Where Did We Go?

So it seems we've all fallen off the face of the earth a bit. I'm hoping that for you two, it's because you've suddenly found yourselves so busy with exciting adventures there hasn't been time to blog.

For myself, well, it's been the opposite. For the last few weeks I've fallen into an ugly funk. It's like there's this tug-of-war in me. But I only understand one side. I understand the rational side of me... the side that knows what I need and want, is able to verbalize it, make a plan to achieve it... Yet somehow the other side is winning lately. And it's all the more frustrating because that's the side I can't explain - even to myself. It's not rational; it has no words. But it's the side that keeps me sleeping in too late, napping all day, and laying around without any distinct thoughts or feelings. The only word I have to describe it is "blah". It's an overwhelming blah.

I think if I could somehow explain and analyze it, I'd feel better about how to handle it. But my attempts have failed so far. And it's so odd... because I know in my mind what I want, what I need, what will make me feel good - even in the immediate... yet the blah wins and I don't do it. It's stupid really. At times I think I'm just being lazy. And sometimes that may be it. But more often I feel like the blah overtakes everything, and nullifies any logic or feeling of desire that I have.

Needless to say, on the action front, there has been little to none.

I haven't been working out. There are times when my body is crying out for it... a good stretch, a nice strengthening set... but for no real reason, I ignore that urge. I let it pass. Why? I know it would feel good - physically and mentally. My body is *telling* me so clearly that it craves that feeling. I know it will motivate me to get other things done. And yet, no.

I haven't been working on the job search. I am so beyond sick of this boredom. I hate having no purpose, feeling useless... I *want* to get up and go to work in the morning. And the thing is, I know what steps I need to take. I know how to do what needs to be done. Intellectually, I want to do it. But still, I don't.

I have pretty much given up on eating fruits and veggies, and making food for myself. I eat almost exclusively out of boxes from the freezer. I know this was a strong trend for me before.. but it's gotten worse. Yet I think frequently of the farmer's markets opening next month. I have plans to start a porch "garden" for myself sometime very soon - lettuces, herbs, a tomato plant, maybe a few other yummies... And Kathryn is even going to come over and help me with it. I fantasize about baking delicious breads and desserts... I imagine beautiful and healthful meals full of amazing veggies. But that's where it stops. I turn to the freezer, pull out a Lean Cuisine, and press Start on the microwave.

I feel myself hiding. I know getting together with people - friends, especially - feels really good. And I find it motivating. But I've been avoiding people. Yesterday when Kelly got home (around 4pm), I actually closed my bedroom door and crawled under the covers of my bed. I stayed there, sleeping on and off, until well after dark. I didn't come out until I heard her go to bed. And I ask myself: WTF?! Why would I do that? There's no answer. Just the blah. Not even rationalizing it... just, nothing.

And every day lately feels like more of the same. I get to a point each day where I tell myself it's time to get up and do something simple... just to get myself started. And somehow each day I've failed. It defies explanation. Hell, even blogging about it has been beyond possibility until today.

And now that I've done that one little thing, I feel my body calling for a workout. I like that my body has this craving, and I'm going to indulge it now. Hopefully it will lead to more action for the day... the week... toward doing the things that *have* words, feelings, desires, explanations and hope behind them. Hopefully it's one step toward squashing the big blah. Hopefully.