So the two day temp job has now turned into a 1-3 month temp job. Hooray! I'm in the accounting office of Keurig - that fancy little single cup coffee maker company. The people there are all really nice... and of course, all the coffee I want during the day is free. Plus, since Kelly has a Keurig at home, I can snag some K-cups to bring home as well. Hehe.
And on a related note... I've now had a phone interview and taken a computer skills test for a job at the Tufts-run USDA research center. And I'm scheduled to go in this coming Friday to interview in person - with four different people, all in separate interviews... and now I'm actually up for two different positions there. Both are administrative assistant type work... just in two different offices. Apparently they think I'd be good for either job, so I get to interview with the bosses for both of them. So hopefully that means I'll get hired there!
On the fitness front... well, I've had mixed success, but I did get my arse up twice to go to the gym before work - yes, *before* work! - and felt just awesome both days. Those were also the nights that I slept at Kevin's house. The nights I slept at home I couldn't get myself up early enough. I think it's because he knows I want to get up and go, and just him being there motivates me to get up and do it. Even though he doesn't get up... just knowing that he knows... it helps. Although, it's not like I hide that I didn't make it the other days... but I guess in the moment it's that little push I need. This week my goal is to make it all four days. That means getting up about 5am. Which seems crazy to do voluntarily... especially when I hated it so much as a teacher.
There's just something about having a schedule that feels really good. And actually working during the week... it makes the weekend all that much more relaxing and fun! Hehe. Not that I didn't know this before... but it's different when you're teaching. Work always comes home with you. Even though accounting is by no means exciting... I love that it stays at the office.
I can feel a positive momentum building. I'm trying not to get too excited, or get my hopes up too high. But it feels sooo good to sense that finally some things are working my way. And if I'm lucky, it will continue.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I Get To Go To Work Tomorrow!
OK, it sounds a lot more exciting than it really is... but still. I have to get up and go to work for the first time in over 14 months. It's something different to look forward to.
It's just a two day temp job, Friday and Monday. According to my agency guy I'll be "filing my face off". He said something about moving files from one place to another and organizing them... and then Monday reorganizing them and moving them back to the first place. Hrm... But hey, it'll pay me a little bit (all of $11/hr... ooh la la). And it's a step in the right direction, at least. And if I want, it can be something current to add to my resume. (Though I may wait until there's a second temp position before I do that... we'll see. Depends what I actually end up *doing* at this assignment.)
In other news on the job front, I had a phone interview on Tuesday. And feel pretty positive about it. I'll know sometime next week if I'm one of the finalists being called for an in-person interview. And he guaranteed I'll hear from him one way or another... which I certainly appreciate. Limbo is far worse than knowing I didn't get something. This interview was for an Assistant to the Director position at a nutrition research lab run by Tufts and funded by the USDA. Not a dream job necessarily... but it sounds like a pretty good job at least. I'd get experience in the education/research program management arena and would get to develop special projects for myself in helping to run the center, and the boss seems like a good guy to work for.
I've also been seeing more interesting openings posted in other areas... a few good ones at Harvard (including a center for educational research to improve teaching and learning)... and some textbook publishing openings again as well (including content writing and editorial assistant jobs for some social studies materials).
On other fronts... meh. Not so much progress to speak of. I still have not been to the gym. Especially bad since the month is about to end... and I haven't gone at all this month. Argh. I have not done any yoga or pilates DVDs at home either. While there have certainly been fresh vegetables in my diet, there's also been an awful lot of cheese. And pizza. Oh the pizza. And chinese food delivered. OK, that was only once recently... but still. I'm still eating WAY too much... eating out of boredom, eating out of habit, eating because it's there, buying more food because I'm not paying attention to what I already have, eating mindlessly... My brain has basically been shut off. All of this is NOT going to add up to me subtracting pounds. Not good. Hopefully getting my arse up for work in the morning will spur on a weekend involving some kind of physical activity and smaller portions.
For now, laundry, vaccuuming, litter box cleaning... and enjoying the gorgeously cool weather that has finally descended upon us.
It's just a two day temp job, Friday and Monday. According to my agency guy I'll be "filing my face off". He said something about moving files from one place to another and organizing them... and then Monday reorganizing them and moving them back to the first place. Hrm... But hey, it'll pay me a little bit (all of $11/hr... ooh la la). And it's a step in the right direction, at least. And if I want, it can be something current to add to my resume. (Though I may wait until there's a second temp position before I do that... we'll see. Depends what I actually end up *doing* at this assignment.)
In other news on the job front, I had a phone interview on Tuesday. And feel pretty positive about it. I'll know sometime next week if I'm one of the finalists being called for an in-person interview. And he guaranteed I'll hear from him one way or another... which I certainly appreciate. Limbo is far worse than knowing I didn't get something. This interview was for an Assistant to the Director position at a nutrition research lab run by Tufts and funded by the USDA. Not a dream job necessarily... but it sounds like a pretty good job at least. I'd get experience in the education/research program management arena and would get to develop special projects for myself in helping to run the center, and the boss seems like a good guy to work for.
I've also been seeing more interesting openings posted in other areas... a few good ones at Harvard (including a center for educational research to improve teaching and learning)... and some textbook publishing openings again as well (including content writing and editorial assistant jobs for some social studies materials).
On other fronts... meh. Not so much progress to speak of. I still have not been to the gym. Especially bad since the month is about to end... and I haven't gone at all this month. Argh. I have not done any yoga or pilates DVDs at home either. While there have certainly been fresh vegetables in my diet, there's also been an awful lot of cheese. And pizza. Oh the pizza. And chinese food delivered. OK, that was only once recently... but still. I'm still eating WAY too much... eating out of boredom, eating out of habit, eating because it's there, buying more food because I'm not paying attention to what I already have, eating mindlessly... My brain has basically been shut off. All of this is NOT going to add up to me subtracting pounds. Not good. Hopefully getting my arse up for work in the morning will spur on a weekend involving some kind of physical activity and smaller portions.
For now, laundry, vaccuuming, litter box cleaning... and enjoying the gorgeously cool weather that has finally descended upon us.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Slipping Back In
I'm worried that I'm slipping back into that big, ugly BLAH fog. The one that keeps me at home, that slows my thoughts, that wastes time, that holds me lazily to the bed or couch... and generally stands in the way of LIFE. I am not a fan. When I have the mental capacity to really think about it, that is.
That's not to say I've been doing nothing, entirely. I did visit a couple of good grocery venues this week: the Arlington Farmers' Market and Wilson Farm in Lexington. I haven't been to Wilson's in, wow, almost a year. Pathetic, really. Sure, it's not quite as close as any old grocery store... but it's so vastly superior it's almost laughable to shop anywhere else for most items. I don't know what I was thinking. Or, rather, I wasn't thinking.
I hate falling into this mode. It's not living... it's just... Honestly, I don't know what it is. But it sucks. I haven't done any yoga. I haven't been to the gym at all this month - and it's the 22nd already! I've been eating some good veggies (from aforementioned farm sources), but "balancing" them with plenty of crap that pretends to be food. I have put only limited effort into the job hunt... although there weren't too many interesting new openings anyway. I haven't been cleaning the house. Hell, I haven't even fully unpacked or done laundry from my trip out to the Midwest. And even worse, I've been neglecting the litter box. Gross, I know.
On the positive side, I have at least been getting together with friends. In the last week I've seen Courtenay at her housewarming party, Kevin and I had dinner with Nate and his brother and girlfriend, went out with other friends to a bar, visited famers' market and appliance store with Kathryn, hung out a couple times with Mark... and of course there's been a fair amount of time with Kevin. For so long it was a habit to stay home alone... and while I'm still doing more of that than I'd like, it's becoming much more habit to get out and see people. One part of making my life better and easier that's been taking hold... thankfully.
In the slipping, though, I've still seen more TV in the last few days than I care to admit. Sure, there were a couple of premiers this week that I would make time to see in even the busiest of weeks (Project Runway and Making Over America w/ Trinny & Susannah, anyone!?). But there were also hours of CNN, HGTV, and blankly staring at overnight news because my brain wouldn't process anything but wouldn't sleep either.
