Just Another Manic... Oh, Wait - WASTED - Monday

So, it's 2:15pm. I'm still unshowered and in PJs. I managed to force myself out of bed around 10:30. Ate some breakfast, put contacts in, drank a cup of coffee (alas, the last cup of coffee I can make until I get to a store). And then I fell into lump on the couch mode, half napping, half watching CNN. (Um, yeah, in my comment to Ana's post about how I have somewhat lessened time spent couch surfing with tv, that was mostly about nighttime tv. I neglected to mention my afternoon CNN habit. Which is not on DVR. And often leads to naps. Hmm...)

Oh, and while coffee was brewing this morning, I did look at a dozen or so job posting sites - and this week I see several new Editorial Assistant positions posted. I'm kind of psyched! I need to go over my resume, tweak it for these particular companies, and get those apps out! MUST DO! I figure, putting my intention of applying out there to other people, hopefully it'll make me DO it. And soon. I am saying so here, and on Facebook - and I have to say, I'm loving how FB lets people so easily offer encouragement from far away. :-) It feels good to have that.

So, one productive step, and a lot of laziness so far today. It's raining... still... so I'm probably not going out for a walk today. But I'm feeling antsy, so maybe I will break out a pilates dvd or something. Yes yes, I intend to do some pilates and yoga today. So now it's out there for you to see, and it means if I do or don't, I'll have to say so later. Sometimes I find it's just a matter of someone besides myself knowing that motivates me to do a little more. (Then again, sometimes it just offers someone else's understanding when I don't. Heh.)

Something big I've been thinking about lately.... the conflict between what I say I believe in and value and want, versus my actions. Some of it is "If I want to be healthier, why don't I exercise more?" But some of it is much bigger... like, I am a big believer in social responsibility and community service. I have even dedicated time and effort to emphasizing their importance to students in my classroom, teaching them they NEED to get out and take care of the world around them. Yet I have not behaved like these are important in my own life. I've not put enough effort into my job search, and spent large portions of the last months sitting on my ass collecting unemployment from the government - from taxpayers in my community (however local or large that community may be). I have not volunteered anywhere during this time, like I said I would. I have not actually performed any acts of community service in a long time. I look back at ASP a lot lately, and think of how amazing an experience that was. But not how to put some of that in my current life.

I guess what it comes down to, is I don't have a clear set of articulated values, and those things that I claim to believe in are blatantly undermined by my actions/inactions. This is something I have tried NOT to think about. This is something I certainly need challenging on, to keep it in my mind. Because it causes me deep discomfort. If I'm ultimately seeking to lead a fulfilling life, aligned with my values and beliefs, I am not currently on that path. And I will not find satisfaction in continuing to live in ways I believe are incorrect.

I bring this up because it's something I need you to call me out on sometimes. As I write about what I do and what I want, if you see a conflict, please bring it up. When it seems like I'm burying or justifying something that is out of line with the "me" that you know, please bring it up. I'm very aware that I'm not JUST on a quest for a job and a thinner body. There's a lot more to it. And it's all interconnected. Lately I've found that I not only lack clear values, but clear goals, a clear sense of identity... and continuing on that path isn't going to work for me. I'm not someone who is especially comfortable being called out and challenged, but it's something I need. Really need. To keep these uncomfortable conflicts within myself - and the questions that inherently go along with them - as part of my conscious conversation with myself as I work to get out of this muddy hole I find myself lost in.

I'm hoping not to mire my writing too much in the deeper soul-searching issues... as that gets me nowhere. (And can be annoying, I'm aware, for you and for me.) In fact, what I hope this blog can help me with is a greater focus on taking action, and making things happen and change for myself. But as I write about actions I do or don't take, the deeper conflicts are definitely something I need to deal with.

OK, intentions for the rest of my day laid out: I will work out with a pilates dvd and a yoga dvd. I will get my resume ready for these Editorial Assistant jobs. Sure, I've got some other goals in there as well for my day, but these are the pertinent ones. The ones that I must report on later, whether I step up or fall down.