Warning: Long Rambling Ahead

So my so-called rededication didn't really take. Blah. Whatever.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And trying to really identify what I want in my life. What things are for the future, what steps I can take toward them... but also what things I could integrate into my life now with relative ease. And by that, I mean slowly, and with lots of effort... but they'd *fit* in my life now and make it significantly better.

See, all along I've had this idea of what my life would be like and what to pursue. And that involved a career in teaching, and *maybe* kids, and definitely a husband... the rest was kind of up in the air. My whole "plan" revolved around my job. As did my sense of who I am and what I'm about. Even when that life began to fall apart - heck, even when it all went to hell - I kept going on that same planned trajectory. Even when I realized it's not what I really want for my life, I kept moving on the same path.

I realized recently that while I was teaching - and simultaneously going through the "Jay Years", as I like to call them now -I was burning out, exhausted and spent... and I kept wishing, even asking, for a break. A break from this life, to just BE, and think, and get myself together. Turns out, I've gotten that break. I don't know why it took me almost a year to notice... but it's been quite a break!

And the break has (finally) made all the difference in how I think and feel about my life, how I'm approaching things. I guess the most concrete example is this: I dropped my summer course and am quitting my Master's program. I was hesitant to quit for so long... continuing on the same path, trying to finish what I'd started. But I started this degree because I *had* to, in order to get the next teaching licence and keep my job. Knowing that teaching isn't right for me, I was still working toward that M.Ed. For what? No reason, really. It serves no purpose for me now. And feeling that way about it just made it that much harder to put energy into the classes.

It's funny... I spent so much time convincing myself that because I enjoy the subject matter of my history courses, it totally made sense to keep going. But when I get to the education courses... what then? And odds are, I'd need a classroom to be able to do some of my assignments in those ed. courses.

I haven't told anyone yet that I quit the course. But if I'm leaving the program, really, why bother? So many people - people who genuinely love me and want the best for me - have seemed relieved in a way that I was continuing the program. When I mentioned to Kevin that I was thinking about dropping, he asked what I'd do with my days without the course, and the whole program in general. It feels like he's going to be disappointed when I tell him I did it.

Inside me, though, there is a perceptible shift. I really feel like this extended break from that life has given me the opportunity to let go of my past attachments, the ones that were holding me back on a path I no longer want. And it feels like this break had to be so long in order for me to keep going, letting go of one thing after another, but no so fast that it felt overwhelming or crazy.

Letting go of that master's program feels big. And I realize that it's something I may later regret. But I'm not giving up on learning altogether... or even getting another degree for that matter. I just have this growing sense that what I'm learning about needs to be something I am interested in, and something that feels useful for my life... something that helps me move toward the life I want. I will probably look into learning a new language, taking some writing workshops, and maybe even some gardening or nutrition courses. Heck, even as far as traditional forms of Chinese and Indian medicine, and getting certified to teach yoga. Those last ones are certainly not in the immediate future, but for where I am right now, they feel like a positive direction in which to aim my efforts.

I let go of my attachment to Shea. He's not the right partner for me - and I've known that all along - but he's also the complete opposide of Jay, and that held so much appeal. But it was always a struggle... always trying to convince him to consider the life I want... and him always resisting. With Kevin, I can have the kind of life and love and committment I want - at its present level, and growing in the future - and there's no persuasion involved. He wants that life with me, too.

I was forced to let go of my job as a teacher. Hell, I was forced to let go of that twice. And I finally got the message that it's not where I belong. It took awhile, but I'm finally really settling into understanding WHY. I used to believe that my career defining me as a person was OK, that it taking over my whole life and energy and time was acceptable. I've realized I can't live like that. I was burning out and desperately in need of balance. While I have yet to find a new career path in any defined way, I feel very good about finding a job that allows me balance in my life. And that job won't define me. It will pay my bills and allow me to live as I please. Sure, I hope for it to be interesting... but I know what I most need.

I am finally letting go of my irrational resistance (fear?) of joining a gym. I haven't worked out in front of other people since tenth grade gym class. And I hate looking inadequate, clumsy, and not knowing what I'm doing. And even though I knew better, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea that other people could watch me work out, and potentially judge me. Really, a lot of it comes down to the simple fact that when I'm uncomfortable or unfamiliar, I retreat into my home and into myself. There are far too many days when I don't leave the house because I feel poorly about parts of my life. So today I called the YMCA, and tomorrow I'm going down there to officially become a member. This feels like a big step for me - but funny enough, it's actually in several directions... and all of them positive. Sure, there's the gym part of it. I need more routine for a workout. There's also the yoga classes, which I should've been taking a long time ago. The Y is a great community. I remember seeing people come and go when I lived near it, and the conversations made it clear that they only knew each other there, but were supportive and good friends. Plus there is a teen center and plenty of volunteer opportunities, where I can keep the most loved parts of teaching in my life... connecting with kids, tutoring, mentoring... just that spirit that kids have.

In a broader sense, I find myself letting go of ideas that I need to meet some standard of "success" and that I need to be driven and do something grand with myself. There's this strong pull in me toward the simple. Toward "the stuff of life" as I've been calling it. Real life... not constructed values. Sure, academic achievements are good, lucrative careers have some big positives to them, being "driven" can be admirable... but I'm finding myself craving deeper things. Things which are so simple and right in front of us all the time, that it's easy to overlook them. I've been doing a lot of journaling on values and goals, trying to develop some concrete ideas that I can use to choose positive actions... and I keep coming back to things like loving relationships with family and friends and community, feeling at peace with the world around me - socially with people, and physically with the environment, having a healthy and strong mind and body, and a home that is simultaneously peaceful and exciting, that welcomes all the people I care about.

There have been hints of this in my mind all along, of course. Even as a teacher, I sometimes found myself wondering why it mattered if my students could do well in my course - what it *really* had to do with them living a good life. Beyond all the academic justifications, beyond all the rhetoric about developing skills for a successful career... what about LIFE? Where were we teaching them how to really hear another person, how to be loving and kind - including to themselves, how to nourish their bodies with food and exercise (rather than filling it to stave off hunger and striving for an ideal body)...? Where were we teaching them how to slow down and feel, how to handle their feelings, how to be curious and really explore their world with an open mind, how to express their inner selves... hell, how to even feel and hear their inner selves? Where were we teaching them how to handle conflict - especially with loved ones? How to maintain a house, and make it truly a home? How to relax and really take in the joy of a sunny summer afternoon with friends? What it all comes down to, is that while we were pushing all these tests and state-mandated curriculum and skill development... when were my students learning how to be HUMAN?

If I am ever in a "teaching" capacity again, THAT is the direction in which I will work.

I apologize for this rambling going on sooo long. I've just had a lot of mental and emotional movement... and realizing how far I've come this year, and how to put together a new direction and a new plan for myself. One that I can feel good about. And I just needed to share all of that, that I've been sorting through.

Finally, FINALLY, I understand why I have been on this long break from life as I'd planned it. And even though it's taken me a very long time to sort it out, I feel positive momentum buliding to take me into a new phase of my life. And I'm looking forward to it.