OK, enough writing about it for now. I need to get off my ass and do something productive. I know, at 3am? I somehow managed to waste most of the day vegging or napping... so I'm wide awake. I'm hoping to just stay up until tomorrow night so I can fall asleep at some reasonable hour. And if I can manage to stay busy, it should work. So cleaning up, laundry, and making plans for daytime Saturday... I need to take the spurts of motivation as they come, to see if I can parlay them into something more sustained and healthy. God, I hope so.
Wish me luck!
That's not to say I've been doing nothing, entirely. I did visit a couple of good grocery venues this week: the Arlington Farmers' Market and Wilson Farm in Lexington. I haven't been to Wilson's in, wow, almost a year. Pathetic, really. Sure, it's not quite as close as any old grocery store... but it's so vastly superior it's almost laughable to shop anywhere else for most items. I don't know what I was thinking. Or, rather, I wasn't thinking.
I hate falling into this mode. It's not living... it's just... Honestly, I don't know what it is. But it sucks. I haven't done any yoga. I haven't been to the gym at all this month - and it's the 22nd already! I've been eating some good veggies (from aforementioned farm sources), but "balancing" them with plenty of crap that pretends to be food. I have put only limited effort into the job hunt... although there weren't too many interesting new openings anyway. I haven't been cleaning the house. Hell, I haven't even fully unpacked or done laundry from my trip out to the Midwest. And even worse, I've been neglecting the litter box. Gross, I know.
On the positive side, I have at least been getting together with friends. In the last week I've seen Courtenay at her housewarming party, Kevin and I had dinner with Nate and his brother and girlfriend, went out with other friends to a bar, visited famers' market and appliance store with Kathryn, hung out a couple times with Mark... and of course there's been a fair amount of time with Kevin. For so long it was a habit to stay home alone... and while I'm still doing more of that than I'd like, it's becoming much more habit to get out and see people. One part of making my life better and easier that's been taking hold... thankfully.
In the slipping, though, I've still seen more TV in the last few days than I care to admit. Sure, there were a couple of premiers this week that I would make time to see in even the busiest of weeks (Project Runway and Making Over America w/ Trinny & Susannah, anyone!?). But there were also hours of CNN, HGTV, and blankly staring at overnight news because my brain wouldn't process anything but wouldn't sleep either.
OK, enough writing about it for now. I need to get off my ass and do something productive. I know, at 3am? I somehow managed to waste most of the day vegging or napping... so I'm wide awake. I'm hoping to just stay up until tomorrow night so I can fall asleep at some reasonable hour. And if I can manage to stay busy, it should work. So cleaning up, laundry, and making plans for daytime Saturday... I need to take the spurts of motivation as they come, to see if I can parlay them into something more sustained and healthy. God, I hope so.
Wish me luck!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Things That Need Work. As In, Actual Effort.
In the five days that have passed since I returned from the Midwest vacation:
I have gained a few pounds. I am officially 180 lbs now. Ugh.
I have not been to the gym.
I have not rolled out my yoga mat, or (even worse) thought about rolling it out.
I have slept excessively long hours almost every night/day.
I have not called any family members or friends. I have not even returned calls.
I have not applied for any new jobs.
I have not eaten a salad, despite the fact that my lettuces were ready for harvesting when I got home.
I neglected to water my plants for four days straight, not knowing how long it had been since Kelly watered them, and ignoring the fact that it was pushing 90 degrees.
I killed my lettuces.
I went to the mall and spent far too much money on things I don't need.
I have hidden inside my air conditioned bedroom for two days straight.
I have watched WAY too many hours of television.
I have played a ridiculous number of hours of stupid online games.
I have sat on the chair in front of my computer so long that my butt hurts.
Somehow, though, I feel positive. I'm not sure why, but it's good to feel good.
I have emailed my contact at the staffing agency.
I have emailed the lady who wanted to interview me in hopes that I can still go talk to her.
I have (finally) launched my own personal blog, dealing with things outside the scope of this blog, in hopes of developing my writing skills, ability to accept and understand myself, examine my direction, etc...
I suppose the small good list is truly reason enough to feel positive. But it doesn't erase the long list of things I should do, want to do, need to do, and haven't been doing.
Remedies in the works for my Tuesday:
I will get up before noon, regardless of what time I fall asleep tonight.
I will visit the mall to return some of the unnecessary items.
I will roll out my yoga mat, and practice.
I hope to also visit the gym for treadmill and weights. (But we'll see. Tomorrow is going to be the hottest day we've had all summer.)
I will sit in a comfortable chair and read a book. (Sidenote: I'm reading A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg, and it's fantastic! A collection of her memories and life influences - largely about food - and recipies, too!)
I will visit Trader Joe's to buy salad greens and other healthy, simple fare.
It's not everything, but it's a start!
I have gained a few pounds. I am officially 180 lbs now. Ugh.
I have not been to the gym.
I have not rolled out my yoga mat, or (even worse) thought about rolling it out.
I have slept excessively long hours almost every night/day.
I have not called any family members or friends. I have not even returned calls.
I have not applied for any new jobs.
I have not eaten a salad, despite the fact that my lettuces were ready for harvesting when I got home.
I neglected to water my plants for four days straight, not knowing how long it had been since Kelly watered them, and ignoring the fact that it was pushing 90 degrees.
I killed my lettuces.
I went to the mall and spent far too much money on things I don't need.
I have hidden inside my air conditioned bedroom for two days straight.
I have watched WAY too many hours of television.
I have played a ridiculous number of hours of stupid online games.
I have sat on the chair in front of my computer so long that my butt hurts.
Somehow, though, I feel positive. I'm not sure why, but it's good to feel good.
I have emailed my contact at the staffing agency.
I have emailed the lady who wanted to interview me in hopes that I can still go talk to her.
I have (finally) launched my own personal blog, dealing with things outside the scope of this blog, in hopes of developing my writing skills, ability to accept and understand myself, examine my direction, etc...
I suppose the small good list is truly reason enough to feel positive. But it doesn't erase the long list of things I should do, want to do, need to do, and haven't been doing.
Remedies in the works for my Tuesday:
I will get up before noon, regardless of what time I fall asleep tonight.
I will visit the mall to return some of the unnecessary items.
I will roll out my yoga mat, and practice.
I hope to also visit the gym for treadmill and weights. (But we'll see. Tomorrow is going to be the hottest day we've had all summer.)
I will sit in a comfortable chair and read a book. (Sidenote: I'm reading A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg, and it's fantastic! A collection of her memories and life influences - largely about food - and recipies, too!)
I will visit Trader Joe's to buy salad greens and other healthy, simple fare.
It's not everything, but it's a start!
Time to Come Back
Unplanned hiatus, I guess. Not that I haven't had the urge to write, or things to write about, for that matter. Somewhere between travel, actually putting serious energy into the job search, and just being I've been a neglectful blogger. That said, hello again world!
The Gathering of the Vibes festival = awesomely relaxing and fun. Massive rainstorms the first day created the requisite muddy field for festival-goers to dance in. There was a point on the second day, listening to JJ Grey & Mofro, when Kevin looked over at me and said I looked miserable. At first I was annoyed... and then I realized that I'd been standing there, barely moving aside from flinches every time mud or beverages were spashed on me, clenching my jaw, and looking around at all of "them" - the people around me enjoying the show. He was right... I was acting like I was miserable. And for what? His simple act of pointing out the expression on my face created an amazing inner shift. I wore clothes that could get dirty (and subsequently washed). The music - though I'd never before heard this band - was fantastic. No one around us was being rude or outrageous... they were just letting the music take them over, and having FUN. So it only made sense that I, too, should forget all my stupid little worries, let go of whatever unrelated thoughts trailed through my mind, and just ENJOY my surroundings. And I did. I must say, the rest of the weekend felt wonderful.
Coming home from that, I felt recharched, energized, and truly ready to find that good job for myself. I scoured site after site, discovered new sites, filed a grillion applications, and finally contacted two temp agencies (though only one got back to me). I suddenly feel more ready than ever to work again. I'm almost too antsy for my own good, but I'd rather feel that than the blah that keeps me lazing about my apartment. I even got one request for an interview! It would be soooo good, too. A 15 minute walk from my house, at the fantastic university of my dreams, in a program office that deals with politics and the press. The world would be hard pressed to put a more suitable job in my path. The downside? She emailed me the day before the midwest trip, and needed to schedule interviews while I was away. Ack! She did tell me to contact her when I got home, to see where things stand, and potentially still come in for an interview... though I'm waiting on her response now. I'm not a fan of the waiting. However, I am excited that finally someone wanted to interview me, was intrigued by my resume, and interested in potentially hiring me. It gives me hope that forward movement will happen soon - in some direction or another.
