for you - and to tell you how many reps and what weight are on your program today. So it guides what you're doing. Plus, I can access it from home, and add in whatever workouts I've done on my own. I think it'll be nice to have such a clear record of how I'm doing, to see where I've made progress and where I'm slacking.
Really, I can't believe it took me so long to join a gym. What was I thinking? I'm definitely going to like the Y. The staff is unbelievably friendly and helpful. And walking in there just makes me feel ready to work out. I'm excited to add this to my list of things to occupy my time, add to my happiness, and move my life in the direction I've been wishing for. Woohoo!
For now, plants and emails to potential employers are demanding my attention.
Sending you love and energy! HUGS!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
"Busy" Day Today!
In comparison to most days lately, having three places to be at specific times and one other errand to run in between feels very active.
Yesterday I went to the YMCA and got my membership all set up. Yay!
Today I have therapy at 11, and then off to my first ever yoga class at noon. I know, first ever? But yes. I've been doing it on my own with books, magazines and dvds for the past few years. Time to have an actual instructor. Not giving up my solo practice though... just adding to it.
Then I'll hit Mahoney's (garden center) to finally get the pots and last couple of plants for my porch garden.
At 3:45, back to the Y for my first "Get Started" session. Basically one-on-one coaching to help me learn what everything is and how to use it, set myself some goals, and develop a plan to achieve them - and make sure I know about all the resources the Y has to help me get there. Should be kind of cool.
Anyway, off to shave my legs so I can wear my shorter workout pants today. Hehe.
Oh - and morning feels SOOOO much easier when I've got stuff to get up and go do. I need to plan more things to do in the morning so I can get out of bed that easily (and happily!) every day.
Hope you ladies are doing well! Let me know how it's going!
Yesterday I went to the YMCA and got my membership all set up. Yay!
Today I have therapy at 11, and then off to my first ever yoga class at noon. I know, first ever? But yes. I've been doing it on my own with books, magazines and dvds for the past few years. Time to have an actual instructor. Not giving up my solo practice though... just adding to it.
Then I'll hit Mahoney's (garden center) to finally get the pots and last couple of plants for my porch garden.
At 3:45, back to the Y for my first "Get Started" session. Basically one-on-one coaching to help me learn what everything is and how to use it, set myself some goals, and develop a plan to achieve them - and make sure I know about all the resources the Y has to help me get there. Should be kind of cool.
Anyway, off to shave my legs so I can wear my shorter workout pants today. Hehe.
Oh - and morning feels SOOOO much easier when I've got stuff to get up and go do. I need to plan more things to do in the morning so I can get out of bed that easily (and happily!) every day.
Hope you ladies are doing well! Let me know how it's going!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Warning: Long Rambling Ahead
So my so-called rededication didn't really take. Blah. Whatever.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And trying to really identify what I want in my life. What things are for the future, what steps I can take toward them... but also what things I could integrate into my life now with relative ease. And by that, I mean slowly, and with lots of effort... but they'd *fit* in my life now and make it significantly better.
See, all along I've had this idea of what my life would be like and what to pursue. And that involved a career in teaching, and *maybe* kids, and definitely a husband... the rest was kind of up in the air. My whole "plan" revolved around my job. As did my sense of who I am and what I'm about. Even when that life began to fall apart - heck, even when it all went to hell - I kept going on that same planned trajectory. Even when I realized it's not what I really want for my life, I kept moving on the same path.
I realized recently that while I was teaching - and simultaneously going through the "Jay Years", as I like to call them now -I was burning out, exhausted and spent... and I kept wishing, even asking, for a break. A break from this life, to just BE, and think, and get myself together. Turns out, I've gotten that break. I don't know why it took me almost a year to notice... but it's been quite a break!
And the break has (finally) made all the difference in how I think and feel about my life, how I'm approaching things. I guess the most concrete example is this: I dropped my summer course and am quitting my Master's program. I was hesitant to quit for so long... continuing on the same path, trying to finish what I'd started. But I started this degree because I *had* to, in order to get the next teaching licence and keep my job. Knowing that teaching isn't right for me, I was still working toward that M.Ed. For what? No reason, really. It serves no purpose for me now. And feeling that way about it just made it that much harder to put energy into the classes.
