Took Me All Day...

To do ONE of the things on my list. I was so close to not doing any of them. I don't really know what I was thinking. And the thing is, it wasn't the feeling overwhelmed and zoning out of the world until the day disappears thing - like is has so many times in the past. Today it was very conscious. A deliberate choice to sit my ass on the couch with a blanket and catch up on what the DVR had recorded the last few days. WTF?!

I had a desire to get up and work out. I knew I needed to. I knew how good it would feel. I knew I didn't want to have to post that I did nothing today. Heh. One of the shows I watched was last night's Biggest Loser - and one of the contestants now weighs less than I do. And there's still eight people on it! That felt like a kick in the pants for me. Except... for no rational reason, I chose to continue with my ass planted through another couple hours of shows. And while I was sitting there, I was just like, why am I here? Why am I not working out? I want to. I need to. I am able to. What is stopping me. And the answer is so simple its infuriating: I just wasn't doing what I needed/wanted to do. Straight up lazy. God, I frustrate myself sometimes.

Finally, though, I was just fed up with my inner monologue, and trying to silence it. I hadn't showered yet because I was putting it off till after my workout. But before I go to Kevin's for LOST, a shower would be needed. So finally at 7pm I pulled myself up, lit some candles, rolled out my mat and put in the freaking DVD. And it kicked my ass. And I sweated up a storm. And my muscles shook. And now, after a shower, I feel good.

What was I putting off? Feeling like I can do what I need and want to do? That's ridiculous behavior. I want to remember how baffling and aggravated I am with that side of me that stayed on the couch so long today. Because there's no point in doing anything that side of me wants to do. That is the side that doesn't want good things for me... and you know what? I don't want it anymore.

Anyway, didn't do the walk or job stuff I said I would do today. But I will try again tomorrow. And it will not take me until it's dark outside to move my ass. As of now, all three intentions for tomorrow are the same as I posted for today. Walk, pilates/yoga dvd, and cover letters done. I'm calling myself out here. It's good that today I felt like my actions were entirely deliberate, and my own choice. But I made the wrong choice for too many hours.