In the one area of my life that IS progressing nicely, the wonder continues. Kevin not only survived the intense four state, meet a million people tour of the midwest. I'd forgotten how, um, "particular" my dad can be when packing and driving on road trips. I was irritated almost instantly - in that way that we all regress a bit when faced with people from a past era of our lives. I love my parents... but adult Gwen should not plan trips that involve travelling with them. Kevin, however, was not nearly so bothered. Even faced with the craziness of my sister's living situation, the (literally) dozens of relatives - including many young children - he had to meet, and excessive amounts of driving... Kevin maintained a level of contentedness throughout the trip, and was my source of calm and happiness in the crazier moments. Not only did we never tire of each other, I was downright excited to share it all with him. To fill in those missing pieces of my story that can only be explained through direct experience.
Since we've been home, I have continued to feel antsy at home, and energized in the job hunt... despite having no progress to report. And Kevin has started to really talk about us moving in together next summer. It all feels very exciting, but I'm so ready for it all. Bring it on, world. Let's go.
The Gathering of the Vibes festival = awesomely relaxing and fun. Massive rainstorms the first day created the requisite muddy field for festival-goers to dance in. There was a point on the second day, listening to JJ Grey & Mofro, when Kevin looked over at me and said I looked miserable. At first I was annoyed... and then I realized that I'd been standing there, barely moving aside from flinches every time mud or beverages were spashed on me, clenching my jaw, and looking around at all of "them" - the people around me enjoying the show. He was right... I was acting like I was miserable. And for what? His simple act of pointing out the expression on my face created an amazing inner shift. I wore clothes that could get dirty (and subsequently washed). The music - though I'd never before heard this band - was fantastic. No one around us was being rude or outrageous... they were just letting the music take them over, and having FUN. So it only made sense that I, too, should forget all my stupid little worries, let go of whatever unrelated thoughts trailed through my mind, and just ENJOY my surroundings. And I did. I must say, the rest of the weekend felt wonderful.
Coming home from that, I felt recharched, energized, and truly ready to find that good job for myself. I scoured site after site, discovered new sites, filed a grillion applications, and finally contacted two temp agencies (though only one got back to me). I suddenly feel more ready than ever to work again. I'm almost too antsy for my own good, but I'd rather feel that than the blah that keeps me lazing about my apartment. I even got one request for an interview! It would be soooo good, too. A 15 minute walk from my house, at the fantastic university of my dreams, in a program office that deals with politics and the press. The world would be hard pressed to put a more suitable job in my path. The downside? She emailed me the day before the midwest trip, and needed to schedule interviews while I was away. Ack! She did tell me to contact her when I got home, to see where things stand, and potentially still come in for an interview... though I'm waiting on her response now. I'm not a fan of the waiting. However, I am excited that finally someone wanted to interview me, was intrigued by my resume, and interested in potentially hiring me. It gives me hope that forward movement will happen soon - in some direction or another.
In the one area of my life that IS progressing nicely, the wonder continues. Kevin not only survived the intense four state, meet a million people tour of the midwest. I'd forgotten how, um, "particular" my dad can be when packing and driving on road trips. I was irritated almost instantly - in that way that we all regress a bit when faced with people from a past era of our lives. I love my parents... but adult Gwen should not plan trips that involve travelling with them. Kevin, however, was not nearly so bothered. Even faced with the craziness of my sister's living situation, the (literally) dozens of relatives - including many young children - he had to meet, and excessive amounts of driving... Kevin maintained a level of contentedness throughout the trip, and was my source of calm and happiness in the crazier moments. Not only did we never tire of each other, I was downright excited to share it all with him. To fill in those missing pieces of my story that can only be explained through direct experience.
Since we've been home, I have continued to feel antsy at home, and energized in the job hunt... despite having no progress to report. And Kevin has started to really talk about us moving in together next summer. It all feels very exciting, but I'm so ready for it all. Bring it on, world. Let's go.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Oh So Much Going On
And yet, only a little progress.
My calendar looks so lovley and full this month. How wonderfully real that would be if I had a job! Heh. The social aspect of all this activity - 4th of July party, HS reunion, Gathering of the Vibes music festival (starting tomorrow) - is feeling really great. And it's reinforced for me how much I love my friends, and need to be in regular contact with them. And SEE them in person. I was also reminded how lovely it is to just get away from my regular life for a couple days. A change of surroundings can give me so much energy. The bright side of all this is that I've still got a couple of upcoming trips to look forward to. And I've been stepping up efforts to get together with friends and do fun things - even useful fun things like buying paint with Courtenay for her new house.
On the other side of this "full" July calendar, I've not been as dedicated to my job search as I feel I should be. I've seen a good number more job postings than usual - but haven't stepped up the number of emails and apps I send out. I've made a list of very specific goals for each day of next week on the job front - and hope that since I was so clear with myself, I'll keep to it. The one that seems most important to me is contacting the agency my friend recommended, in hopes that they are filling some of the good positions I've seen posted.
Fitness front: not doing so well in getting to the gym. I've been a few times this month - and the month is coming to a close soon. I've rolled out my yoga mat a few times as well - including once at Krissie's on reunion weekend... quite proud of myself for making that happen. However I'd still like to see myself doing it more regularly.
Food is still mixed, though I maintain that summer is generally a healthier season for me because I so love the fresh produce. Last weekend I visited the Allston Farmers' Market and instead of dinner, I just chopped up veggies and ate them with some dip. YUM. Perhaps not the most balanced approach, but man was it delicious. Today I'm hitting up the store to make sure there are delicious and healthy foods available this weekend as we're camping in CT.
In a more internal place, I've been craving a major change... though I have yet to really define it. I know intellectually that a good job would fill that need. But I have a feeling it will be more expansive than that. I've also been - for no good reason at all - kind of stifling my expressive desires. I don't know where that's coming from... but on that front some change is coming. I can't stand holding it back.
For now though, practical (yet fun) needs prevail. I've got to get ready to leave in the morning to enjoy a weekend by Long Island Sound listening to music and hanging with good friends. :-)
My calendar looks so lovley and full this month. How wonderfully real that would be if I had a job! Heh. The social aspect of all this activity - 4th of July party, HS reunion, Gathering of the Vibes music festival (starting tomorrow) - is feeling really great. And it's reinforced for me how much I love my friends, and need to be in regular contact with them. And SEE them in person. I was also reminded how lovely it is to just get away from my regular life for a couple days. A change of surroundings can give me so much energy. The bright side of all this is that I've still got a couple of upcoming trips to look forward to. And I've been stepping up efforts to get together with friends and do fun things - even useful fun things like buying paint with Courtenay for her new house.
On the other side of this "full" July calendar, I've not been as dedicated to my job search as I feel I should be. I've seen a good number more job postings than usual - but haven't stepped up the number of emails and apps I send out. I've made a list of very specific goals for each day of next week on the job front - and hope that since I was so clear with myself, I'll keep to it. The one that seems most important to me is contacting the agency my friend recommended, in hopes that they are filling some of the good positions I've seen posted.
Fitness front: not doing so well in getting to the gym. I've been a few times this month - and the month is coming to a close soon. I've rolled out my yoga mat a few times as well - including once at Krissie's on reunion weekend... quite proud of myself for making that happen. However I'd still like to see myself doing it more regularly.
Food is still mixed, though I maintain that summer is generally a healthier season for me because I so love the fresh produce. Last weekend I visited the Allston Farmers' Market and instead of dinner, I just chopped up veggies and ate them with some dip. YUM. Perhaps not the most balanced approach, but man was it delicious. Today I'm hitting up the store to make sure there are delicious and healthy foods available this weekend as we're camping in CT.
In a more internal place, I've been craving a major change... though I have yet to really define it. I know intellectually that a good job would fill that need. But I have a feeling it will be more expansive than that. I've also been - for no good reason at all - kind of stifling my expressive desires. I don't know where that's coming from... but on that front some change is coming. I can't stand holding it back.