It's funny... I spent so much time convincing myself that because I enjoy the subject matter of my history courses, it totally made sense to keep going. But when I get to the education courses... what then? And odds are, I'd need a classroom to be able to do some of my assignments in those ed. courses.
I haven't told anyone yet that I quit the course. But if I'm leaving the program, really, why bother? So many people - people who genuinely love me and want the best for me - have seemed relieved in a way that I was continuing the program. When I mentioned to Kevin that I was thinking about dropping, he asked what I'd do with my days without the course, and the whole program in general. It feels like he's going to be disappointed when I tell him I did it.
Inside me, though, there is a perceptible shift. I really feel like this extended break from that life has given me the opportunity to let go of my past attachments, the ones that were holding me back on a path I no longer want. And it feels like this break had to be so long in order for me to keep going, letting go of one thing after another, but no so fast that it felt overwhelming or crazy.
Letting go of that master's program feels big. And I realize that it's something I may later regret. But I'm not giving up on learning altogether... or even getting another degree for that matter. I just have this growing sense that what I'm learning about needs to be something I am interested in, and something that feels useful for my life... something that helps me move toward the life I want. I will probably look into learning a new language, taking some writing workshops, and maybe even some gardening or nutrition courses. Heck, even as far as traditional forms of Chinese and Indian medicine, and getting certified to teach yoga. Those last ones are certainly not in the immediate future, but for where I am right now, they feel like a positive direction in which to aim my efforts.
I let go of my attachment to Shea. He's not the right partner for me - and I've known that all along - but he's also the complete opposide of Jay, and that held so much appeal. But it was always a struggle... always trying to convince him to consider the life I want... and him always resisting. With Kevin, I can have the kind of life and love and committment I want - at its present level, and growing in the future - and there's no persuasion involved. He wants that life with me, too.
I was forced to let go of my job as a teacher. Hell, I was forced to let go of that twice. And I finally got the message that it's not where I belong. It took awhile, but I'm finally really settling into understanding WHY. I used to believe that my career defining me as a person was OK, that it taking over my whole life and energy and time was acceptable. I've realized I can't live like that. I was burning out and desperately in need of balance. While I have yet to find a new career path in any defined way, I feel very good about finding a job that allows me balance in my life. And that job won't define me. It will pay my bills and allow me to live as I please. Sure, I hope for it to be interesting... but I know what I most need.
I am finally letting go of my irrational resistance (fear?) of joining a gym. I haven't worked out in front of other people since tenth grade gym class. And I hate looking inadequate, clumsy, and not knowing what I'm doing. And even though I knew better, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea that other people could watch me work out, and potentially judge me. Really, a lot of it comes down to the simple fact that when I'm uncomfortable or unfamiliar, I retreat into my home and into myself. There are far too many days when I don't leave the house because I feel poorly about parts of my life. So today I called the YMCA, and tomorrow I'm going down there to officially become a member. This feels like a big step for me - but funny enough, it's actually in several directions... and all of them positive. Sure, there's the gym part of it. I need more routine for a workout. There's also the yoga classes, which I should've been taking a long time ago. The Y is a great community. I remember seeing people come and go when I lived near it, and the conversations made it clear that they only knew each other there, but were supportive and good friends. Plus there is a teen center and plenty of volunteer opportunities, where I can keep the most loved parts of teaching in my life... connecting with kids, tutoring, mentoring... just that spirit that kids have.
In a broader sense, I find myself letting go of ideas that I need to meet some standard of "success" and that I need to be driven and do something grand with myself. There's this strong pull in me toward the simple. Toward "the stuff of life" as I've been calling it. Real life... not constructed values. Sure, academic achievements are good, lucrative careers have some big positives to them, being "driven" can be admirable... but I'm finding myself craving deeper things. Things which are so simple and right in front of us all the time, that it's easy to overlook them. I've been doing a lot of journaling on values and goals, trying to develop some concrete ideas that I can use to choose positive actions... and I keep coming back to things like loving relationships with family and friends and community, feeling at peace with the world around me - socially with people, and physically with the environment, having a healthy and strong mind and body, and a home that is simultaneously peaceful and exciting, that welcomes all the people I care about.
