An Honest Beginning

Ha, well, OK so this is not the beginning of anything new except writing with you here.

Job - I've been unemployed for eight months now. I was not rehired at the end of the last school year (and given enough time, I've come to see I really didn't belong there anyway). Basically that led to a whole lot of feeling lost, wondering if I should really be a teacher, given that in two years I was let go from two teaching jobs - and dramatically different ones, at that. All the introspection and feeling depressed over it all... and general dissatisfaction with my life... well, it combined with all my free time, my natural tendency toward sleep and laziness, and... while I have been looking at job postings all along, most of the time assessing whether I was qualified, interested, or whatever by them... OK, here's the big ugly - I didn't actually, seriously apply to anything I could get or want until last week. Damn. That's bad.

Over the last few months I've been slowly trying to put some pieces together for myself that will be a good support system and help me do the things I need and want to do... because so often I don't. I'm making moves with my money to make life a little easier, to protect myself, and in general just not be stupid anymore. I finally (after how many years of pretending to look) got myself a regular therapist. I've - slowly but surely - tackled some of the silly projects I was always putting off... you know, cleaning out the clutter of life. I'm even feeling almost ready to get rid of my teaching stuff. Wow. Now that will be a big one - both in sheer quantity of stuff, and lifting an emotional load. We'll see how soon that one happens, though. I'm not pressuring myself to do it anytime soon... then again, I could decide to do it this afternoon. Heh. Sometimes I just don't know.

Anyway, the positive job note: I did finally apply for a truly good position as Associate Editor for a social studies project for Pearson Education. I see publishing as a viable career for me, and this would be a near-perfect transition piece, taking the work experience I have in a whole new direction. And I put some small pieces of additional job progress on my to-do list for this week: apply to at least two more jobs (good ones, if I can find some), email my references just to keep in touch, and research some people who have jobs I might someday want, and who I might try to meet with just to learn how they got there and what advice they have. So, fingers crossed that I get myself to do those things.

OK, fitness/health - Ha! What fitness? I sleep a ridiculous amount... at least ten hours a day, and I take naps almost daily as well. I have no sleep schedule at all (hence the absurd time stamp on this post). I go back and forth between eating total crap - getting pizza or chinese food delivered - and eating fairly decent food. I've been on a lean cuisine kick. They make convenient and easy options. (Not that I need those qualities with so much time on my hands, but I don't often muster up the energy to really prepare an involved meal.) I also have enjoyed a few salads or veggie-ful wraps lately. Of course, this is when I actually eat a meal. I have no regular eating schedule. I snack a lot. Instead of planning ahead, or taking time to prepare something - which I do actually really enjoy - I just grab whatever's fast and easy.

Oh, and I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I hesitate to post numbers, simply because what the numbers actually mean varies so much from person to person... though, if you want, I can post it next time. I don't work out. Hell, I dont' leave the house most days. And even though I profess to love yoga... and I read magazines and books and websites about it all the time, I rarely get on my mat.

OK, enough rambling. This is where I am now. I feel like I've started to make some important changes to my life - and this blog can only help - so that positive progress is coming. All of my "issues" really, come down to some very basic questions with answers I can't quite grasp yet. I realized I don't really have goals for myself anymore. I don't know how to identify myself anymore, especially now that I've given up "teacher" as the first definition of who I am. I don't know why I don't do things that I need to do, want to do, even like to do. I do know that I'm exploring the answers, and that pursuit is intertwined with how I learn to care for myself, and finally figure out how to stand strong on my own.