For now though, practical (yet fun) needs prevail. I've got to get ready to leave in the morning to enjoy a weekend by Long Island Sound listening to music and hanging with good friends. :-)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Smack Upside My Head
The overwhelming truth is that I need structure. And sadly, I need it imposed on me by some outside force. I have got to step up the job-search efforts. Having a 9 to 5 would go miles in helping me organize my days. I've tried making schedules for myself, and never fail to let myself off the hook.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Right In Front Of My Eyes
On several fronts, I'm feeling reminded of the basics - and just how important those basics are. I've called them "the stuff of life" in posts before... good relationships with family and friends, good food, making it in my kitchen, growing plants for both food and beauty, enjoying peaceful moments, taking care of myself and those I love... all that stuff.
Last week, Mark told me he felt inspired by the list I have posted above my desk: Daily Goals. It was that list I made instead of any big New Year's resolutions, with five small things that I wish to become regular habits - and which will enhance my life. When he said that, I realized I hadn't looked at that list in ages... it's become part of the regular landscape of my wall. So today I sat and read it again. Really read it.
Daily Goals - 2009
1) See most of the daylight available each day.
2) Watch TV deliberately.
3) Get on the mat.
4) Include produce in every meal.
5) Talk to someone I care about deeply.
I made the list with hopes that each day I would strive for all five, and the belief that within a month or two I could achieve all five goals every day. Now past the halfway point of 2009, I'm not sure I've had a day yet where I met all five. Although, not really paying attention, I wouldn't know. It's sad to me that I'm still so full of talk and ideas, and so lacking in willpower and the ability to follow through, even when it comes to things so small and simple. Yet I also feel refreshed in the hope that I can strive for these little - though significant - goals. And I noticed that there are a couple items I am doing regularly, without thinking much about them. I'm glad Mark noticed my little list on the wall, because it made me notice it again.
Over the holiday weekend I got to experience something else that had been missing for awhile - sunshine! It was beautiful... warm but not too hot, breezy, sunny... actual summer. With all the rain, the summer days I thought of - and dreaded - were the unbearably hot and humid days... but I was reminded just how lovely and temperate New England summer can be. Kevin and I spent an extra day in Holyoke, lazily soaking up the peaceful feeling, doing not much of anything and loving it. Even the party on Saturday was a reminder of what real life is about - enjoying good company, soaking up beautiful weather, eating delicious food (yay for veggie burgers and my cranberry-pecan bread!), and having fun.
Yesterday, Kathryn and I were talking about the effect of unemployment on our psyches and our desires for our futures. It's funny how something so seemingly straightforward as losing a job can shift the entire landscape of a life - but it seems to be a common experience lately. Kathryn and a friend are planning a blog on the topic of reviving "domestic" life - cooking, gardening, sewing, knitting, caring for family, etc. I find it interesting just how many blogs, websites, articles, news stories and such are coming out latley, with people discovering just that. How did our culture get so wrapped up in some odd definition of "professional success" that we put our real lives on the back burner? Or, as Kathryn asked it, "Is there a reason why crunching numbers or answering phones have become more respectable careers than maintaining the health, happiness and general wellness of our friends and families?"
The part that awes me most about it is that Kathryn and I used to talk about how we could never be the stay-at-home-mom and housewife. Now, even without children - and for me without being a wife or having a house - we're both craving that life, and coming to understand the fulfillment that comes with dedicating time and energy to life. To real life. Not to earning money, not to achieving some artificial standard of excellence in some industry, not to being seen by others as successful... but to the things that are so basically enjoyable, so intrinsically meaningful and instinctually right that we often overlook them.
I have no illusion that I will be able to live well without working. But this year of unemployment has taught me that what I do to earn a living... that is not my life, it is done to pay for my real life. Maybe someday I'll find something that feels like an important part of me, and part of my life, a passion with real meaning that will earn me some money as well. In the meantime, I will keep taking in these reminders that my energy is best spent on the simplest things that make up real life, and try to make my shift in perception a shift in action.
Last week, Mark told me he felt inspired by the list I have posted above my desk: Daily Goals. It was that list I made instead of any big New Year's resolutions, with five small things that I wish to become regular habits - and which will enhance my life. When he said that, I realized I hadn't looked at that list in ages... it's become part of the regular landscape of my wall. So today I sat and read it again. Really read it.
Daily Goals - 2009
1) See most of the daylight available each day.
2) Watch TV deliberately.
3) Get on the mat.
4) Include produce in every meal.
5) Talk to someone I care about deeply.
I made the list with hopes that each day I would strive for all five, and the belief that within a month or two I could achieve all five goals every day. Now past the halfway point of 2009, I'm not sure I've had a day yet where I met all five. Although, not really paying attention, I wouldn't know. It's sad to me that I'm still so full of talk and ideas, and so lacking in willpower and the ability to follow through, even when it comes to things so small and simple. Yet I also feel refreshed in the hope that I can strive for these little - though significant - goals. And I noticed that there are a couple items I am doing regularly, without thinking much about them. I'm glad Mark noticed my little list on the wall, because it made me notice it again.
Over the holiday weekend I got to experience something else that had been missing for awhile - sunshine! It was beautiful... warm but not too hot, breezy, sunny... actual summer. With all the rain, the summer days I thought of - and dreaded - were the unbearably hot and humid days... but I was reminded just how lovely and temperate New England summer can be. Kevin and I spent an extra day in Holyoke, lazily soaking up the peaceful feeling, doing not much of anything and loving it. Even the party on Saturday was a reminder of what real life is about - enjoying good company, soaking up beautiful weather, eating delicious food (yay for veggie burgers and my cranberry-pecan bread!), and having fun.
Yesterday, Kathryn and I were talking about the effect of unemployment on our psyches and our desires for our futures. It's funny how something so seemingly straightforward as losing a job can shift the entire landscape of a life - but it seems to be a common experience lately. Kathryn and a friend are planning a blog on the topic of reviving "domestic" life - cooking, gardening, sewing, knitting, caring for family, etc. I find it interesting just how many blogs, websites, articles, news stories and such are coming out latley, with people discovering just that. How did our culture get so wrapped up in some odd definition of "professional success" that we put our real lives on the back burner? Or, as Kathryn asked it, "Is there a reason why crunching numbers or answering phones have become more respectable careers than maintaining the health, happiness and general wellness of our friends and families?"
The part that awes me most about it is that Kathryn and I used to talk about how we could never be the stay-at-home-mom and housewife. Now, even without children - and for me without being a wife or having a house - we're both craving that life, and coming to understand the fulfillment that comes with dedicating time and energy to life. To real life. Not to earning money, not to achieving some artificial standard of excellence in some industry, not to being seen by others as successful... but to the things that are so basically enjoyable, so intrinsically meaningful and instinctually right that we often overlook them.
I have no illusion that I will be able to live well without working. But this year of unemployment has taught me that what I do to earn a living... that is not my life, it is done to pay for my real life. Maybe someday I'll find something that feels like an important part of me, and part of my life, a passion with real meaning that will earn me some money as well. In the meantime, I will keep taking in these reminders that my energy is best spent on the simplest things that make up real life, and try to make my shift in perception a shift in action.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Once Again, Setting Change in Motion
Thursday was filled with actual progress toward positive change. It's not that anything major really happened... but a few ideas and plans were created, supported, and started.
I suppose the most significant one is agreeing to change my meds. After a couple years now on Prozac - and still struggling - my psychiatrist recommends I come off it and try Wellbutrin instead. Even the pharmacist was enthusiastic about its positive effects for people he knows. Both my doctor and the pharmacist tell me it raises energy, allows people who (like me) oversleep and overeat to reign it in, and cuts cravings (whatever they may be), so that most people end up losing weight and feeling notably more motivated. Of course, I've got some reading to do before I start taking this drug... but if it will help me get over this impossible hill that stalls positive movement, I'm OK with trying it. And once I push over that hill and really develop the positive life-supporting habits that I'm trying to put in place, to ingrain them so much in my life that I can't not do them, then it should be much easier to come off meds altogether. So I'm intrigued by the possibility here.
