Welcome to Apathy!

No, I didn't not fall off the face of the earth. I am, in fact, alive. If you could call it that.

Gwen pretty much echoed everything I wanted to say in her post the other day...the war between what I know I should do and want to do and what I ACTUALLY do. The logical, rational side of me knows better. It knows that a workout, a good meal, a meaningful job search would each get me out of my funk. Despite that, I can't make myself do it. I just...can't.

Two weeks ago, I was doing okay. I organized all my fitness info I've collected from magazines and put serious effort into to getting outside for workouts (running, walking) as well as some strength training.

Then "Aunt Flo" made her visit and totally messed me up. I'm convinced I have Post-Menstrual Syndrome. All my cravings, emotions, etc happen after and I lose all interest in doing anything.

Of course, I can only blame PMS for so long, you know? I felt better on Friday, too. Movie and dinner with Ana and then a night out with my friend Rachel...it was a top, top day. It was so good that I didn't put any effort into making subsequent days awesome...maybe because I knew I couldn't by comparison? Whatever. I was lazy. LAZY. And I have been ever since.

It's like...my logical side knows that I should get up in the morning and do...stuff. Then I think 'why bother' because there is no reason to get up before noon. NONE. I have nothing to do, nowhere I have to be. As a result, I don't think I've been up for noon in about a week. Yesterday was the first time I went anywhere in as many days. To the dentist of all places! I ran a couple errands too.

But since I sleep in late, I'm up late. I don't fall asleep until 1 or 2 and then I sleep in again. Today I blame the drugs. I took a serious pain killer last night for the post-root canal tramua and it messed me up. Weird dreams, stomach is funny and I'm just blaaaaah.

How did I get here? How do I get back on track? I've thought about going to see my therapist dude but...I fear the progress I make in session will disappear the minute I walk through by door. I've thought about talking to my doctor about my meds but I don't think they are the problem either. I've considered reading a book about the subject but considering and actually doing is where I get stuck on everything, including trying to fix the getting stuck problem in the first place. Ugh. So frustrating.

On the positive side, I did actually go for a run on Monday night. It's still light out at 8 here, enough that I can get a mile in. And since I don't do anything, I'm eating less. Truthfully, the eating isn't high on my list of failures right now. I have some good foods and my Special K red berries cereal and not a lot of snacks so it's okay. Next week will be Week 4 since I heard from the IRS so I should be hearing from them again soon. Tonight I'm meeting my parents to go grocery shopping for the weekend at the lake and I will get some flowers for the balcony to go with the herbs I'm growing. I'm going to get my mom's Mother's Day present too. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house. Eventually I need to vaccuum but I have done the dishes EVERY DAY despite my funk. No dishwasher, no leaving them sit. They get washed. That's the one thing I can count on my self to accomplish.

Tomorrow, I intend to go to yoga at noon and then hit the road to head up north. I'll be better once I get up there. Lots to do...see fam, bar bingo, ride 4-wheeler, shoot guns, fish, play games. My brother, two of his roommates and the two dogs are coming on Friday so we'll have a full house. I'm confident I will get up in the A.M. since I rarely sleep past 8 up there. I will get outside and get fresh air. I don't know what it is but I'm better when I'm there. I'm just hoping I can carry that back down here on Sunday.

Gwen, it sounds like you've had a positive day and have good plans for tonight. I have yet to get to a Twins game. I hope you get your workout in; you've inspired me to fit a quick something in before I shower and meet the 'rents. Actually, my friend Rachel and I are going to try and "get ripped" this summer. Starting later this month, we want to get together twice a week to workout and I have no doubt she will kick my ass.

Here's some food for thought...do you think our blah issues are a because we demand too much from ourselves? I know personally I'm really hard on myself but sometimes I think I'm not hard enough OR that I'm expecting a minimum of effort and I can't even manage that. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm still asking too much and that's why I can never live up to my own expectations and I fail. Possible?