There have been hints of this in my mind all along, of course. Even as a teacher, I sometimes found myself wondering why it mattered if my students could do well in my course - what it *really* had to do with them living a good life. Beyond all the academic justifications, beyond all the rhetoric about developing skills for a successful career... what about LIFE? Where were we teaching them how to really hear another person, how to be loving and kind - including to themselves, how to nourish their bodies with food and exercise (rather than filling it to stave off hunger and striving for an ideal body)...? Where were we teaching them how to slow down and feel, how to handle their feelings, how to be curious and really explore their world with an open mind, how to express their inner selves... hell, how to even feel and hear their inner selves? Where were we teaching them how to handle conflict - especially with loved ones? How to maintain a house, and make it truly a home? How to relax and really take in the joy of a sunny summer afternoon with friends? What it all comes down to, is that while we were pushing all these tests and state-mandated curriculum and skill development... when were my students learning how to be HUMAN?
If I am ever in a "teaching" capacity again, THAT is the direction in which I will work.
I apologize for this rambling going on sooo long. I've just had a lot of mental and emotional movement... and realizing how far I've come this year, and how to put together a new direction and a new plan for myself. One that I can feel good about. And I just needed to share all of that, that I've been sorting through.
Finally, FINALLY, I understand why I have been on this long break from life as I'd planned it. And even though it's taken me a very long time to sort it out, I feel positive momentum buliding to take me into a new phase of my life. And I'm looking forward to it.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And trying to really identify what I want in my life. What things are for the future, what steps I can take toward them... but also what things I could integrate into my life now with relative ease. And by that, I mean slowly, and with lots of effort... but they'd *fit* in my life now and make it significantly better.
See, all along I've had this idea of what my life would be like and what to pursue. And that involved a career in teaching, and *maybe* kids, and definitely a husband... the rest was kind of up in the air. My whole "plan" revolved around my job. As did my sense of who I am and what I'm about. Even when that life began to fall apart - heck, even when it all went to hell - I kept going on that same planned trajectory. Even when I realized it's not what I really want for my life, I kept moving on the same path.
I realized recently that while I was teaching - and simultaneously going through the "Jay Years", as I like to call them now -I was burning out, exhausted and spent... and I kept wishing, even asking, for a break. A break from this life, to just BE, and think, and get myself together. Turns out, I've gotten that break. I don't know why it took me almost a year to notice... but it's been quite a break!
And the break has (finally) made all the difference in how I think and feel about my life, how I'm approaching things. I guess the most concrete example is this: I dropped my summer course and am quitting my Master's program. I was hesitant to quit for so long... continuing on the same path, trying to finish what I'd started. But I started this degree because I *had* to, in order to get the next teaching licence and keep my job. Knowing that teaching isn't right for me, I was still working toward that M.Ed. For what? No reason, really. It serves no purpose for me now. And feeling that way about it just made it that much harder to put energy into the classes.
It's funny... I spent so much time convincing myself that because I enjoy the subject matter of my history courses, it totally made sense to keep going. But when I get to the education courses... what then? And odds are, I'd need a classroom to be able to do some of my assignments in those ed. courses.
I haven't told anyone yet that I quit the course. But if I'm leaving the program, really, why bother? So many people - people who genuinely love me and want the best for me - have seemed relieved in a way that I was continuing the program. When I mentioned to Kevin that I was thinking about dropping, he asked what I'd do with my days without the course, and the whole program in general. It feels like he's going to be disappointed when I tell him I did it.
Inside me, though, there is a perceptible shift. I really feel like this extended break from that life has given me the opportunity to let go of my past attachments, the ones that were holding me back on a path I no longer want. And it feels like this break had to be so long in order for me to keep going, letting go of one thing after another, but no so fast that it felt overwhelming or crazy.
Letting go of that master's program feels big. And I realize that it's something I may later regret. But I'm not giving up on learning altogether... or even getting another degree for that matter. I just have this growing sense that what I'm learning about needs to be something I am interested in, and something that feels useful for my life... something that helps me move toward the life I want. I will probably look into learning a new language, taking some writing workshops, and maybe even some gardening or nutrition courses. Heck, even as far as traditional forms of Chinese and Indian medicine, and getting certified to teach yoga. Those last ones are certainly not in the immediate future, but for where I am right now, they feel like a positive direction in which to aim my efforts.