I also set a goal that the next time I see my therapist, I'll be able to truthfully say that I've been to the gym TEN times since I last saw her. I went after that appointment yesterday. And even though I'll be out of town for both weekends before the next appt, if I visit the gym each weekday I will succeed. Part of it is really just that I want to do it. I want to be visiting the gym five or six days a week. My body and mind feel amazing, empowered, and calmer when I work out. There won't be anything bad about having to say I missed the mark... but I'd be pretty psyched if I can get myself to make it to this goal. And it would be another step toward making my gym time a true habit that I can't live without.
On the job front, again no actual progress, but at a party last night I was talking to a few friends and decided to finally go the temp agency route. I got their recommendations of which agencies and people are most helpful, and who's got the best jobs to offer. Since I'm coming so close to the end of unemployment benefits anyway, even some income will be better than none. And hopefully it would lead to full-time employment relatively soon.
The last piece that was talked about yesterday - and is talked about often - is the one I most struggle with. I need some kind of structure in my life. And clearly I'm terrible at creating it for myself and holding to it. My hope is that somewhere between the meds change and the temp agencies, I will find some kind of structuring element that works for me. This feels almost like the last piece of the puzzle that, once completed, will allow me to move forward into a new phase of my life. To leave this depressive, purposeless, dependent, always at home phase finally behind me. It may not be a big dream, but if it takes hold I'll feel able to build those big dreams again. And that, my friends, would be magnificent.
I suppose the most significant one is agreeing to change my meds. After a couple years now on Prozac - and still struggling - my psychiatrist recommends I come off it and try Wellbutrin instead. Even the pharmacist was enthusiastic about its positive effects for people he knows. Both my doctor and the pharmacist tell me it raises energy, allows people who (like me) oversleep and overeat to reign it in, and cuts cravings (whatever they may be), so that most people end up losing weight and feeling notably more motivated. Of course, I've got some reading to do before I start taking this drug... but if it will help me get over this impossible hill that stalls positive movement, I'm OK with trying it. And once I push over that hill and really develop the positive life-supporting habits that I'm trying to put in place, to ingrain them so much in my life that I can't not do them, then it should be much easier to come off meds altogether. So I'm intrigued by the possibility here.
I also set a goal that the next time I see my therapist, I'll be able to truthfully say that I've been to the gym TEN times since I last saw her. I went after that appointment yesterday. And even though I'll be out of town for both weekends before the next appt, if I visit the gym each weekday I will succeed. Part of it is really just that I want to do it. I want to be visiting the gym five or six days a week. My body and mind feel amazing, empowered, and calmer when I work out. There won't be anything bad about having to say I missed the mark... but I'd be pretty psyched if I can get myself to make it to this goal. And it would be another step toward making my gym time a true habit that I can't live without.
On the job front, again no actual progress, but at a party last night I was talking to a few friends and decided to finally go the temp agency route. I got their recommendations of which agencies and people are most helpful, and who's got the best jobs to offer. Since I'm coming so close to the end of unemployment benefits anyway, even some income will be better than none. And hopefully it would lead to full-time employment relatively soon.
The last piece that was talked about yesterday - and is talked about often - is the one I most struggle with. I need some kind of structure in my life. And clearly I'm terrible at creating it for myself and holding to it. My hope is that somewhere between the meds change and the temp agencies, I will find some kind of structuring element that works for me. This feels almost like the last piece of the puzzle that, once completed, will allow me to move forward into a new phase of my life. To leave this depressive, purposeless, dependent, always at home phase finally behind me. It may not be a big dream, but if it takes hold I'll feel able to build those big dreams again. And that, my friends, would be magnificent.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
"So change."
Yes, I did get my ass to the gym yesterday. And it felt great.
On my way home I wanted to hit the grocery store, but realized I hadn't brought my wallet with me. I get home, shower, and all the while I'm debating whether to eat the food I have already or hit the store. The lazier - though arguably more reasonable - path won out. I made little tortilla pizzas with tomato and goat cheese. Yum. And then off to Kevin's for some lazing about and beer. Not really an ideal ending for a day that finally got moving... but getting to curl up with Kevin was totally worth it.
Today, for some reason, we were both awake by 6am. He has an awful opinion of morning, and basically refuses to participate in it. So while I turned on some news, made coffee and flipped through Skinny Bitch in the Kitch, he put his effort into falling back asleep. And since my car wasn't at his house and I'd have to rely on him to get home, and since I really had no putzy stuff to keep myself busy at his house, I ended up falling back asleep too. Later, got up and came home. Meant to go to the gym. Meant to do yoga. Meant to buy some veggies at Whole Foods. Meant to read. Meant to do several things. Instead, I fell asleep. It was kind of cold so I put a blanket over me while reading... and the next thing I knew it was somewhere near 7pm. How did I lose the whole day?! And to make it worse, I still couldn't get myself to go to the store. Or do anything else for that matter. Hell, I even ordered Thai food instead of making something from my freezer. And lounged on the couch watching tv.
And then the weight of it all hit me. Why do I do this to myself? I have all these ideas of what I want to do, what will be good for me, how I want to do things... and I get excited about them... and I might even try them a time or two... and then I fall away from everything. Again. It's a horrific pattern when I really sit and think about it. Why would I do things (like ordering Thai food and eating way too much of it while lazing around the house in pajamas) that don't feel good, aren't good for me, and I don't even really like? It makes no sense! And why would I avoid (or just, not do) things that I do like, that feel good in my body and spirit, that settle my mind, that make me smile?!
Just thinking about it all brought me to tears. So I called Kevin. I usually try not to involve him in my irrational inner dramas... but I just felt the need to talk to him. And his response was really just so simple. I was talking about this awful pattern that keeps overtaking me, and he just said, "So change." Part of me wanted to argue that it's not that simple, that I'm trying... but I just sat with it a minute. And I realized he's right. I should stop berating myself so much for a misstep - or a missed day - and just take on the next task in front of me. His words were so simple, yet so calming and empowering for me. He asked what I'm reading, and suggested I turn off the TV and go read that book. And get to sleep at a reasonable time. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get up early and try to do better.
And he apologized for not encouraging me to get up and get my day moving today. He's coming to understand more that I need to move my ass in the morning to have a chance of feeling good that day. So I'm off to bed now, and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, and tomorrow will be a new day. I will try to get myself to the gym in the morning, and see if I can't just make tomorrow a better day than today.
If I want my days - my life - to be different, no one else is going to make it happen. So I need to change it. And when I catch myself falling into old, ugly patterns... instead of sinking, being overtaken, maybe I can change it.
On my way home I wanted to hit the grocery store, but realized I hadn't brought my wallet with me. I get home, shower, and all the while I'm debating whether to eat the food I have already or hit the store. The lazier - though arguably more reasonable - path won out. I made little tortilla pizzas with tomato and goat cheese. Yum. And then off to Kevin's for some lazing about and beer. Not really an ideal ending for a day that finally got moving... but getting to curl up with Kevin was totally worth it.
Today, for some reason, we were both awake by 6am. He has an awful opinion of morning, and basically refuses to participate in it. So while I turned on some news, made coffee and flipped through Skinny Bitch in the Kitch, he put his effort into falling back asleep. And since my car wasn't at his house and I'd have to rely on him to get home, and since I really had no putzy stuff to keep myself busy at his house, I ended up falling back asleep too. Later, got up and came home. Meant to go to the gym. Meant to do yoga. Meant to buy some veggies at Whole Foods. Meant to read. Meant to do several things. Instead, I fell asleep. It was kind of cold so I put a blanket over me while reading... and the next thing I knew it was somewhere near 7pm. How did I lose the whole day?! And to make it worse, I still couldn't get myself to go to the store. Or do anything else for that matter. Hell, I even ordered Thai food instead of making something from my freezer. And lounged on the couch watching tv.
And then the weight of it all hit me. Why do I do this to myself? I have all these ideas of what I want to do, what will be good for me, how I want to do things... and I get excited about them... and I might even try them a time or two... and then I fall away from everything. Again. It's a horrific pattern when I really sit and think about it. Why would I do things (like ordering Thai food and eating way too much of it while lazing around the house in pajamas) that don't feel good, aren't good for me, and I don't even really like? It makes no sense! And why would I avoid (or just, not do) things that I do like, that feel good in my body and spirit, that settle my mind, that make me smile?!
