Atrophy of Life

I apologize for being MIA for so long. I actually wrote this post earlier today (Tuesday) but apparently hit “save” and not “post” so you aren’t getting it until now.

The weekend went as expected…some work and too much fun (and booze) and no time to blog. I never even had a chance to nap! I made it back to my apartment around 10pm on Sunday and I went to bed soon after. I knew I would sleep well and for a long time but I thought I was ready to start a new week. I was wrong.
I woke up yesterday morning with no energy and no interest in doing anything but sleep. I
figured as long as I made it to cycle class at 6:30 I could be lazy. I never made it to class. I didn’t think I had the energy or the focus to get to the gym and give it my all. Instead, I showered and then spent much of the day asleep in bed or on the couch…tired, distracted and feeling like I could cry (but I didn’t). I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and I was asleep before 11.

Before I went to bed, I made a list of things I wanted to get done on Tuesday (including noon yoga) in an effort to motivate myself and not repeat Monday. It didn’t work. I had breakfast around 10. Napped, read, skipped yoga. Now I’m blogging. I still have no desire to do anything. I don’t really want to sleep but doing so allows me to hide from the world and time goes by faster. I’m still in this emotional funk that I can’t explain.

I have things to do. Things I need to get. The weather looks nice. I just…don’t care. And I don’t know what my problem is. I was great last week and fine this weekend; my circumstances haven’t changed a bit since. I don’t think I’m succumbing to the IT you’ve both spoken of, mostly because my anti-IT drugs have worked thus far and I’m still taking them and I know if I work PAST the bad, they do what they are supposed to do.

Perhaps it’s that my weekend was too much fun and I can’t handle the letdown of my empty everyday life? Maybe it’s because I have nothing planned in the near future, nothing to look forward to that I’m anxious to make the boring time pass quickly? Because I have no commitments that I think it’s okay to do nothing? Or is it because everyone I know works all day and has their life to deal with at night that I’m lonely? Could it be because I’ve figured out that if I don’t do anything I won’t be hungry so I don’t have to eat and feel guilty?

This feels like bizarre universe and I don’t like it one bit. If I could hit myself to knock me back into reality, I would. Alas, I’m going to go shower and see if I can get myself out the door to do…something.