I let go of my attachment to Shea. He's not the right partner for me - and I've known that all along - but he's also the complete opposide of Jay, and that held so much appeal. But it was always a struggle... always trying to convince him to consider the life I want... and him always resisting. With Kevin, I can have the kind of life and love and committment I want - at its present level, and growing in the future - and there's no persuasion involved. He wants that life with me, too.
I was forced to let go of my job as a teacher. Hell, I was forced to let go of that twice. And I finally got the message that it's not where I belong. It took awhile, but I'm finally really settling into understanding WHY. I used to believe that my career defining me as a person was OK, that it taking over my whole life and energy and time was acceptable. I've realized I can't live like that. I was burning out and desperately in need of balance. While I have yet to find a new career path in any defined way, I feel very good about finding a job that allows me balance in my life. And that job won't define me. It will pay my bills and allow me to live as I please. Sure, I hope for it to be interesting... but I know what I most need.
I am finally letting go of my irrational resistance (fear?) of joining a gym. I haven't worked out in front of other people since tenth grade gym class. And I hate looking inadequate, clumsy, and not knowing what I'm doing. And even though I knew better, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea that other people could watch me work out, and potentially judge me. Really, a lot of it comes down to the simple fact that when I'm uncomfortable or unfamiliar, I retreat into my home and into myself. There are far too many days when I don't leave the house because I feel poorly about parts of my life. So today I called the YMCA, and tomorrow I'm going down there to officially become a member. This feels like a big step for me - but funny enough, it's actually in several directions... and all of them positive. Sure, there's the gym part of it. I need more routine for a workout. There's also the yoga classes, which I should've been taking a long time ago. The Y is a great community. I remember seeing people come and go when I lived near it, and the conversations made it clear that they only knew each other there, but were supportive and good friends. Plus there is a teen center and plenty of volunteer opportunities, where I can keep the most loved parts of teaching in my life... connecting with kids, tutoring, mentoring... just that spirit that kids have.
In a broader sense, I find myself letting go of ideas that I need to meet some standard of "success" and that I need to be driven and do something grand with myself. There's this strong pull in me toward the simple. Toward "the stuff of life" as I've been calling it. Real life... not constructed values. Sure, academic achievements are good, lucrative careers have some big positives to them, being "driven" can be admirable... but I'm finding myself craving deeper things. Things which are so simple and right in front of us all the time, that it's easy to overlook them. I've been doing a lot of journaling on values and goals, trying to develop some concrete ideas that I can use to choose positive actions... and I keep coming back to things like loving relationships with family and friends and community, feeling at peace with the world around me - socially with people, and physically with the environment, having a healthy and strong mind and body, and a home that is simultaneously peaceful and exciting, that welcomes all the people I care about.
There have been hints of this in my mind all along, of course. Even as a teacher, I sometimes found myself wondering why it mattered if my students could do well in my course - what it *really* had to do with them living a good life. Beyond all the academic justifications, beyond all the rhetoric about developing skills for a successful career... what about LIFE? Where were we teaching them how to really hear another person, how to be loving and kind - including to themselves, how to nourish their bodies with food and exercise (rather than filling it to stave off hunger and striving for an ideal body)...? Where were we teaching them how to slow down and feel, how to handle their feelings, how to be curious and really explore their world with an open mind, how to express their inner selves... hell, how to even feel and hear their inner selves? Where were we teaching them how to handle conflict - especially with loved ones? How to maintain a house, and make it truly a home? How to relax and really take in the joy of a sunny summer afternoon with friends? What it all comes down to, is that while we were pushing all these tests and state-mandated curriculum and skill development... when were my students learning how to be HUMAN?
If I am ever in a "teaching" capacity again, THAT is the direction in which I will work.
I apologize for this rambling going on sooo long. I've just had a lot of mental and emotional movement... and realizing how far I've come this year, and how to put together a new direction and a new plan for myself. One that I can feel good about. And I just needed to share all of that, that I've been sorting through.
Finally, FINALLY, I understand why I have been on this long break from life as I'd planned it. And even though it's taken me a very long time to sort it out, I feel positive momentum buliding to take me into a new phase of my life. And I'm looking forward to it.
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