Just thinking about it all brought me to tears. So I called Kevin. I usually try not to involve him in my irrational inner dramas... but I just felt the need to talk to him. And his response was really just so simple. I was talking about this awful pattern that keeps overtaking me, and he just said, "So change." Part of me wanted to argue that it's not that simple, that I'm trying... but I just sat with it a minute. And I realized he's right. I should stop berating myself so much for a misstep - or a missed day - and just take on the next task in front of me. His words were so simple, yet so calming and empowering for me. He asked what I'm reading, and suggested I turn off the TV and go read that book. And get to sleep at a reasonable time. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get up early and try to do better.
And he apologized for not encouraging me to get up and get my day moving today. He's coming to understand more that I need to move my ass in the morning to have a chance of feeling good that day. So I'm off to bed now, and hoping I'll be able to fall asleep, and tomorrow will be a new day. I will try to get myself to the gym in the morning, and see if I can't just make tomorrow a better day than today.
If I want my days - my life - to be different, no one else is going to make it happen. So I need to change it. And when I catch myself falling into old, ugly patterns... instead of sinking, being overtaken, maybe I can change it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Off topic...
I know I shouldn't post when I'm mad and I also know that some of the following content is not related to the point of this blog but...rarrrrrhh! I need to vent about my day that started with such promise and has quickly gone downhill. In reality, I think it's more like the week that started with promise and went to shit by Tuesday noon.
Sunday afternoon I'm lounging by the pool because it was empty and it's free and I didn't have anything else to do. While lounging I was also thinking. And I realized that I was not going to have enough money to pay my last two bills of the month...well, the last two bills I would be paying on time this month. In all of the bartering with the parents, the cleaning for car repair, I did my own brand of fuzzy math that led me to believe I'd be okay. Wrong. Of course, there is little I can do on a Sunday except call my mom in tears. We agreed to reconvene on Monday, via phone of course, since they are 250 miles away at the lake. This meant I spent Sunday afternoon alternating between sobbing and sleeping about my fail of a life. We eventually found a "solution" but the fact we had to find a rescue at all is aggravating.
Monday itself was better but nothing positive happened. Instead, I had high hopes for today. I started by making a trip to a recommended consignment shop to sell some clothes. I figure I have between $150-$200 (sticker price) in never or gently worn clothes that I'd like to get rid of, for cash if possible. None of it is haute couture by any means...you know me...but there are some good brands. I didn't anticipate they'd want all the stuff but a few items that would net me maybe $50. Wrong. They wanted four items and were willing to pay me $13. For all of them. One of which is a summer dress I bought last year that I never wore that still has the $70 price tag on it. WTF!?!? Do they think I'm a re-tard (emphasis on the 'tard' obvi)? I told them to keep their money and I'd keep my stuff. Bastards.
Oh...almost forgot about the part where I paid to have my wheels aligned last week by the mechanic and they didn't do it right? Meanwhile, I'm driving down the freeway holding the steering wheel at a slightly right of center angle just to go straight. They can't fix until next Thursday which messes up my up-north schedule too.
Speaking of up-north, I was eagerly anticipating the Fourth of July holiday. Until I found out that my parents (my mother) plans to have my brother and I sleep on the couch. I realize Fran and Greg are guests but it pisses me off that every time they come (which is every summer holiday) they get the second bedroom. Usually, since Nick rarely visits, I'm the only one who suffers the no privacy, no bed and I can't go to sleep until everyone else does, until they leave the living room. This was a huge problem Memorial Day...I raged at my dad and Greg for being assholes. I don't know why F&G can't sleep on the pull out bed. For obvi reasons, Nick and I can't, so we just get separate ends of the couch (it's big) but I just think it sucks. Enough that if I could, I wouldn't go up, in protest. However, I'm picking up my cousin at the airport tonight and I'm supposed to deliver her on Thursday. So no getting out of the trip. This would be a FAB time for my mom to go into her "OH MY NICK IS HERE LET ME SPOIL HIM" mode and give him a bed to sleep in if only because it would mean I'd get a bed too.
Finally, I still don't have a job, and it doesn't seem to matter how many I apply for, no one ever freaking calls. Kind of convinced it's never going to change.
So. Long post short...I'm broke, I'm jobless, I'm angry and I'd really much prefer to hide out and do nothing to the cleaning and packing I'm supposed to do today. Perhaps I'll go have a good cry first. Fuck.
Sunday afternoon I'm lounging by the pool because it was empty and it's free and I didn't have anything else to do. While lounging I was also thinking. And I realized that I was not going to have enough money to pay my last two bills of the month...well, the last two bills I would be paying on time this month. In all of the bartering with the parents, the cleaning for car repair, I did my own brand of fuzzy math that led me to believe I'd be okay. Wrong. Of course, there is little I can do on a Sunday except call my mom in tears. We agreed to reconvene on Monday, via phone of course, since they are 250 miles away at the lake. This meant I spent Sunday afternoon alternating between sobbing and sleeping about my fail of a life. We eventually found a "solution" but the fact we had to find a rescue at all is aggravating.
Monday itself was better but nothing positive happened. Instead, I had high hopes for today. I started by making a trip to a recommended consignment shop to sell some clothes. I figure I have between $150-$200 (sticker price) in never or gently worn clothes that I'd like to get rid of, for cash if possible. None of it is haute couture by any means...you know me...but there are some good brands. I didn't anticipate they'd want all the stuff but a few items that would net me maybe $50. Wrong. They wanted four items and were willing to pay me $13. For all of them. One of which is a summer dress I bought last year that I never wore that still has the $70 price tag on it. WTF!?!? Do they think I'm a re-tard (emphasis on the 'tard' obvi)? I told them to keep their money and I'd keep my stuff. Bastards.
Oh...almost forgot about the part where I paid to have my wheels aligned last week by the mechanic and they didn't do it right? Meanwhile, I'm driving down the freeway holding the steering wheel at a slightly right of center angle just to go straight. They can't fix until next Thursday which messes up my up-north schedule too.
Speaking of up-north, I was eagerly anticipating the Fourth of July holiday. Until I found out that my parents (my mother) plans to have my brother and I sleep on the couch. I realize Fran and Greg are guests but it pisses me off that every time they come (which is every summer holiday) they get the second bedroom. Usually, since Nick rarely visits, I'm the only one who suffers the no privacy, no bed and I can't go to sleep until everyone else does, until they leave the living room. This was a huge problem Memorial Day...I raged at my dad and Greg for being assholes. I don't know why F&G can't sleep on the pull out bed. For obvi reasons, Nick and I can't, so we just get separate ends of the couch (it's big) but I just think it sucks. Enough that if I could, I wouldn't go up, in protest. However, I'm picking up my cousin at the airport tonight and I'm supposed to deliver her on Thursday. So no getting out of the trip. This would be a FAB time for my mom to go into her "OH MY NICK IS HERE LET ME SPOIL HIM" mode and give him a bed to sleep in if only because it would mean I'd get a bed too.
Finally, I still don't have a job, and it doesn't seem to matter how many I apply for, no one ever freaking calls. Kind of convinced it's never going to change.
So. Long post short...I'm broke, I'm jobless, I'm angry and I'd really much prefer to hide out and do nothing to the cleaning and packing I'm supposed to do today. Perhaps I'll go have a good cry first. Fuck.
Getting It Out There
I've been avoiding the truth of numbers. Sure, there are greater truths... but some numbers hold significance far beyond their digits. So here are some numbers - to clarify to myself and the world - showing where my efforts (and significant lack of efforts) put me right now.
- I weigh 178 pounds. This is more than I have ever weighed.
- I recently had to buy new jeans because I couldn't squeeze my ass into the old ones. The new ones are sizes 12 and 14. I have never bought these sizes before.
- I've now been a member of the Y for a month. Number of times I've actually gone: 8 (I think).
- Number of days since I've gone to the gym at all: 10.
- Sure, I claim to do yoga at home (though we all know I'm more talk than action). Number of times I've rolled out my mat at home in the last two weeks: 2.
- Excessively long naps taken in the last week: 3. (This one is an improvement, actually.)
- Nights oversleeping (as in, more than 9 hours) in the past week: 3. (also an improvement)
- TV hours watched in the past week: too many to count
- Meals that are bad for me and feel gross afterwards this week: 5.
- Meals that included vegetables this week: 5.
- Consecutive days without leaving my house this week: 2 (so far).
- Awake hours spent in pajamas / yoga pants: again, too many to count.
- Meals I *made* this past week: 4. (improving)
- Baked goods I made this past week: 2.
I think that's enough numbers for now. I don't post this for any type of comparison with other people... I post it so I can see, honestly, where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. I've got all these desires and little willpower to back them up. I've got all these ideas and no motivation to get them going. I've got all this talk and so little to actually talk about. My hope is that by posting numbers publicly, I give myself something to look back at in the future... to see where progress has (or, god forbid, hasn't) been made.
The message the numbers give me today: Get off my ass! I'm changing my clothes and going to the gym. Right now.
- I weigh 178 pounds. This is more than I have ever weighed.
- I recently had to buy new jeans because I couldn't squeeze my ass into the old ones. The new ones are sizes 12 and 14. I have never bought these sizes before.
- I've now been a member of the Y for a month. Number of times I've actually gone: 8 (I think).
- Number of days since I've gone to the gym at all: 10.
- Sure, I claim to do yoga at home (though we all know I'm more talk than action). Number of times I've rolled out my mat at home in the last two weeks: 2.
- Excessively long naps taken in the last week: 3. (This one is an improvement, actually.)
- Nights oversleeping (as in, more than 9 hours) in the past week: 3. (also an improvement)
- TV hours watched in the past week: too many to count
- Meals that are bad for me and feel gross afterwards this week: 5.
- Meals that included vegetables this week: 5.
- Consecutive days without leaving my house this week: 2 (so far).
- Awake hours spent in pajamas / yoga pants: again, too many to count.
- Meals I *made* this past week: 4. (improving)
- Baked goods I made this past week: 2.
I think that's enough numbers for now. I don't post this for any type of comparison with other people... I post it so I can see, honestly, where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. I've got all these desires and little willpower to back them up. I've got all these ideas and no motivation to get them going. I've got all this talk and so little to actually talk about. My hope is that by posting numbers publicly, I give myself something to look back at in the future... to see where progress has (or, god forbid, hasn't) been made.
The message the numbers give me today: Get off my ass! I'm changing my clothes and going to the gym. Right now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I've Been A Bad Blogger
I've also been bad about exercise, keeping up with yoga, and about eating healthfully. Oh, and about applying for jobs. Hmmm....
It seems every time I make progress I begin to feel really good about it... and then suddenly a switch flips inside my brain and I completely stop. Or mostly stop. Or even backslide.
On Monday I ate a pizza. A whole, large pizza. Not all at once, mind you... but it was enough that around 1am I was tempted to make myself throw up just so I could feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never been so uncomfortably full before... but I just kept eating until it was gone. And the overeating has continued most of the week. Granted, I've tried to add some veggies and grains in there... and I certainly did not eat to quite that disgusting level again... but I'm thrown by how easily I do this to myself. It's as if my brain just shuts off, and I eat until I can't eat anymore. And I regret it. And the next day I do it again.
I have acquired some of Amy Weintraub's guided breathing and meditation cds. She wrote Yoga for Depression, and has some dvds and other stuff. I know from experiencing it like once (ok, not even fully once) that her method works for me. It feels good - and it does help me feel more able to manage my moods and take life as it comes. So why I've been avoiding sitting down and *doing* the exercises, I don't know. Same with yoga in general. And exercise. I know how good it feels - both immediately and later in the day. But to make myself get started... it just seems impossible lately.
I have, on the other hand, been somewhat active in the cooking and baking of delicous food. I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with the new edition of How to Cook Everything. And the results have been - for the most part - really good. I'm also still reading Food Matters... and I just got my hands on Skinny Bitch from the library. I'm absolutely fascinated by all the good sense guides and advice coming out about food lately... the local food movement... edible gardens at home... farmers' markets... fresh seasonal cooking... avoiding overprocessed, chemical-laced, bad-for-the-world-and-your-body foods from the massive food producing companies... It amazes me how aligned our bodies' true needs are with our environment... and yet it doesn't. That fact resonates deeply somewhere inside me - and I can almost feel the rumbling of a primal version of myself, *needing* to further explore and experience healthy food, the joy of making and eating it, the incredible pride in growing it myself. It's hard to describe the pull this has on me without sounding all esoteric and junk... but it's an incredible feeling.
Now if only I could find a good paying job that involves any of it. Heh. Or, at the very least, a job that affords me the ability to continue pursuing this amazing food joy without much limitation.
OK, specific goals for today:
1) Apply to at least two jobs.
2) Visit the Allston Farmers' Market (small, but awesome - especially since it's in my 'hood!)
3) Yoga. MUST DO YOGA.
4) Bake Strawberry Muffins (from the latest issue of Body+Soul magazine)
And since it's noon already, I best get going!
It seems every time I make progress I begin to feel really good about it... and then suddenly a switch flips inside my brain and I completely stop. Or mostly stop. Or even backslide.
On Monday I ate a pizza. A whole, large pizza. Not all at once, mind you... but it was enough that around 1am I was tempted to make myself throw up just so I could feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never been so uncomfortably full before... but I just kept eating until it was gone. And the overeating has continued most of the week. Granted, I've tried to add some veggies and grains in there... and I certainly did not eat to quite that disgusting level again... but I'm thrown by how easily I do this to myself. It's as if my brain just shuts off, and I eat until I can't eat anymore. And I regret it. And the next day I do it again.
I have acquired some of Amy Weintraub's guided breathing and meditation cds. She wrote Yoga for Depression, and has some dvds and other stuff. I know from experiencing it like once (ok, not even fully once) that her method works for me. It feels good - and it does help me feel more able to manage my moods and take life as it comes. So why I've been avoiding sitting down and *doing* the exercises, I don't know. Same with yoga in general. And exercise. I know how good it feels - both immediately and later in the day. But to make myself get started... it just seems impossible lately.
I have, on the other hand, been somewhat active in the cooking and baking of delicous food. I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with the new edition of How to Cook Everything. And the results have been - for the most part - really good. I'm also still reading Food Matters... and I just got my hands on Skinny Bitch from the library. I'm absolutely fascinated by all the good sense guides and advice coming out about food lately... the local food movement... edible gardens at home... farmers' markets... fresh seasonal cooking... avoiding overprocessed, chemical-laced, bad-for-the-world-and-your-body foods from the massive food producing companies... It amazes me how aligned our bodies' true needs are with our environment... and yet it doesn't. That fact resonates deeply somewhere inside me - and I can almost feel the rumbling of a primal version of myself, *needing* to further explore and experience healthy food, the joy of making and eating it, the incredible pride in growing it myself. It's hard to describe the pull this has on me without sounding all esoteric and junk... but it's an incredible feeling.
Now if only I could find a good paying job that involves any of it. Heh. Or, at the very least, a job that affords me the ability to continue pursuing this amazing food joy without much limitation.
OK, specific goals for today:
1) Apply to at least two jobs.
2) Visit the Allston Farmers' Market (small, but awesome - especially since it's in my 'hood!)
3) Yoga. MUST DO YOGA.
4) Bake Strawberry Muffins (from the latest issue of Body+Soul magazine)
And since it's noon already, I best get going!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Finally...a post.
It's just not the happiest post ever.
Don't worry...tragedy has not befallen me. Rather, it's just been a busy and emotional couple weeks.
I was at the cabin from Friday the 12th until last Wednesday, the 17th. When I'm there it's a challenge to post simply because I have to type the whole thing on the Crackberry. Of course, while I was up north, the scroll button on my Berry stopped scrolling in the down direction so there wasn't a lot I could do until I got back home anyway.
Wednesday afternoon/evening and Thursday were a blur. I didn't do much of anything. I was low on money at the time and was waiting for my Friday unemployment deposit. I spent Friday afternoon with my friend Rachel--a great mood booster. Of course I spent too much money on lunch, drinks and dinner but it was well worth it.
Yesterday I went to St. Cloud to watch my cousin Stephanie's final summer volleyball tournament. It's a two-day tourney so I stayed overnight in my aunt Michelle's hotel room (the chaperone room). The girls didn't play the greatest ever but it's always fun to watch. And I love seeing my cousin and spending time with her and Michelle.
I got home around 2:30 today with every intention of taking a nap. Except...I was too worked up. I've reached the end of the proverbial rope when it comes to the job and money situation. Basically, I need both and the prospects look slim. Throw in some car work that I can't afford and I've reached "freak out" levels of stress.
Thankfully the car work isn't serious; brakes and rotors and standard stuff that I was hoping to avoid this year because I bought a new car but we all know that never happened. Still, I'm looking at least a $300 bill.
So, I did the only logical thing. Well, the second logical thing. First, I worked out. It's the first time in a while and I rocked the hizzy. I did a 20 minute run/walk in some nice, cooling drizzle. Then I did 20 minutes of kickboxing. THEN I did 40 minutes of ballet. I only meant to do 20 but I love doing it. It makes me feel graceful and lithe and like I could be a dancer despite my flat feet. In reality, it's great for my muscles (esp my calves and shins thanks to the plies) and it does help posture.
The second logical thing I did was call the 'rents. They've always said they'd help if I needed it and, clearly, I do. Although the prospect of asking for and borrowing money makes me unhappy, a girl's gotta do what she must, right? My parents, in their infinite wisdom, came up with an alternate solution to a loan. Labor! No joke. They've got a ton of cleaning and other projects they need done and are willing to trade for car repair. Not the greatest thing ever...hard labor isn't my fav...but it's the best choice I've got right now.
In other news, I've reached the sad conclusion that I'm going to have to get a filler job. You know, something totally lame that will pay the bills. I'm opposed to it because I don't want something crappy and irrelevant on my resume but, again, a girl's gotta do, right?
Don't get me wrong...I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this. In addition to not wanting crap on my resume, I don't want to dread going to work everyday, knowing it's merely because I need the money. I don't want to be THAT PERSON. I want a real job that I like and can be good at...a career, really, and it seems I can't. It's unfair and stupid and not right and unfair. So, in the process of reaching this solution I went to the "bad place"...the place where I think about my dismal situation and got sad/angry/disappointed/stressed and all those other fun feelings. Throw in the car stuff and I am...was...a wreck.
Anyway, the workout, the parents...a hot bath and a yummy wine cooler...I feel better. And I have a pork chop in the oven. I know, dinner at 10? So what. It's been that kind of day.
k.
Don't worry...tragedy has not befallen me. Rather, it's just been a busy and emotional couple weeks.
I was at the cabin from Friday the 12th until last Wednesday, the 17th. When I'm there it's a challenge to post simply because I have to type the whole thing on the Crackberry. Of course, while I was up north, the scroll button on my Berry stopped scrolling in the down direction so there wasn't a lot I could do until I got back home anyway.
Wednesday afternoon/evening and Thursday were a blur. I didn't do much of anything. I was low on money at the time and was waiting for my Friday unemployment deposit. I spent Friday afternoon with my friend Rachel--a great mood booster. Of course I spent too much money on lunch, drinks and dinner but it was well worth it.
Yesterday I went to St. Cloud to watch my cousin Stephanie's final summer volleyball tournament. It's a two-day tourney so I stayed overnight in my aunt Michelle's hotel room (the chaperone room). The girls didn't play the greatest ever but it's always fun to watch. And I love seeing my cousin and spending time with her and Michelle.
I got home around 2:30 today with every intention of taking a nap. Except...I was too worked up. I've reached the end of the proverbial rope when it comes to the job and money situation. Basically, I need both and the prospects look slim. Throw in some car work that I can't afford and I've reached "freak out" levels of stress.
Thankfully the car work isn't serious; brakes and rotors and standard stuff that I was hoping to avoid this year because I bought a new car but we all know that never happened. Still, I'm looking at least a $300 bill.
So, I did the only logical thing. Well, the second logical thing. First, I worked out. It's the first time in a while and I rocked the hizzy. I did a 20 minute run/walk in some nice, cooling drizzle. Then I did 20 minutes of kickboxing. THEN I did 40 minutes of ballet. I only meant to do 20 but I love doing it. It makes me feel graceful and lithe and like I could be a dancer despite my flat feet. In reality, it's great for my muscles (esp my calves and shins thanks to the plies) and it does help posture.
The second logical thing I did was call the 'rents. They've always said they'd help if I needed it and, clearly, I do. Although the prospect of asking for and borrowing money makes me unhappy, a girl's gotta do what she must, right? My parents, in their infinite wisdom, came up with an alternate solution to a loan. Labor! No joke. They've got a ton of cleaning and other projects they need done and are willing to trade for car repair. Not the greatest thing ever...hard labor isn't my fav...but it's the best choice I've got right now.
In other news, I've reached the sad conclusion that I'm going to have to get a filler job. You know, something totally lame that will pay the bills. I'm opposed to it because I don't want something crappy and irrelevant on my resume but, again, a girl's gotta do, right?
Don't get me wrong...I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this. In addition to not wanting crap on my resume, I don't want to dread going to work everyday, knowing it's merely because I need the money. I don't want to be THAT PERSON. I want a real job that I like and can be good at...a career, really, and it seems I can't. It's unfair and stupid and not right and unfair. So, in the process of reaching this solution I went to the "bad place"...the place where I think about my dismal situation and got sad/angry/disappointed/stressed and all those other fun feelings. Throw in the car stuff and I am...was...a wreck.
Anyway, the workout, the parents...a hot bath and a yummy wine cooler...I feel better. And I have a pork chop in the oven. I know, dinner at 10? So what. It's been that kind of day.
k.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wasting A Few Days... What's New? Getting Past That.
So the last few days have been kind of useless. I've had brief moments of potential... quickly buried by, well, the blah. Too much sleeping, lots of couch-lump tv watching, and eating too many foods that do not give me energy.
I need today to be different. And thanks to my excessive napping yesterday evening, it has already started on a good note. (Way to connect a negative into a positive, right? Hehe.) I lay in my bed this morning, awake and looking out the window, watching the daylight come into being and break up the clouds. It was beautiful. I love the visual quality of morning light. I love the sounds of the birds waking up and welcoming the day. I love the smell of morning - enhanced today by some neighbor's coffee-making at 5:45am. Just the whiff of it made me ready to get up and move.
I got up and made my own coffee and a delicious breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, tomatoes, chives and cheese. I would've loved some toast with it, but my bread was way past its prime, so oh well. I watched the early morning news, and stood on my porch with my coffee... leisure at its best. I was just overtaken by the feeling that today will be a really good day, full of possibility, action, and joy.
My plans for the day include a little laundry (need gym clothes so I don't have any excuses not to visit the gym in the coming week!), the cleaning and organizing of my bedroom I've been thinking/talking about for weeks, some kitty-related cleaning, reading on my porch later (if the rain holds off), and hitting up the noon yoga class. Yes, the Kripalu one that I missed last week. Yay!
Feeling good so far! And hoping you've got some joy this Saturday as well!
I need today to be different. And thanks to my excessive napping yesterday evening, it has already started on a good note. (Way to connect a negative into a positive, right? Hehe.) I lay in my bed this morning, awake and looking out the window, watching the daylight come into being and break up the clouds. It was beautiful. I love the visual quality of morning light. I love the sounds of the birds waking up and welcoming the day. I love the smell of morning - enhanced today by some neighbor's coffee-making at 5:45am. Just the whiff of it made me ready to get up and move.
I got up and made my own coffee and a delicious breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, tomatoes, chives and cheese. I would've loved some toast with it, but my bread was way past its prime, so oh well. I watched the early morning news, and stood on my porch with my coffee... leisure at its best. I was just overtaken by the feeling that today will be a really good day, full of possibility, action, and joy.
My plans for the day include a little laundry (need gym clothes so I don't have any excuses not to visit the gym in the coming week!), the cleaning and organizing of my bedroom I've been thinking/talking about for weeks, some kitty-related cleaning, reading on my porch later (if the rain holds off), and hitting up the noon yoga class. Yes, the Kripalu one that I missed last week. Yay!
Feeling good so far! And hoping you've got some joy this Saturday as well!
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